Author Topic: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)  (Read 990 times)

nathan67003

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Planning to do the thing in Vacuo.
OHEYLOOK IT'S A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW

CHARACTER

Name: Maena Nadir

Age: 17, born 31st of Saule 63 AC

Species and Gender: Female human

Symbol: A series of lines of various sizes, the same colour as her Aura, radiating from a common center.

Occupation: Shade Academy student, first year

Appearance: Clocking in at 172.7 cm/5'8" and about 59 kg/130 lbs, Maena's muscles don't really show, albeit she looks quite lean and healthy. Her C-cup chest's not especially noteworthy, either. Her face is a set of soft, smooth features. Her voice is somewhat high - at least, a bit higher than average for women her age. She sports a naturally tanned skin with around shoulderbone-length, straight and black hair usually kept in a bun. Her eyes are of a deep, rich hazelnut. She writes with her left hand.

More often than not, Maena can be seen wearing bright yellow work boots, finding it an excellent all-rounder that still breathes enough to be comfortable in the desert. Not too bright, though - the sand is already blinding enough as it is. While her favourite clothes are a pair of beige jeggings and a white t-shirt, she doesn't shy away from switching at a moment's notice, depending on the weather. When going out into the sun for a prolonged amount of time, she'll bring along a legionnaire's cap, desert-coloured in most cases. She has some rare clothing adapted to cooler climates, but they're deeeeeeep in her wradrobe. Her more formal attire is a black dress with a smooth, straight skirt that goes down to her ankles alongside some black sandal-type shoes. Her sleeping stuff could be briefly described as 'the minimum', although not the bare minimum. Come on. Her combat attire is pretty much just a large pouch/sling bag on her left for ammo, a few holsters and an attachment point to keep the halberd form in her back and ready to use.

History: Maena's parents are - well, were, but more on that later - scavengers operating to the south-west of Vacuo, moving around with the small tribe they were part of in a nomadic fashion. They'd both been born (and raised, for the most part) in Vacuo and had decided to strike out to see more of the world and challenge themselves. One day, though, the unexpected happened - a child was accidentally conceived due to the failure of an important component. This didn't really upset them, they were even ecstatic about it. However, they chose to go back to Vacuo for the child's safety, the Academy being the only semblance of a law-enforcing group around these parts. Thus, they bid farewell to their companions and went back.

Still, Lien didn't just fall from the sky, they needed to make a living somehow. They settled on opening a sort of liaison office between scavengers and potential buyers. They'd met a few people over the years, so there wasn't exactly a zero amount of people willing to trust them. It became better over time, though, word-of-mouth spreading a good reputation to sellers and buyers alike.

It's in this environment that Maena was born. Right from the get-go, pretty much anyone who spent more than 30 seconds with her could tell she was quite the energetic baby. As she grew, that energy became more and more focused. Even before kindergarten, she would gladly take on any chores assigned by her parents with an intensity seldom seen in children her age. As she grew, this tendency, this focus, affirmed itself further. Whether it was helping a friend, cleaning her room, doing the laundry or her homework, once she'd started a task, she would put lots of her energy into it and wouldn't stop until it was completed, barely taking any rest - bar emergencies arising. While decidedly tiring, her ample energy combined with dedication gave her first place in academics several times. She was known as somebody you could count on and her friends protected her from those who would seek to exploit this good will.

She had decided, since long before entering the path to become a Huntress, that she would help and protect others. She loved doing it and it seemed to be a nice fit for it. Her trend of deeply focusing on the current task didn't stop by the time she enrolled into Oasis. She studied everything that was thrown at her with a genuine thirst for knowledge and the desire to better herself. Although the competition was undoubtedly fiercer than in, say, elementary school, she managed to come out as one of the best-performing students in academics as well as being among the upper echelons in terms of battle prowess. Backed with these, she passed the Shade exam with a very high score in academics, and ranked in among the top in both sparring and live combat.

Personality: Maena is a bright and energetic young woman, possessing a surprisingly vast sense of humour - mind you, she's not the one to cracks jokes most of the time. She refrains from being overtly mean to others unless they themselves are being overtly mean to someone. If (somehow) angered, she will more often than not make a mess before swiftly departing to prevent further escalation, then come back when things have cooled down to settle the litigious matters.

Her most glaring quality - and defect - is her dedication to the task at hand. We're not merely talking about being studious, here. We're talking about studying until dropping from lack of sleep, or in more complex terms, working towards her current intended goal with an abandon rarely seen. Thus, while she's friendly to (almost) all, she has few people she considers as "actual friends", every single one being extremely precious to her. This also makes her have stunningly excellent scores and grades at the cost of, well, sleep and whatnot.

Her hobbies are pretty much nonexistant - having a hobby would make her too focused solely on the aforementioned activity, which would be highly detrimental to her grades and general well-being. She therefore fills her free time with whatever aids her goals - learning to cook the perfect crepe, studying the finer points of Dust properties or even just practicing combat.

Aura and Semblance: Maena's Aura is a somewhat silvery blue - if that even makes sense. It can be clearly seen when coalescing.

Her semblance is Emission: She is capable of emitting her Aura in a variety of light-like ways, where power, 'wavelength' and emission method can be changed. Using her semblance requires significant concentration, making Maena almost completely immobile while she does so - unless she's using very low power. To be clear: it is light-like, and far from travelling anywhere close to relativistic speeds.

Power: Maena can effortlessly keep a continuous emission of very low power (high-power laser pointer) in directional mode and the equivalent of a bright lightbulb in omnidirectional/non-directional mode. Unless you happen to get the directional mode's low-power emission right in the eye, these are entirely harmless. As a general rule of thumb, however much 'battery' she uses is directly proportional to the power emitted. Pulsed mode is approximately twice as efficient as continuous mode, charging taking twice as many seconds as the amount of capacity she's using. Omnidirectional uses significantly (~10 times) less capacity due to the enormous amount of power that needs to be funneled into the far larger surface area to induce similar effects (high brightness). The maximum she can dish out, as of now, is 2% capacity continuous and 20% instant.

Wavelength: At the moment, Maena can only emit a single 'wavelength'/'colour' at a time and cannot reverse the emission's direction in omni mode (superpose emissions of the same wavelength at different phases). She can currently go from about mid-infrared to Neon red-ish.

Method: There are two sub-methods that must be chosen at once.
- Continuous/Pulsed: In continuous mode, the emission is, as implied, continuous. Think of a laser (pointer), but with varying power (width is currently fixed and small). Pulsed, however, requires her to charge her emission: using (X/2)% capacity requires X seconds of charging. Pulsed releases in a brief flash, packing far more instant power than continuous.
- Directional/Omnidirectional: Directed emission creates a correlated stream of of Aura (in other words, a laser-like emission of Aura, but not necessarily out of visible or IR light*). This isn't as easy to aim as you may think; getting it to hit the target right off the bat is notably difficult. Add to that the fact that she's generally rather mediocre at aiming and you get a good-accuracy range for pulsed at 50-ish m or less.  She can only create one beam at a time. Omnidirectional emits the Aura from the surface of a sphere surrounding Maena, making her briefly look like a glowing, featureless ball of light if pulsed. Unless it's, y'know, not optical light, in which case you don't see shit. Continuous isn't powerful enough to obscure her. Also noteworthy, it isn't really capable of doing much damage, if at all. IR will feel like 'HOLY SHIT THAT'S HOT' but won't actually burn Aura-protected things for various reasons.

*Gaussian beam mechanics apply. Don't bother about this if you don't know what that means as it's not very important.

Combat Behavior: Maena tends to follow a certain pattern when commencing a battle: start with Sositi in halberd form to test out the opposition and, depending on the verdict, remain with the pole's superior reach or split her weapon for added mobility at the expense of some power and lots of reach. Every now and then she'll 'spice things up' by blasting the enemy with the shotgun form, mostly when significant damage is needed.

Her greatest weakness is change - she lacks foresight due to her fixation on the ongoing battle. While she'll still react to a change, say, a trap springing up, she won't see it coming until it's almost right on top of her. Same goes for an ambush; she'll adapt to the sudden influx of enemies but will not have seen them coming.

When using the halberd form, she will have a higher tendency to use large, powerful attacks, be they piercing or slashing, to make full use of the halberd's greater power. In split form, she'll make great use of her augmented mobility to dodge around the attacks and enemies, aiming to land hard blows in every opening she can take advantage of. She rarely fires the shotgun at anything but close range, her aim being... rather sub-par, let's say.

WEAPON

Name: Sositi

Primary Form: Sositi's more readily handled form consists of a large stick/small staff, a tonfa and an axe, the three of which all have distinct holsters. The axe looks a bit odd; apart from the spearhead-like extension of the middle shaft, the blades are hollow. That is, if you look at the blades from the side, they're only about a few centimeters of metal taking the shape of an arc on either side of the central shaft. The purpose of these voids is to ensnare enemy weapons and potentially disarm opponents.

Secondary Form: The axe fits on one end of the stick, while the tonfa's handle folds in and locks in on the other side. Minus the fiddling of assembly, which takes a few seconds, voilą, you have a working halberd. Do note that it is much faster to disassemble than it is to assemble.

Tertiary Form: The spearhead splits into two and moves to the unoccupied sides of the central shaft, 90 degrees relative to the axe blades. Just like that, a shotgun is ready to fire. It holds a max of 6 slugs at a time. Packs a rather heavy punch, with decent (read: not too large) spread, enough to still be pretty damaging right outside of close range and into mid-range - at least, with buckshot. Deershot packs a harder punch, flies better (requires decent aiming well to hit anything beyond close range) and has a longer max range. She carries around 6 standard deershots and 36 buckshots in her bag, possibly more depending on the mission.

Dust Functions: The shotgun is capable of accepting Dust ammo of the buckshot or deershot type, although she rarely has more than 2 deershot slugs per Dust type, which she prefers anyway because they have a bigger oomph than Dust buckshots.
- Fire: Explodes into a fireball.
- Kinetic + Fire mix: Explodes more like C4 and less like 'oooooh sudden heat'.
- Ice: Freezes stuff.
- Lightning: Zaps stuff. Hard.
- Kinetic: Hits much harder than normal due to increased projectile speed.
- Gravity: Multiplies the projectile's apparent mass by lots. Hits even harder, but the recoil is beyond atrocious.
Buckshot versions are more like concentrated sprays of Dust than projectiles. Gravity and Kinetic have, in this instance, a narrower spread and more speed, but not nearly as much as in deershot form.

History: Made when Maena started exploring weapon options during her time at Oasis. She decided on the design because it was simple (low failure rates, low costs), polyvalent and powerful as well as fitted to her strengths and weaknesses.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 07:22:53 AM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Kaliot

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Re: Maena Nadir
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2017, 04:46:00 PM »
Goals/exact uses of semblance?
Ask Me Anything!

Formatting

Characters: ShowHide

Sophea Devi Visorith - Beacon Nurse, Gardener, Health Nut, Scholar
Mao Visorith - First-Year Beacon Student, Team SFF[M]
Aurelia Caelius - Beacon Graduate, Huntress, Team [A]URM
Izumi Cremisi - Member of Obsidian Rose, Assassin, Thief, Arcade Enthusiast
Airi Fogden Bicardi - Second-Year Atlas Student, Family Heiress
Avery LeBlanc - Third-Year Atlas Student, Triplet, Duelist, Manipulator, Team SA[L]T | Threads [Team: ]
Yu Mei - First-Year Haven Student
Suna Arevik - First-Year Shade Student, Scavenger-in-Training, Team S[S]MR
Mara Lev - Mercenary, de facto Leader of Siren

Worldbuilding: ShowHide

Mahava Plains - The bastion of Eastern Sanus
Obsidian Rose - Valish Criminal Organization

nathan67003

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Re: Maena Nadir
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2017, 04:55:17 PM »
Err, for now, close- to early mid-range power bursts, long-range DoT, view finding ('look at this!'), flashbang (without the bang), heat source in cold environments. Think that covers most of it. To note that the flash is a bit less efficient because, y'know, red. Or IR, depending.

Eventually, even more powerful blasts close-range and long-range power comparable to current anti-projectile laser prototypes. Possible use in conjunction of Lightning Dust for creating electrolasers. Wavelength spanning entire EM spectrum, giving access to more penetrating shots up-close (which would be useless at long range because atmosphere) as well as fun things like microwave emission for cooking food/doing a person-sized Active Denial System. Multiple lasers at once, phase-based simultaneous emission to reverse emission direction (omnidirectional mode only).

Did I answer your question(s)?
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Kingnoname1

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Re: Maena Nadir
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2017, 03:37:06 AM »
I think the proper name for the hat you are thinking of is called a Legionnaires Cap

So the semblance seems ridiculously strong to me. If I'm reading this correctly Maena can instantly aura break infinite students as long as they are pack close+whatever cancer the EM radiation causes with a third of her reserves. Even in a scaled down I can't see anyone accepting accepting a semblance whose first form is auto hitting within an unspecified radius even ignoring your less than sterling reputation. And that's not going in to everything else you can do with it.

Weapon seems fine although it seems strange you have the base form the three separate weapons. Why not have the halberd the base form and everything splits off from there? I'm sure Sositi could be plural but it's still a bit odd.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

nathan67003

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Re: Maena Nadir
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2017, 05:53:02 AM »
Ooooh, thanks. Added that.

Yyyeeeaaaah, I've toned it down. Now it's X% continuous and twice as efficient for pulsed. Also, be aware that there is no autohit: aim isn't exactly her strong suit, as implied in the semblance's description. Also also be aware that she CANNOT Aura break an infinite number of students (why the hell did that even come up?) and that EM radiation goes from radio waves to gamma rays, so cancer's going to be delayed for a while. (seriously, a pulsed blast of gamma wouldn't give you cancer as much as pose a serious threat to your life) Also, again, radius SPECIFIED (mid-short range for pulsed is accurate enough, but that doesn't take into account people darting around to evade it) and a laser is, as long as you can see it, somewhat easy to aim. Omnidirectional can't really autohit either since it requires charging a pulse and continuous is rather underwhelming. Also, specified that semblance use requires significant concentration, making her almost completely immobile.

