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Siuwa

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Infrared Ray
« on: December 14, 2016, 08:47:26 AM »
CHARACTER


Name: Given name:Infrared, Surname:Ray


Age: 24


Species and Gender: Female rabbit faunus


Symbol: A silvery wave of arcs which subtends 5 degrees with a wavelength of 1 arc per 3 centimeters on a brick red background.


Occupation: 4th year Atlas student


Appearance: She doesn't really care about what she wears and only look for warmth and agility with her outfit. Usually she wears T-shirts figure is around 150cm tall with 75 cm around her waist. Her rabbit ears at the top of her head are obvious and provide sensitive hearing akin to average rabbit faunus. Her rabbit ears have white fur.


History: She was born in Atlas with an elder brother and a one-year younger sister, and is looked down upon just like the rest. But unlike most people her parents are not being forced to near-slavery but are rather well paid with a decent position as managers of a small group of other faunus in a faunus respected and safe-ish dust mine. She went there occasionally to mine dust to get some Lien for buying entertainment goods and services. She became slightly more masculine thanks to her almost all-male companions. But her relationship with her parents soured because they gave her a beating every time she came for no particular reason, and got especially hard ones after knowing that she received combat training under a certain group of former hunters. When she was 8, she finally realized that even in a faunus respected environment, a mine is still that dangerous after being trapped by a collapse with the aforementioned hunters. It was there and then she discovered her semblance when she had a rock crushing almost right on her poor ears but instead punched a small hole that allowed for breath. After a long discussion they trained her on spot to help
By shaking a loose piece of rock and launching it at the debris one at a time they carved their way with assistance from her friends as she now calls them out the first sight from her is a mix of fury, worry and joy from her parents. What happened when she returned home?
Well, she wished not to talk about. Nonetheless, her relationship with the group became better than ever and they trained her all her life in fighting.

At the age of 18 she applied(she wanted to at 17, but were stopped by her parents after a good talk and for good reasons) to the Atlas academy and got denied. The report card was signed by a male teacher who unsurprisingly looked after her later saying her fighting skills were more than capable for academy students of the same year but the writing tests were marginally failed. She worked much harder on her knowledges and combat skills ever since(with the side effects of becoming addicted to Remnant: the Game and plays it super often) and two years later she got accepted into the second year of Atlas.
She's a faunus and is again discriminated, but no one messed with her physically after she earned support from professors don't discriminate them.
She loved electromagnetism thanks to her name and wanted to create a coilgun as her weapon but failed horribly after taking a hint in maths from another teacher and still almost electrocuted herself along with her teammates. At school she were bullied for loving 'stupid magnets' since that incident (and slightly less for being a faunus),But the damage was done. It changed her as what she is now.
Under quite a lot of pressure which included people disturbing her family houses that got chased away with great difficulties and private threatening of withholding graduation, she enlisted in the Atlas Military under training to become specialists AND faunus equality promotion, doing dirty but borderline legal and safe(/slave) to PR work, and even then her promotion was withheld for one year by refusing twice and only agreed after talking to practically everyone she knew of.
Her latest mission is to dig up a blueprint for something that was lost in mountain Glenn during the breach of the city, which used obsolete but secret to outside Atlas tech.


Personality: Following the official and direct order from the military, she despises the White Fang and refuses to talk about them. Outside of work, she liked to be a know-it-all who is terminology insistent and always correct the others whenever she remembered one off the top of her head. She is also loves to deconstruct a subject when she has a strong opinion towards it.
In hindsight of her childhood experience, she loved to slap her friends' back in kindness but it had made her friends and (hopefully temporary) enemies alike because she usually made their aura flicker if she isn't controlling her strength.
Applied the other way around, beating her to a pulp is the worst way to tell her to get a hold of herself.
On studying, she focuses on subjects she liked and practically ignores the rest as a trauma of her failing to create a coilgun. This is a main reason for failing 4th year in grimm biology and history year once other than the one above.


Aura and Semblance:Her aura glow is mainly red but with small but scannable amount of infrared by glowing in the same way regular colorful aura glows.
Her semblance is to make flying object she recognizes visibly and wishes to, upon contact, fly back with the incoming speed at an angle of her choosing with 10 degrees of error. The expense of this is extra aura consumption and pain proportional to the original damage. Dust infusing makes the dust coats on the projectile with the dust effects. It also can't bounce off anything coated in aura.
The cost of aura in percentage is proportional to the change of kinetic energy required to bounce the way she wanted. When a rocket from reaction is bounced exactly back(or to any other directions for that matter) Infrared took 15% aura damage and can barely stand up immediately afterwards.
Combat Behavior: She is a glass cannon thanks to the costly semblance. As such, she’ll stay far and bombard her enemies at long range, or cut or bash them down at close range but had nothing in between. She also somewhat fear her semblance's pain and will actively avoid using it.


+Powerful long range firepower
+Proficient melee range combat
+Effective and useful semblance
+A few more years worth of training
+Rabbit faunus(Enhanced hearing and near perfect night vision)
+Aura vague sense


-Doesn't want to use her semblance too much
-Self damaging semblance
-Can't hit anything in between effective range of two weapons(where aim-dodging is easy but out of melee reach), which is quite a large gap
-Reaction and its shells are very bulky and is impossible to conceal
-Can't wield both weapons at once as they're both handheld
-slow even when not carrying reaction
-relatively fragile aura even without considering semblance
WEAPON


Name: She named it Reaction because of its huge muzzle energy and to pair to her other weapon.


Primary Form: A bulky brick red shoulder mounted rocket launcher with an tube length of 1.5 meters that can both smash people and fire unguided rockets. It dealt 20% damage to her when she tested it against herself without using her semblance and became 15 if semblance is used to sent it away due to cost of her semblance.
 
Dust Functions: Kinetic dust were used to launch and timed with a fuse for fragmentation or high explosive heads. It takes her 10 seconds to reload. She can bring 10 to 20 rockets with her and a cart had to be made for just that.

History: She decided bigger firepower is better when it came to firearms and made it as powerful as possible. Before it was finished she can only bash people around with the exterior and slash with her sidearm. It was only made possible after she enlisted into Atlas Military for usages on the field as fire support.

Name: Action.

Primary Form: A blue regular longsword with a one meter blade and wieldable with both one hand and two hands. A squeeze trigger activates the dust stored in the hollow handle.

Dust Functions:Linings of dust channels provides dust usage when triggered. They make the sword coats in in the dust so it heat up/freezes/electrify. Its output can make the whole sword freeze an arm or equivalent, can heat up to deal 5% per second on (another student), and current flow can stun upon hit for about 10 seconds.

History: That group of former hunters gave it to her as a present for entering Atlas Academy. She is therefore more proficient with it than she is with Reaction.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2017, 08:41:18 AM by Siuwa »
Catalina Glenn - first year Beacon Academy student - "Not funny, dude! And not dudes... and everyone else... " - Cata, Cat.
Infrared Ray - fourth year Atlas academy student - "So it's __ and __(insert name here) meets each other."
Sheer Gold - second year Beacon academy student - "This is super effective!"

Siuwa

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2016, 11:06:09 PM »
She is also a one women deconstructor fleet whenever she has a strong opinion towards a subject.

Applied the other way around, beating her to a pulp is the worst way to tell her to get a hold of herself.

Her aura glow is mainly red but with small but scannable amount of infrared.



+Proficient melee range combat
+Rabbit faunus(Enhanced hearing and near perfect night vision)
+brick aura power(vague sense, slightly enhanced strength amd speed)



-Extremely vulnerable to thermography


Added these information and changed her to year 7.
Catalina Glenn - first year Beacon Academy student - "Not funny, dude! And not dudes... and everyone else... " - Cata, Cat.
Infrared Ray - fourth year Atlas academy student - "So it's __ and __(insert name here) meets each other."
Sheer Gold - second year Beacon academy student - "This is super effective!"

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2016, 08:38:32 AM »
CHARACTER


Name: Fits the color rule, though you can just put Infrared Ray instead of the given/surname part

Age: Checks out.

Species and Gender:D'awww a bun :D

Symbol:Typo with the word "silvery" and would appreciate an image, though it isn't required.


Occupation: Here's the first problem I see. Atlesian students, such as Weiss and ShittyNeptune, are generally affluent. Rich and having one that managed to get into Atlas academy AND is scavenging to survive seems unlikely.


Appearance: More descriptive would be appreciated since you don't have an image (which is also appreciated, though not required). Facial features, hair, skin, eye color, usual clothes, distinctive features, etc....



History:

 She was born in Atlas with an elder brother and a one-year younger sister, and is looked down upon just like the rest. But unlike most people her parents are not being forced to near-slavery but are rather well paid with a decent position as managers of a small group of other faunus in a faunus respected and safe-ish dust mine. She went there occasionally to mine dust to get some Lien for buying entertainment goods and services. She became slightly more masculine thanks to her almost all-male companions(companions, but her...). But her relationship with her parents soured because they gave her a beating every time she came for no particular reason, and got especially hard ones after knowing that she received combat training under a certain group of aura users. When (When she was 8,) she's 8, she finally realized that even in a faunus respected environment, a mine is still that dangerous after being trapped by a collapse with the aforementioned aura users. It was there and then she discovered her semblance when she had a rock squashing almost right on her poor ears but instead punched a small hole that allowed for breath. After a long discussion they trained her on spot to learn basic casting with dust available in the mines.

Using it to (Carve)crave their way with assistance from her friends as she now calls them out the first sight from her is a mix of fury, worry and joy from her parents. (What would happen) What happened when she returned home?

Well, she(wished) wish not to talk about. Nonetheless, her relationship with the group became better than ever and they trained her all her life.
At the age of eleven she applied(she wanted to at ten, but were stopped by her parents after a good talk and for good reasons) to the Atlas academy and got denied. The report card was signed by a male teacher who unsurprisingly looked after her later saying her fighting skills were more then capable for academy students of the same year but the writing tests were marginally failed. She worked )slightly ) slighty harder on her (knowledge) knowledges and combat skills ever since(with the side effects of becoming addicted to Remnant: the Game and plays it super often) and two years later she got accepted into the second year of Atlas.  (So she was rejected due to her poor grades in the written portion of the exam, studied for a while and reapplied, THEN got accepted. How long did she study  to retake the test?)


She loved electromagnetism thanks to her name and wanted to create a coilgun as her weapon but failed horribly after taking a hint in maths from another teacher and still almost electrocuted herself along with her teammates. At school she (was) were bullied for loving 'stupid magnets' since that incident (and slightly less for being a faunus), but no one messed with her physically after she skipping her 4th and 5th years (She skipped two years? She has to be rather intelligent for that but she failed the written exam to get in. So she's either incredibly gifted at learning quickly or she spent most of her time studying) under large support from teachers which included those who don't like the faunus as a species too much but don't discriminate them.

Under quite a lot of pressure which included people disturbing her family houses that got chased away with great difficulties and private threatening of withholding graduation, she enlisted in the Atlas Military under specialists AND faunus equality promotion, doing dirty but borderline legal and safe(/slave) to PR work, and even then her promotion was withheld for one year (another setback by a year. Just make sure the years and her age add up)by refusing twice and only agreed (after)afthe talking to practically everyone she knew of.
Her latest mission is to dig up a blueprint for something that was lost in mountain Glenn during the breach of the city, which used obsolete but secret to outside Atlas tech.


Personality: Following the official and direct order from the military(,) she despised the White Fang and refuses talk about them. Outside of work, she liked to be a know-it-all who is terminology insistent and always (corrects others)correct the others whenever she remembered one off the top of her head. She is also a one women deconstructor fleet (A one woman what?)when she has a strong opinion towards a subject.
In hindsight of her childhood experience, she loved to slap her friends' back in friendliness but it had made her friends and (hopefully temporary) enemies alike because she usually made their aura flicker if she isn't controlling her strength.
Applied the other way around, beating her to a pulp is the worst way to tell her to get a hold of herself.
On studying, she focuses on subjects she liked and practically ignores the rest(But if she doesn't study well, how did she manage to get sped up two years?). This is a main reason for failing 8th year once other then the one above. (So she sped up two years and got held back two years?)


Aura and Semblance: She is a caster who (who has)have the skills enlightened in thecollapse incident and slowly works (worked) her way to proficiency throughout ten years. Her aura is also one years' worth of advanced compared to specialists of the same year.
Her aura glow is mainly red but with small but scannable amount of infrared. (What is infrared aura? That'll need some explanation)
Her semblance is to make flying object she recognizes visibly and wishes to fly back with the incoming speed at an angle of her choosing with 10 degrees of error. The expense of this is extra aura consumption and pain proportional to the original damage. Dust casting makes the projectile infused with the dust effects. It also can't bounce off anything coated in aura. (In her history she used her aura to carve out of the rock. How did she do this with a "bounce" semblance. Not only that, how far is her radius? Can she bounce a bullet while it's still 10 feet away? How big an object can she deflect? etc....


Combat Behavior: She is a glass cannon even despite of her one-year worth of aura training, thanks the huge recoil of it’s weapon and costly semblance. As such, she’ll stay far and bombard her enemies at long range, or cut or bash them down at close range but had nothing in between. She also somewhat fear (fears)her semblance's pain and will actively avoid using it.


+Powerful long- and mid- range firepower
+Proficient melee range combat
+Effective and useful semblance
+Caster
+A few more years worth of training
+Rabbit faunus(Enhanced hearing and near perfect night vision)
+brick aura power(vague sense, slightly enhanced strength amd(and) speed)


-Doesn't want to use her semblance too much
-Very self damaging semblance and long range weapon
-Can't hit anything in between effective range of two weapons, which has quite a large gap. (So she doesn't do mid range? Kindly define "mid range" here.)
-Reaction and its shells are very bulky and is impossible to conceal
-Extremely vulnerable to thermography (to thermography? Kindly explain.)

WEAPON
Name: She named it Reaction because of its huge muzzle energy and recoil.


Primary Form: A bulky brick red large cannon with an optimized muzzle length of 1.5 meters that can both smash people and fire 10kg shells with a muzzle velocity of just under mach 1. It dealt 40% damage to her when she tested it against herself without using her semblance. (A little more description of the weapon's appearance please. Also, 40% aura drop with one shot? That's a bit strong, especially considering that she's proficient with aura and that she has more than her peers. It'll need to be nerfed. Kindly put firing rate too. Is it manually reloaded shell per shell? Carried or on wheels? How does she keep the ammo? How much damage would it do to someone with normal proficiency in aura?


Dust Functions: Kinetic dust used to launch were launched and timed with a fuse for sometimes fragmentation and the other times armor piercing shells. A very large amount of them is used and thus creates a recoil that harms her aura at about 10-20 percent per shot and took her 15 seconds to recover. She can only bring 5 to 10 shells with her. (Again, that's a seriously powerful weapon. If it damages her that much, she can make at most 10 shots with the thing. Does she have any other option to fight WITHOUT using her cannon?)


History: She decided bigger is better when it came to firearms and made it as powerful as possible. Before it was finished she can only bash people around with the exterior and slash with her sidearm. (It was only made) It's only made possible after she enlisted into Atlas Military.

Name: Action.

Primary Form: A blue regular longsword with a one meter blade and wieldable with both one hand and two hands. A squeeze trigger activates the dust stored in the hollow handle.

Dust Functions:Linings of dust channels provides dust usage when triggered. (What dust usage? Can it launch dust projectiles? Or does it catch on fire? Or does it erupt ice where it hits? What dust does it use and what do these individual effects do?)

History: That group of aura users gave it to her as a present for entering Atlas Academy. She is therefore more proficient with it than she is with Reaction. (I'm curious as to why she decided she needed a gun even though she has this sword)
Zora Akash - The Sunset Scholar - First Year - Team PENDING

Elidyr Vulcan - The Copper Creator - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Running Brook Sienna - The Purple Pugilist - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Ashelynne Campbell - The Sapphire Sleeper - First Year - Team PENDING

Siuwa

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2016, 07:42:25 AM »
Post edited. If any questions are unanswered please tell me.
As for the economic conditions of her family, I think I have Flynt in my defense.
Edits: Typos, and:
Quote
She's a faunus and is again discrimated, but no one messed with her physically after she skipping her 4th and 5th years under large support from teachers which included those who don't like the faunus as a species too much but don't discriminate them.
She loved electromagnetism thanks to her name and wanted to create a coilgun as her weapon but failed horribly after taking a hint in maths from another teacher and still almost electrocuted herself along with her teammates. At school she were bullied for loving 'stupid magnets' since that incident (and slightly less for being a faunus),But the damage was done. It changed her as what she is now.
Timeline changed to make skipping more reasonable.
Quote
Her aura glow is mainly red but with small but scannable amount of infrared by glowing in the same way regular colorful aura glows.
Tried to explain how infrared aura works.
Quote
Primary Form: A bulky brick red large cannon with an optimized muzzle length of 1.5 meters that can both smash people and fire 10kg shells with a muzzle velocity of just under mach 1. It dealt 30% damage to her when she tested it against herself without using her semblance. A poor student took 40 after taking its full blunt right on in a sparring match.


Dust Functions: Kinetic dust used to launch were launched and timed with a fuse for sometimes fragmentation and the other times armor piercing shells. A very large amount of them is used and thus creates a recoil that harms her aura at about 30 percent per shot AND knocked her down if her semblance is not used taking her 15 seconds to recover and another 20 to reload. She can only bring 5 to 10 shells with her and a cart had to be made for just that.
Specified and changed stats.
Quote
Linings of dust channels provides dust usage when triggered. They make the sword coats in in the dust so it catches fire/freezes/whatever the dust it uses.
Explained how dust are used in action.
« Last Edit: December 25, 2016, 01:41:16 AM by Siuwa »
Catalina Glenn - first year Beacon Academy student - "Not funny, dude! And not dudes... and everyone else... " - Cata, Cat.
Infrared Ray - fourth year Atlas academy student - "So it's __ and __(insert name here) meets each other."
Sheer Gold - second year Beacon academy student - "This is super effective!"

ecksdeeeXD

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2016, 01:06:33 AM »
Siu! ;A; I didn't know you replied! ;A: Please put the edits in a post. I don't know what changed ;~;
Zora Akash - The Sunset Scholar - First Year - Team PENDING

Elidyr Vulcan - The Copper Creator - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Running Brook Sienna - The Purple Pugilist - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Ashelynne Campbell - The Sapphire Sleeper - First Year - Team PENDING

ecksdeeeXD

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2016, 01:59:56 AM »
For the sword, how much ice can it make? Or if she strikes a wall, how big a fireball will it make?
Zora Akash - The Sunset Scholar - First Year - Team PENDING

Elidyr Vulcan - The Copper Creator - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Running Brook Sienna - The Purple Pugilist - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Ashelynne Campbell - The Sapphire Sleeper - First Year - Team PENDING

Siuwa

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2016, 02:10:10 AM »
Quote
Its output can make the whole sword freeze over with thickness of about 1 centimeter, can heat up to 200 degrees Celsius and make a 30 cm radius fireball when it hit something, and current flow can paralyze upon hit for about 10 seconds and take out 5% aura (on another student) per second of contact.
Output specs done.
Catalina Glenn - first year Beacon Academy student - "Not funny, dude! And not dudes... and everyone else... " - Cata, Cat.
Infrared Ray - fourth year Atlas academy student - "So it's __ and __(insert name here) meets each other."
Sheer Gold - second year Beacon academy student - "This is super effective!"

ecksdeeeXD

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2016, 01:18:24 PM »
My last problem is history. Atlas' Academy is the same as Beacon's. Four years course and first years are generally 17 years old. Judging by her history, she applied at 11 and got in at 13.
Zora Akash - The Sunset Scholar - First Year - Team PENDING

Elidyr Vulcan - The Copper Creator - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Running Brook Sienna - The Purple Pugilist - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Ashelynne Campbell - The Sapphire Sleeper - First Year - Team PENDING

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2016, 10:08:43 PM »
Changed her age accordingly.
Catalina Glenn - first year Beacon Academy student - "Not funny, dude! And not dudes... and everyone else... " - Cata, Cat.
Infrared Ray - fourth year Atlas academy student - "So it's __ and __(insert name here) meets each other."
Sheer Gold - second year Beacon academy student - "This is super effective!"

ecksdeeeXD

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2017, 10:30:39 AM »
Well, if I missed anything, the next mod'll get it. Approved 1/2 :D
« Last Edit: January 03, 2017, 07:47:33 PM by Xarias Fury »
Zora Akash - The Sunset Scholar - First Year - Team PENDING

Elidyr Vulcan - The Copper Creator - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Running Brook Sienna - The Purple Pugilist - Fourth Year - Team PENDING

Ashelynne Campbell - The Sapphire Sleeper - First Year - Team PENDING

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2017, 07:46:51 PM »
Quote
4th year Atlas student, currently living in Mountain Glenn and regularly traverse between there to scavenge for a living and Atlas academy to have lessons.

Okay let me stop you there. So you're saying a student, not an accomplished huntsman, lives in Mt. Glenn of all places. A haven of grimm and maybe underground criminal organizations with no law-abiding bodies to watch over it and no organized body whatsoever to maintain and...sigh. You get the idea. If not I seriously ask you change this part and whatever part of it is included in history. For one: She's an ATLAS STUDENT. What would she be doing in a broken part of Vale while commuting to school using god only knows what. It's literally hundreds(probably) of miles away and not to mention a grimm infested failure of a city. I'll say it again. Remove. Change. No you can't have an ATLAS student or any student for the matter stay in Mt. Glenn. That's just ridiculous.

Quote
She is also a one women deconstructor fleet when she has a strong opinion towards a subject.

What? I'm pretty sure you can phrase that better.

Quote
A=M(m(v-u)^2)/2

So aura = M(unknown)(m[mass???](vecloity(?)?oiwqjriopasjio;faw

If you're gonna add a random probably non-nonsensical equation you might as well remove it entirely since nobody, and i'm sure even you, won't be using that to calculate for stuff.

oh also

Quote
Her aura is also one years' worth of advanced compared to specialists of the same year.

Special snowflake much? Ten years more advanced? No.Denied.

Combat behavior.

Fix the eyesore. Dark blue against mottled gray isn't really pleasing to look at.

Also, basically its saying she's good at everything. okay. No.

Quote
-Extremely vulnerable to thermography

Unlike normal people who are cold blooded. wow.

Combat behavior is favoring her side as always, being special, and her weaknesses aren't really anything that would be considered an actual threat to her person. I'd prefer to see things in paragraph form but maybe laying things out would make it easier to spot mistakes.

Weapon

10kg shells. That's bloody heavier than most normal weapons, ya know? So what does the gun weigh? 10000kg? A mach 1 10kg shell is basically stronger than a howitzer. So no. You probably can't carry it in the first place.

I suggest you reread stuff and maybe throw this thing in wip first if you want more suggestions from other people. I'd go way into detail but I'm not really that into this right now and I won't have the time to go back and forth.

If you can fix the problem sections that would be swell but I advise you read a bit more on balancing stuff and not trying to exaggerate values and equations and even living places. The profile reeks of overcompensation in some areas to an already 'superior' student. So I'm revoking dee's approval.









Students
Wisteria Lockheart - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Don't make me throw a book at you"
Shiroe Pendragon - 1st Year Student at beacon - "This is my monochrome reality" - Team MARS
Lavender du Lac - 1st Year Student at Haven -  "The harder I try the further things drift away." Team RWND
Ayaka Miyamoto - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Tsubame Gaeshi!" - Team ALIA
Vermilion Desdemona - 3rd Year Student at Beacon - "Only time you'd be above me is when your head rests on my pike"
Talen de L'eglantine - 3rd Year Student at Beacon
Kei Almas - 4th Year Student at Beacon - "Everything is ripe for the taking!"
Aurum LeBlanc - 3rd Year Student at Atlas - "Lay back, take it easy, and watch the comedy unfold"

Professors
Professor William Nox - "To contain the world in a grain of dust *EXPOROSION*

Siuwa

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2017, 07:31:02 AM »
Removed the dumb weakness (vulnerable to thermography).
Removed living in Mountain Glenn.
Removed one year advantage in aura.
Changed Reaction.
Quote
Primary Form: A bulky brick red rocket launcher with an tube length of 1.5 meters that can both smash people and fire unguided rockets. It dealt 20% damage to her when she tested it against herself without using her semblance and up to 40 if semblance is used to sent it exactly back.
 
Dust Functions: Kinetic dust were used to launch and timed with a fuse for fragmentation or high explosive heads. A very large amount of them is used and thus creates a recoil that harms her aura at about 30 percent per shot AND knocked her down if her semblance is not used(40 if semblance is used) taking her 20 to reload. She can bring 10 to 20 rockets with her and a cart had to be made for just that.
Rephrased the awkward sentence.
Catalina Glenn - first year Beacon Academy student - "Not funny, dude! And not dudes... and everyone else... " - Cata, Cat.
Infrared Ray - fourth year Atlas academy student - "So it's __ and __(insert name here) meets each other."
Sheer Gold - second year Beacon academy student - "This is super effective!"

Xarias Fury

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2017, 02:14:08 AM »
Round 2

Quote
After a long discussion they trained her on spot to learn basic casting with dust available in the mines.
Casting? What kind of casting? Plain dust usage? Because other than weiss nobody is capable of using dust to really make real 'spells' out of them if that's what you meant.

Quote
Nonetheless, her relationship with the group became better than ever and they trained her all her life.
What did they train her in? More mining? Or are you referring to the other 'aura users'. Aura users is a vague term since anybody can have it unlocked and you don't really use your aura but the manifestation of it, meaning the semblance.

Quote
She's a faunus and is again discrimated, but no one messed with her physically after she skipping her 2th and 3th years under large support from teachers which included those who don't like the faunus as a species too much but don't discriminate them.

First you say she had trouble in her academics and had good fighting prowess next you're saying she's skipping two years straight. Seems a little inconsistent and nothing shows that she exerted any additional effort. Not to mention teachers who seemed to support a faunus who couldn't get in the school the first time and allowed her to skip 2 years somehow. Sure she's helped by a teacher but TWO WHOLE YEARS, I doubt that they'd let such a thing fly not to mention there are probably prerequisites for certain subjects.

ALso, WHY WOULD YOU NEED A YEAR SKIPPER???? This ain't Ruby Rose, who probably got in because she was silver eyed for surveillance. So no, no year skipping. You also say she has a year advantage against others her year yet she skipped years making her roughly equivalent to a year lower than them. That doesn't make sense. Unless of course she's a special snowflake who's better than everyone just because she trained harder with special help. Nothing to stop you from simply having her get a normal education and actually age properly.

Another part says she enlisted under specialists though I'm not sure whether you get the specialist thing while you're still in school. Winter seemed to be a far cry from a student so I don't think so. Also, specialists are probably a special ops group under high command so you should change that to something along the lines of  'training to become a specialist' rather than being one right now.

Personality
8th yr in what?

Semblance seems fine for the meantime but you state later on that she can change its direction. I do not see anything but 'return to sender' in short, directly back where it came from. Please specify. Also, does her semblance trigger automatically or does it rely on.

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It dealt 20% damage to her when she tested it against herself without using her semblance and up to 40 if semblance is used to sent it exactly back.

Why is it doing twice as much damage when it's sent back? Her semblance did not say anything about amplifying damage. Also, she must be a masochist to be taking an artillery shell head on.

Longsword has a lot of dust functions. It would be better if you simplify it by saying, it can freeze stuff and shoot fireballs.

Discussed the portable artillery cannon. Should be allowed, just don't treat it like a bazooka(which would've been waaaaaaaaaay more practical.[/color]








Students
Wisteria Lockheart - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Don't make me throw a book at you"
Shiroe Pendragon - 1st Year Student at beacon - "This is my monochrome reality" - Team MARS
Lavender du Lac - 1st Year Student at Haven -  "The harder I try the further things drift away." Team RWND
Ayaka Miyamoto - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Tsubame Gaeshi!" - Team ALIA
Vermilion Desdemona - 3rd Year Student at Beacon - "Only time you'd be above me is when your head rests on my pike"
Talen de L'eglantine - 3rd Year Student at Beacon
Kei Almas - 4th Year Student at Beacon - "Everything is ripe for the taking!"
Aurum LeBlanc - 3rd Year Student at Atlas - "Lay back, take it easy, and watch the comedy unfold"

Professors
Professor William Nox - "To contain the world in a grain of dust *EXPOROSION*

Siuwa

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2017, 08:49:35 PM »
Removed dust casting.
Specified 'that group' are former hunters.
Removed year skipping so she is two years older.
Changed her into a specialist in training.
Specified failed in year 4 grimm biology and history.
Changed longsword into just stun, freeze an arm and deal DPS.
Reaction is changed into a shoulder mounted rocket launcher.
Catalina Glenn - first year Beacon Academy student - "Not funny, dude! And not dudes... and everyone else... " - Cata, Cat.
Infrared Ray - fourth year Atlas academy student - "So it's __ and __(insert name here) meets each other."
Sheer Gold - second year Beacon academy student - "This is super effective!"

Xarias Fury

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Re: Infrared Ray
« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2017, 08:31:16 AM »
Should be fine now.

Approved.
Students
Wisteria Lockheart - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Don't make me throw a book at you"
Shiroe Pendragon - 1st Year Student at beacon - "This is my monochrome reality" - Team MARS
Lavender du Lac - 1st Year Student at Haven -  "The harder I try the further things drift away." Team RWND
Ayaka Miyamoto - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Tsubame Gaeshi!" - Team ALIA
Vermilion Desdemona - 3rd Year Student at Beacon - "Only time you'd be above me is when your head rests on my pike"
Talen de L'eglantine - 3rd Year Student at Beacon
Kei Almas - 4th Year Student at Beacon - "Everything is ripe for the taking!"
Aurum LeBlanc - 3rd Year Student at Atlas - "Lay back, take it easy, and watch the comedy unfold"

Professors
Professor William Nox - "To contain the world in a grain of dust *EXPOROSION*