Author Topic: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)  (Read 717 times)

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Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« on: April 28, 2018, 03:49:30 PM »
CHARACTER

Name: Joshua Schwarz

Age: 17
Species and Gender: Human,Male

Symbol:

Occupation: First Year Student at Beacon Academy

Appearance: Has dark blue eyes and dark blond hair from his family's heritage on his father's side. Has well kept muscles but still looks slim for his towering 6 ft 6 height. He Weighs 200 pounds and is covered by a Dark Grey Trench coat over a dark grey suit of armour that enhances his fighting ability.

His Armour has medium grey inner armour underneath that lets him move easier and protects him from harsh climates. The over armour is Jet Black with a grappling hook on his left arm that lets him pull objects or people closer to him for close quarter combat and to reach high grounds and a cylinder on his right arm that shoots out his weapon so he can use it almost instantly.His helmet completely covers his face but exposes the inner armour, that doesn't take as much damage as the outer armour, around the mouth area so he can breathe and you can hear him talk, his helmet is also equipped with thermal imaging to see people in the dark, however, using fire dust or a fire semblance on his armour disrupts the thermal imaging inside his helmet, effectively blinding him if he has his helmet on. His Armour is in pieces allowing easier movement and exposes the inner, weaker armour.
In social situations (including beacon), he wears a full black three piece suit, with his trench coat if he is going outside, but has to carry a walking stick, due to his leg injury. The walking stick is jet black, but with a Gold sphere at the top.


History: his father was high up in the Atlas military and trained Joshua at home whenever he could to make Joshua capable of defending himself from the White Fang threat. He didn't know anything about his mother because she passed away at childbirth. Joshua was never in an academy, he was always home schooled because his father felt that other students would get in the way of his learning.When he was 16, his father gave him his armour When he was 17, he got a letter from the Atlas Military that told him his father was killed in action by the white fang. This fuelled Joshua's hatred for the faunus group and he trained as hard as he could before leaving to Vale to join Beacon, because he thought that the military academy brought bad luck to his family. When he had asked for a job from a store owner in Vale, but was ultimately rejected, he was on his way to apply for another one, but found some thugs try to rob a faunus woman in an alleyway. After saving the woman, he realised he could use his skills that he had been taught by his father to help fight against the Grimm, so he applied for beacon instead of a job, and was, for the first time he had been in Vale, accepted. 

Personality: He is a quiet, intelligent man who will not feel remorse for most of his actions in and out of combat, he does not insult faunus or people who are different than him because he feels everyone is equal and dislikes people who don't think the same way, but he feels a hate for the white fang because his father was killed by them and told him many things about them whilst he was in Atlas, he also doesn't like being asked about his parents because it brings up memories of him opening the letter that was sent to him from Atlas that told him his father was killed in action, he is also known for his "silver tongue". Can be mean sometimes without knowing that it he is mean. He also gets very angry with people who insult his late family and has, on a few occasions, attacked innocent people for saying "the wrong thing" about his parents, and doesn't like the Atlas military because he thinks they didn't protect his father from the white fang when they killed him. He also has a fondness for historical artifacts, events and uses this to his own advantage, to spot any faunus abilities or to help see what the outcome may be when the kingdoms are in political strife, or under attack by the white fang/Grimm hordes. He also has a fondness for dark colours.

Aura and Semblance: He has a dark red aura. His semblance is absorbing the kinetic energy from a fight to increase his Agility,Speed and Strength up to 5 times their original values. How much these attributes are increased depends on how much kinetic energy he can absorb for example: if he is in a short fight with minimal movement, his semblance won't work as well as it would if he was in a long fight with a lot of movement, like a sparring match with other hunters. The energy he absorbs from the fight will disperse three minutes after it is absorbed. After he has used his semblance, and the energy has dispersed, he moves at a much slower pace than what he did before he activated his semblance, and his aura is drained by a quarter.

Combat Behaviour:  in combat, he will use his scoped pistol weapon form at medium-short range, his Rifle variation at a longer range and his sword variation at melee combat. He will not hold back in combat and only fights to win or lose. Sometimes ties are unacceptable for him, and can get frustrated in a fight, which can cause him to make mistakes. In defeat, he will carefully point out his mistakes and try his best to fix them, this may take days sometimes. in a defeat that endangers anyone's life, he will evacuate all people to preserve their life and maybe use their aid in another battle. He will try to end the fight as quickly as possible and tries to not let emotions get in the way of victory. His weaknesses are that his helmet can be rendered useless if a thermal semblance or fire dust is used because it uses thermal imaging, his right leg, which is near useless when he is not in his armour because he damaged it when he was home schooled by his father, which acts as a brace for his leg, which makes it a target and although he may be a good marksman, his hand-to-hand combat skills and skills with a sword are a "work in progress" so he prefers to stay at a long distance for most of his fights, so if you get in close, you have a higher chance of winning also, due to how many forms his weapon has, and how much dust it can hold, the weapon in it's sword form is heavier than usual and takes more effort to swing.

WEAPON

Name: The Enigma

Primary Form: The Primary form is a upgraded black Gewehr 98 with a red handle, a scope and a bayonet   

Secondary Form: The Secondary form is two long range Smith & Wesson Model 29 Classic pistols with the same colour scheme as the rifle with retractable scopes and screw on silencers.

Tertiary Form: The Tertiary form is a sword with the same colour scheme as the rifle and pistols and a faded red blade(see attachments for picture).

Dust Functions: Dust is utilised as propellant, projectiles and used on the weapons to set it (except the places that you put your hands on) on controlled fire

History: The Sword and pistol were owned by his father until he passed away and the rifle variation was created, as well as another pistol to compensate the mistakes that his father's weapon had.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2018, 11:05:03 AM by Zatorator »

Kingnoname1

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2018, 05:07:52 AM »
Welcome to the site, I saw this in WiP and it looks like you have put a lot more meat on the profile so good job there but we need some more.

In the appearance does he have social wear? Does he wear the school uniform? Dark also isn't a colour so what colour is trench coat or his armour?

History is mostly fine although the White Fang aren't as much an active threat as you seem to imply but that isn't a huge deal. Could you also explain why he is going to Beacon over Atlas, I know the out of character reason but an in character one would be nice.

The personality needs significantly more detail, it will be second most read section so it's important to sell yourself here. Not liking terrorists  isn't much of a character trait so think more about the why he acts the way he does.

A speed semblance is fine but you need to quantify it some how. I'm not talking about max speed or whatever but how long does it last? how much energy does it use? does it have a cool down? etc

Combat Behaviour is the most read and suffers from the same kind of issues, you should explain why Joshua has these traits and what affect they have. We also want 2-3 weaknesses.

Weapons are fine but you refer to a shotgun a bunch but don't have one.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2018, 02:57:54 PM »
thanks for telling me what more i need to include. i have edited the profile, and await review

Kingnoname1

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2018, 05:51:17 PM »
In future I'd like you to quote what you've changed if you can.

Most of this is really good, there are a few mistakes so it's worth running this through a spell checking, although there are still a few problems.

If he is rarely going to fight without his armour being weaker without it isn't much of a weakness. Also personality based combat weaknesses always seem a bit weak to me so I'd like two more impactful ones.

I'd also add a cool down to the semblance to prevent Joshua just flickering it on for four seconds.

Also this passage confuses me, 'his helmet is also equipped with a custom targeting system for more precise attacks and to prevent someone sneaking up on him, however, using magnetic objects, or a polarity semblance on his armour disrupts the targeting system and blinds him, forcing him to wait for one minute before he can use the helmet to its full use again.' If you want the helmet to be so powerful you are going to need more detail on where he got it and how exactly it works. Probably more deserving of a section in Weapons rather than appearance.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2018, 07:44:51 AM »
I have added the impact full weaknesses and fixed the issues with the helmet, i have ran it through a spell checker ( the spellings clashed because i live in the UK and google uses US spellings for some reason) and i have added a cool-down for the semblance

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2018, 04:28:02 PM »
Ok probably last two; it's spelt faunus not faunas and we dont have canon characters on the site so that includes adam as well.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2018, 03:58:34 PM »
i've removed Adam from the history and i have changed faunas to faunus, it changed it to faunas in the spell checker

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2018, 05:39:08 PM »
Ok +1. Well done and beat of luck.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2018, 04:14:17 AM »
thank you

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2018, 03:52:51 PM »
First, hello to the RP. My apologies for the delay in the second review, but I'll take care of that:

History:
Seeing that he did not attend any Academy and only did homeschool, a brief explanation on how he got accepted into Beacon Academy would help flesh out your history, which is pretty bare-boned.

Semblance:
This area is EXTREMELY vague and doesn't have much information in regards to the extent of his semblance. A couple things to note:
1. How much is "Substantial"? Please give an example or extent of what this looks like.
2. What are the drawbacks to using his semblance too many times in a row? As it stands, he is able to use it non-stop with only a mere 20 seconds between each interval. There will need to be more of a drawback to using it too many times in a row.

Those are the main concerns I have with your character. Please feel free to PM or message me on Discord if you have any questions.
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2018, 03:38:51 PM »
i have added the brief explanation and i have rewrote my semblance to try and complete the two points you have made on that

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2018, 09:08:10 PM »
I'm not seeing any of the changes you indicated. I also see that the last changes you made to your character was back on May 11th. Did it not save when you did it last?
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #12 on: May 26, 2018, 02:14:17 AM »
I must have forgotten to save, sorry, ill complete the changes again and remember to save next time

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2018, 02:59:13 PM »
I have finished making the changes i said i had made before, and remembered to save this time.

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Re: Joshua Schwarz (Ready for Approval)
« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2018, 10:35:52 PM »
Thank you. Here's my revision:

History:
Against my better judgment and only because you're new to the board, I will say that the history is acceptable, albeit, very bare-boned. Keep in mind that, as you create more characters, we will require more thought to be put into your character's history. My suggestion would be to look over other characters and see what they put to help inspire you to write.

Semblance:
A couple things here still:
1. This is still somewhat vague on how much of an increase it will allow. My biggest concern against this semblance is that there is no limit to how much of an increase, which is a big no-no in my books. If you want to have this semblance, then there will need to be a limit on it, one that is specific to a first year student at Beacon (meaning, the increase cannot be a big amount).
2. There still isn't really any drawbacks to this semblance other than him not having a lot of kinetic energy to use his semblance. This really isn't a drawback as that number can increase dramatically if he was to simply get shot once by a gun or hit by a weapon. For a semblance like this that has a huge potential, I would like to see at least two more weaknesses: one small and one big.
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon