[CallMeDoc]

CHARACTER

Name:
Rye Oakborn
Age:
21
Species and Gender:
Human Male
Symbol:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Occupation:
3rd Year Beacon student

Appearance:

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Like this dude but with plaid flannel!" *waves hands dramatically forcing you to think about this character in a plaid flannel overshirt.

Rye is well built lad standing about 5ft 8 weighting around 160 lbs. He has deep green eyes and medium length brown hair often kept in a pony tail. As a result of Rye's hard work on the farm and training he endured to get into Beacon, Rye is by no means considered scrawny or fat. His most notable feature is his wide shoulders and his odd love of flannel plaid and denim jeans. He dresses like a farmer's child often opting to keep his flannel open and thin Kevlar like body armor as an undershirt along with a pair of old blue jeans. Rye equips shoulder pads, knee pads, and some leather bracers but prefers to stay agile and light.   

History:
Raised by a former huntress and a livestock farmer, Rye was raised to both love and care for life in all its forms. As a child he would play with the sheep and explore the woods with his mother as they collected herbs for dinner to pass the time. As he grew older and stronger though more was expected of him. He then had chores to do, lessons to learn, and sheep to be corralled. Once he reached about 10 years old he started training with a blade and became quite handy with it. He further grew his skills under the tutelage of his mother who insisted that, "Anything they can teach you at Signal I can teach better." If that was actually true, Rye would never know. Though not a huntsman, his father taught Rye everything he knows about survival and how to be a good person. They would spend long nights herding the sheep, plowing crops, and enjoying life. That isn't to say that Rye did not enjoy his time with his mother though, they would train practicing dueling techniques and tactics and Rye loved it. His mother was his best friend next to the sheep and sheep dogs. Thankfully there were few Grimm incidents, and as he grew older Rye began to help his mother and father should the flock or the homestead be in danger. Only one incident in Rye's lifetime was another team of huntsman and huntresses needed to defend the farm. One night, as Rye was putting the sheep to sleep, a pack of Beowolves attacked. Rye did his best to defend the flock, but there is only so much a young 13 year old can do. When his parents arrived to aid him more seemed to appear from the woods. As the fight extended more Grimm appeared. A few Ursa's, a few boarbatusks, then it appeared. A duel headed King Taijuta slithered it's way into the clearing. It went straight for the flock. Rye watched in horror as his friends were torn apart and killed by the beast. The sheep could not fight or out run the creature. Grimm did not kill the sheep for food or because they posed a threat, they simply killed the flocked just because. Rye attempted to distract the beast hitting it sides hoping to save what was left of his childhood friends. His planned worked, but as a result the creature encircled Rye as the space between grew smaller and smaller. Luckily allied huntsman and huntresses arrived before Rye could be killed and dispatched the creature just before Rye was to be crushed. This fight lasted a straight 10 hours. This attack is what pushed Rye to join Beacon, he hoped to stop incidents like this from ever happening again. Rye tends to stay away from the topic due to the memories being rather gruesome and scary though the eyes of a 13 year old. On his 18th birthday Rye went off to be tested, and managed to pass.

Personality:
A southern gentlemen and an over protective big brother are often described as Rye's core traits. Rye may have been raised in a barn, OK a place with a barn, but he is by no means without manners or class. Though not raised to be as well refined or classy, Rye is a respectable lad who does his best make his momma proud. His momma raised him to be gentlemen as well as a huntsman after all. Rye is a kind soul always looking to keep his allies happy in any way possible and loves to bring a smile to people's faces. He can often be found at a pub enjoying a round of drinks with strangers, having a friendly duel with another student, or amazing children with his semblance. Though disciplined and hard working, Rye tends to fall into the middle of the pack regarding classwork due to his tendency to get distracted and his distaste of standing still. When insulted or hurt (outside of combat) Rye tends to just shrug it off and chuckle being raised to be the better man. That being said if it one of Rye's friends who are hurt or insulted, Rye will not hesitate to get into a fight. A warm heart tends to come with a hot head. Along with his charismatic attitude comes a tendency be get caught up in whatever he's doing and forget or forsake more important matters. A fairly simple problem with a fairly simple solution, simply call Rye's momma and she'll whip him back into shape.       

Aura and Semblance:
Rye's Aura is a Deep green and is about average in power and durability. Due the fact that his semblance is one of the more essential parts of his fighting style, it has been trained to be a fairly large pool for him to draw on. Rye's semblance is telekinesis, anything within a 10 ft radius of him can be moved as if he was holding it. However much Rye can lift physically (With his hands as if actually grabbing and picking up something), in this case about 250-300 lbs, is the weight limit for his semblance. This weight can be distributed between multiple objects as long as it doesn't go over 300 lbs. Simply using it causes little to no effort but mainly depends on how heavy the object is. EX:  5 lbs = 3% per minuet. Rye cannot move a living creature, but he carry a living being on a nonliving surface should the total weight not exceed 300 lbs.       

Combat Behavior:
Defensive Countering. Rye will opt to stay in mid range using the 7 virtues to keep enemies either at bay or near him as he faces enemies one by one. Rye excels in one on one combat but can be easily swarmed if he's not paying attention. If an ally is in danger Rye will prioritize them over his current target. Though great at countering, Rye lacks a high enough constitution to survive many direct hits.   

WEAPONS

Name:
Discipline
Primary Form:
In its primary form, Discipline is a 40 inch Rapier. (That's the average size of a Rapier it seems) Best used for quick thrusts and countering. It is a more defensive weapon that relies on reacting and countering but lacks in offensive power. 

Secondary Form:
The length of the blades folds on itself multiple times to form a barrel as the length of the blade is notched in a u like fashion and the hilt acts as the firing mechanism. The grip bends and the cross guard has a trigger becoming a simple pistol with 12 9mm rounds.

Dust Functions:
It in Rapier form dust augments it's counters sending back a blast of dust based energy as the result of blocking a attack (similar to Wiesse's Counter in the White Trailer). In pistol form the bullets are augmented depending on the element. Rye will tend to stick to gravity, earth, and ice dust if possible.

Spoiler: ShowHide

https://j.gifs.com/pg7lvp.gif

Gravity: Knock back effect
Earth: Rock shards will fly at the attacker as the result of the blade being hit
Ice: The attacking weapon will be frozen or hit by a flurry of ice shards
Any other dust will react similarly to Ice dust.

Other Weapons
Name: The 7 Virtues
Rye carries 7 10 lb sabers each about 3 feet tall that he controls with his semblance. When not in use they compress together and are stored in sheath on Rye's back. When used with Rye's semblances the total weight of the swords are 70 lbs and cost about 42% strain per minuet so Rye tends to only use a few at a time, or he simply stabs them in the ground till needed. Each of them are named after the 7 virtues that counter the 7 seven deadly sins:Humility against pride, Kindness against envy, Abstinence against gluttony, Chastity against lust, Patience against anger, Liberality against greed, and Diligence against sloth.

History:
Woodworking and blacksmithing are two hobbies Rye actually took upon himself to learn during his schooling. While attempting to make Discipline, The Seven Virtues were created. Rather than throw them away, as Rye has never been one to waste, he improved them fashioning them into a valued weapon in Rye's arsenal. Discipline took quite a few tries to make due to the complexity required in its transformation, but thanks to ingenuity of his dad, the weapon knowledge of his mother, and lots of the Remnant equivalent of wood glue and duct ape, it was complete. Over the course of Rye's years at beacon he has found ways to strengthen Discipline making it more sturdy and reliable and now is considered Rye's finest creations.   
 

[jjb2158]

Alright, since this hasn't been reviewed yet, the Staff decided to do a group review to get this done faster. So here, we go:

History:

Though friendly and seemingly likable, Rye hasn't made any concrete friendships, but hope's his teammates will be people he can trust and ultimately treat like family.

This line seems redundant and not necessary. It's already implied that he has a team so you don't need to have this in the history. If anything, it would fit better in the personality section.

Personality:

A southern gentlemen

...really? A southern gentlemen? You have no idea how much this irked me (ask the other staff). If you're going to imply this, then you need to go into further details explaining what this exactly means.

Semblance:
The bulk of our discussions about Rye were focused on his semblance. It's a good semblance, but is a bit OP. That said, we advise that the cost to use and maintain his semblance be increased to 5lbs = 3% per minute. This is primarily to make it so that he cannot overly abuse his semblance to its full extent. Aside from that, it's more or less good.

Weapon:
A couple things:
1. In regards to the dust functions: you will need to list out what dust types he uses and what effects they have. More detail is needed here.
2. Move the "Other Weapons" part below the "Dust Function" part so it's cleaner and easier to understand.

That covers it for me.

[CallMeDoc]

Changes made

[Kaliot]

Nitpicking brigade has arrived.

Rye is well built lad standing about 5ft 8 weighting around 160 ibs. He has deep green eyes and medium length brown hair often kept in a pony tail. As a result of Rye's hard work on the farm and training he endured to get into beacon Rye is by no means considered scrawny or fat. His most notable feature is his wide shoulders and his odd love of flannel plaid and denim jeans. He dresses like a farmer's child often opting to keep his flannel open and thin kevlar like body armor as an undershirt along with a pair of old blue jeans. Rye equips shoulder pads, knee pads, and some leather bracers but prefers to stay agile and light.   

1. "lbs" (with an L)
2. Capitalize and add comma after.

History:
Raised by a former huntress and a livestock farmer, Rye was raised to both love and care for life in all it's forms. As a child he would play with the sheep and explore the woods with his mother as they collected herbs for dinner to pass the time. As he grew older and stronger though more was expected of him. He then had chores to do, lessons to learn, and sheep to be corralled. Once he reached about 10 years old he started training with a blade and became quite handy with it. He further grew his skills under the tutelage of his mother who insisted that, "Anything they can teach you at Signal I can teach better." If that was actually true, Rye would never know. Though not a huntsman, his father taught Rye everything he knows about survival and how to be a good person. They would spend long nights herding the sheep, plowing crops, and enjoying life. That isn't to say that Rye did not enjoy his time with his mother though, they would train practicing dueling techniques and tactics and Rye loved it. His mother was his best friend next to the sheep and sheep dogs. Thankfully there were few grimm incidents, and as he grew older Rye began to help his mother and father should the flock or the homestead be in danger. Only one incident in Rye's lifetime was another team of huntsman and huntresses needed to defend the farm, and that attack is what pushed Rye to join Beacon. Rye tends to stay away from the topic due to the memories being rather gruesome and scary though the eyes of a 13 year old. On his 18th birthday Rye went off to be tested, and managed to pass.

1. "its"
2. Capitalize
3. Reword and add a little bit more detail about the event.

Personality:
A southern gentlemen and an over protective big brother are often described as Rye's core traits. Rye may have been raised in a barn, OK a place with a barn, but he is by no means without manners or class. Though not raised to be as well refined or classy, Rye is a respectable lad who does his best make his momma proud. His momma raised him to be gentlemen as well as a huntsman after all. Rye is a kind soul always looking to keep his allies happy in any way possible and loves to bring a smile to peoples faces. He often be found at a pub enjoying a round of drinks with strangers, having a friendly duel with another student, or amazing children with his semblance. Though disciplined and hard working, Rye tends to fall into the middle of the pack regarding classwork due to his tendency to get distracted and his distaste of standing still. When insulted or hurt (outside of combat) Rye tends to just shrug it off and chuckle being raised to be the better man. That being said if it one of Rye's friends who are hurt or insulted, Rye will not hesitate to get into a fight. A warm heart tends to come with a hot head. Along with his charismatic attitude comes a tendency be get caught up in whatever he's doing and forget or forsake more important matters. A fairly simple problem with a fairly simple solution, simply call Rye's momma and she'll whip him back into shape.

     
1. "people's"
2. "He can often..."

Aura and Semblance:
Rye's Aura is a Deep green and is about average in power and durability. Due the fact that his semblence is one of the more essential parts of his fighting style, it has been trained to be a fairly large pool for him to draw on. Rye's semblence is telekinesis, anything within a 10ft radius of him can be moved as if he was holding it. However much Rye can lift physically (With his hands as if actually grabbing and picking up something), in this case about 250-300 ibs, is the wieght limit for his semblance. This weight can be distributed between multiple objects as long as it doesn't go over 300 Ibs. Simply using it causes little to no effort but mainly depends on how heavy the object is. EX:  5ibs = 3% per minuet. Rye cannot move a living creature, but he carry a living being on a nonliving surface should the total weight not exceed 300 Ibs.

   
1. "semblance"
2. -
3. "lbs"
4. "weight"
5. -
6. -
7. "minute"
8. -

Name:Discipline
1. Move outside of tags.

Primary Form:
In it's primary form, Discipline,  is a 40 inch Rapier. (That's the average size of a Rapier it seems) Best used for quick thrusts and countering. It is a more defensive weapon that relies on reacting and countering but lacks in offensive power.

1. Remove comma
2. "its"

Secondary Form:
The length of the blades folds on itself multiple times to form a barrel, the grip bends and the cross guard has a trigger becoming a simple pistol with 12 rounds 9mm rounds.

Please clarify how the folding creates the barrel of the pistol.
1. Remove

Dust Functions:
It in Rapier form dust augments it's counters sending back a blast of dust based energy as the result of blocking a attack (similar to Wiesse's Counter in the White Trailer). In pistol form the bullets are augmented depending on the element. Rye will tend to stick to gravity, earth, and ice dust if possible.
Gravity: Knock back effect
Earth: Rock shards will fly at the attacker as the result of the blade being hit
Ice: The attacking weapon will be frozen or hit by a flurry of ice shards
Any other dust will react similarly to Ice dust.

You do you mean by the [bold]?

Other Weapons
Name: The 7 Virtues
Rye carries 7 10 ib sabers each about 3 feet tall that he controls with his semblance. When not in use they compress together and are stored in sheath on Rye's back. Each of them are named after the 7 virtues that counter the 7 seven deadly sins:Humility against pride, Kindness against envy, Abstinence against gluttony, Chastity against lust, Patience against anger, Liberality against greed, and Diligence against sloth.

Please make sure you account for the weight.
1. "lb"

History:
Woodworking and blacksmithing are two hobbies Rye actually took upon himself to learn during his schooling. While attempting to make Discipline, The Seven Virtues were created. Rather than throw them away, as Rye has never been one to waste, he improved them fashioning them into a valued weapon in Rye's arsenal. Discipline took quite a few tries to make due to the complexity required in it's transformation, but thanks to ingenuity of his dad, the weapon knowledge of his mother, and lot's of the Remnant equivalent of wood glue and duct ape, it was complete. Over the course of Rye's years at beacon he has found ways to strengthen discipline making it more sturdy and reliable and now is considered Rye's finest creations.   

1. "its"
2. "lots"
3. Capitalize
4. Capitalize

[CallMeDoc]

Changes made

[Kaliot]

I did specify a little bit since I liked that it was pretty vague :p, but that's fine I suppose.

Group approved.