Oh and that's just because she uses the separated form more often than the halberd in combat. I could still switch them up, if you feel it'd be way better.

EDIT: Further rejiggered semblance from Discord talk w/ King, Calen, Monster and a few others I probably don't remember (I know, Ed). Removed damage values as per the recent change in the character template.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2017, 08:01:21 AM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

nathan67003

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Re: Maena Nadir
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2017, 07:15:38 PM »
Righto. So, I've written stuff for every section. Time to get some feedback to know whether or not she's actually done.
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Kingnoname1

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2017, 05:06:28 AM »
Well lets hope this is more constructive the second time round.

All joking aside it does look a lot better particularly around the semblance. There are only two things I'd bring up. 1). You mention 'augmented mobility' regarding Sositi's split form and I'm not really sure what you mean by that. 2). Just so you are aware you have given her a beyond crippling mental illness far beyond anything I have seen on the site so far. I would be very surprised if she is allowed out of the house without a carer let alone attend a dedicated combat academy.

Another minor thing is that you mention piercing attacks or stabs would have more power behind them but that simply isn't true because of the leverage of the swing. Like I said minor but it was still weird reading.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

nathan67003

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2017, 11:02:46 AM »
1) Well, er, 3 small sticks are more easily moved around than one small stick? 2) Please, do explain because whatever illness I gave her went waaayyy over my head, apparently.

Oh, well, okay. Just thought it made more sense but I'll removeve removed it since it doesn't. Replaced with 'tends to use more powerful strikes in halberd form'.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2017, 11:05:31 AM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Kingnoname1

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2017, 12:28:06 PM »
Well apply her super autism to anyother aspect of life.. Let's say she is walking to school, she is in rush because there is a test or whatever so she is really focused. And because its life something commes out of the blue; some one gets injured, car doesnt see her and regardlless what happens she woulld never change course. Llike come on, you specifically say she will defend grimm of all things.

Adaptability is a key skill for fighters of all kinds and i know we encourage weaknesses but literally gutting the only real skill a hunter needs is pretty extreme. And it would flair up in 1v1 combat as well as there are varibles in even those fights. Like what if her initial vision doesnt include their semblance or an unexpected weapon transformation. Does Maena keep fighting the swordsman like a swordsman even though its now a assault rifle?
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

nathan67003

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2017, 02:01:45 PM »
Right. Seems like I didn't describe it correctly. Nathan is the autistic character, not Maena. And I've got first-hand experience with autistic conditions.

Now, you do bring up good points. Yes, she lacks flexibility to a point - however, it's not nearly as intense as that. No, she won't defend Grimm, she'll deal with the first ones that showed up before taking care of the rest. To take your example of being in a rush, she wouldn't be so focused that everything else would stop existing, she'd merely make it her top priority to get to her destination on time. She would still be mindful of cars and would probably use her scroll to call emergency services or something if someone got injured.

When fighting, her goal isn't as narrow as 'defeat the current opponent with the current information available', but 'defeat the current opponent'. If the weapon transforms unexpectedly or an unknown semblance is used, the opponent hasn't changed - it's still the same opponent, but with added gizmos.

Does this clarify things enough?
If so, pls help meh integrate it to the current text. I don't know what my mistakes are.
If not, uh, well, shit. I dunno.
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Kingnoname1

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2017, 09:24:59 PM »
You literally say defend the ursa in the second paragraph of the combat behaviour.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2017, 10:05:50 PM »
Whaaaaaaat the actual fuck. Yeahno, I don't know what happened there apart from a sudden IQ of -8000. Stupidity fixed now.

EDIT: SHIT, I think I understand. It might've been 'defending against' but I somehow forgot the latter word. |(
« Last Edit: December 02, 2017, 10:07:32 PM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Kingnoname1

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2017, 03:11:00 AM »
So I really don't like usually in weaknesses particularly in major ones. Personally I would reduce the whole thing to a fixation to what is in front of her making her bad at forward planning but still reactive in the here and now then come up with another weakness.

Just because as it stands now what would she do if while fighting the Beowulf rather than an ursa shows up her team mate starts bleeding out. Maena being forced to ignore them isn't going to be fun for anyone.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

nathan67003

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2017, 07:14:06 AM »
Righto, doing (done?) that.

EDIT: Minor modifications to History, Personality and rewrite of the second paragraph of Combat Behavior. Haven't really added a third weakness in there, though. Dunno how I'd go about that.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 07:24:37 AM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

nathan67003

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Re: Maena Nadir (completed sections, taking feedback before bringing to CC)
« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2017, 11:44:41 AM »
So if nobody finds more stuff to (understandably) gripe about, I'll be moving this puppy to CC tomorrow.
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CBLT (dead team)
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES (dead team)
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA