Author Topic: Dawn Mae  (Read 595 times)

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Dawn Mae
« on: July 31, 2018, 03:55:31 PM »
CHARACTER

Name: Dawn Mae

Nickname/Gamername: Zeiis

Age: 18

Species and Gender: Jaguar faunus, female

Symbol: A game achievement trophy

Occupation: Second Year beacon Student, Professional gamer

Appearance:

Voice Reference: Erika Harlacher/Yumeko Jabami (Black haired one)


Dawn is a fair-skinned young girl that stands at 5'11 and 56 kg, has purple eyes and long black hair, worn loose that fades to a purple at the tips. She also has a pair of black jaguar ears, which she doesn’t bother to hide, Identifying her as a Faunus.

Her ordinary clothes contain a black piece of thick fabric over the chest-area which is knotted at the back of the neck, with shoulderless sleeves, that reaches just above the elbows. A longer piece of the same fabric, centrally held together by a buckle in the front, is also wrapped around her waist, reaching in an upside down V shape to the back of the knees. It has her emblem emblazoned on the left hanging loose on her side.

Underneath the chest-covering fabric, she wears an almost stomach-free bright purple top, followed by a black pair of mini-shorts. She wears a pair of black, knee-high boots, with a white bandage wrapped around the right leg, running up to the shorts, and a purple thigh-bag around her left leg.
A black baseball cap, which has two holes for her Faunus ears, completes her outfit.

Her combat gear is comprised with black fingerless gauntlets that reach to her elbows, as well as a black weapon belt above her waist.

History:

Dawn was born into a rich family in Stemswell.
Already at the young age of only four years, her above-average intelligence and her incredibly developed gift to read people made itself noticeable, which even developed further later in life.

For the first years of her life, Dawn followed all the rules and expectations her parents had for her. Make your graduation, become a bank employee or get another well-paid job, marry a rich man and raise your own children with the same, ect. Just like her big sister! Although she never liked it, she followed those expectations, but all that changed when she for the first time entered a game Arcade... And pretty much beat the Highscore in every game. All children, as well as their parents and even the Arcade owner,  were thrilled by the talent of the 7-year-old. Dawn's vision for the future changed for the first time. She didn't want to do the boring stuff her parents imposed on her. She didn't want to become a bank employee and earn a lot of money. Her life should belong to the games!

From then on, she spent day and night in the Arcade, spending her money on the latest games and increasingly retreating to her own little digital world, much to the dissatisfaction of her parents.

There were a lot of arguments and fights. Most of these quarrels, however, ended in Dawn's favor, and the others ended with her father somehow taking away her latest game she bought and smashing it with a baseball bat.

Dawn started to deny her parents more and more and buried herself further on the internet.

The games in which the interaction with other players was necessary, got her the most. She learned how to use her opponent's words against them, and how to convince others to believe in what is wrong. She manipulated them, letting them shovel their own graves while she's leaning back, winning.

This was also very important considering that she actually gained Lien by entering and winning tournaments in all kinds of games. This is also where her Gamer name, Zeiis, rose to the scoreboards. Through this, a lot of other pro gamers noticed her, challenging her, fighting her, as well as a few smaller gaming companies which asked her to try out their games. That was exactly what she wanted. A life as a pro gamer.

The fights stopped as her mother got pregnant a third time. A new child should be born that would follow the instructions of the parents. Not something like the second-born 'useless scum' they sometimes like to call her.

Dawn was 13 when her life changed the second time. With the release of a new game, which she just had to have, she made her way to the Neighboring City to get one. The store in her town didn't have the game in the assortment yet and ordering it online would have taken too long. She wanted that game, and she wanted it now.

Normally, that wouldn’t have been a problem, but this day wasn’t normal, and she noticed that as soon as a couple of beowolves from a nearby forest attacked her. That would undoubtedly have been her last day, were it not for a nameless Huntsmen.

Dawn knew what Huntsmen are, how could it be any different, most of her games had been based on Hunstmen and their adventures, but she never seemed to perceive this as a fitting job for herself. No, she wanted to be a professional beta tester, earn her money in some online events or do something else with video games. But when she saw one of her game scenarios right in front of her, in real life, it clicked in her head. That's it. That's what she wanted to become. Why play a game when you could turn your own life into a game like this? For the first time in her life, Dawn felt stupid. Completely brainless. The answer has always been so close to her and she never noticed it. And she was supposed to be a genius?

The Huntsmen without a name disappeared as soon as the Grimm was defeated and he could be sure that no more would follow. He left. And Dawn couldn’t even say thanks.
This encounter and the idea of becoming a huntress herself never left her mind and as soon as she returned home and turned on her devices, she searched every little bit of information about Huntsmen, their job, their education, everything. Even though she already knew most of it, there were still single things that were unknown to her until that moment.

Her life shifted from playing games, eating and sleeping in front of the console to almost permanent Aura training and joining weapon workshops while squeezing combat lessons in between, and still finding time for her beloved games, which she never could neglect. It was a hard training, but thanks to her above average receptivity and intelligence, she managed to master the basics of everything in a very short time. When she managed to make space in her already full schedule, she got into skateboarding, which not only suited her somewhat rebellious style but was also later shifted into a weapon.

Her parents were still dissatisfied with her life decision. The idea of getting their hands dirty was totally against their imagination, and even though Huntsmen were normally well paid, this did still not seemed to improve their opinion. They had already given up their hope and started on the education of the third child, which, of course, completely obeyed. She could at least be lucky that her parents fed her and gave her money as soon as she asked a couple of times.

When the time came and the Huntsmen Academy, Beacon accepted students again, she enrolled and was invited to the exams, which, to no surprise, she all passed with flying colors.
Dawn was born into a rich family which lived in a large town near Stemswell.
Already at the young age of only four years, her above-average intelligence and her incredibly developed gift to read people made itself noticeable, which even developed further later in life.

Personality:

Dawn has a very.... interesting personality.

She always has been smart and always will be, she got used to being called 'the one with a plan', and will most likely act like this. That by no means says that she never makes a mistake, no, she does, but she's able to hide it up with either smart words or by coming up with another quick plan.

She has a very manipulative and charismatic personality with which she always draws the attention of those around her. She likes to have a group of people around her, but not a huge crowd of more than thirty people.

She has a 'Let's break some rules' philosophy and often acts rebellious to higher-ups, often using her ability to read people to play off their words against themselves.

Amongst those whom she refers to as 'friends' or plans to in the future,  she is usually a little more reticent, this is because she wants to know them better and knows how to use them for her benefits. While this sounds very selfish, she would never put her 'friends' in harm's way without being sure of a way out. The emphasis here is on the fact that she's not afraid to put her friends in danger, as long as she has a plan to escape, though, what seems clear to her, may not be obvious for her friends.

With a personality that doesn’t hold back from saying her mind, even if it is very inappropriate, she also goes into battle. She speaks in a condescending manner to those she fights against, especially after she found a way to win.

Aura and Semblance:

Dawns Aura has a purple colored shade.

Dawn's semblance allows her to gain information about every person and object she touches.

This information can be anything from their aura level over their semblance to parts of their personality. The things she can't find out this way are memory-based information, like their background story or relationships.
For objects, she can find out the exact materials they are made of, know their function and the basics about how to use them.

However, this semblance requires, as mentioned above, that Dawn has to touch the required person or object. But this isn't your ordinary 'tag you're it'-touch thing. The touch has to be at least Three seconds long for her to know her opponent's Aura level. Knowing parts of their semblance takes fifteen seconds, and to know fragments of their personality can take half a minute.
A simple handshake won't always be enough though to get all the information she needs, and just as mentioned above, she can only find out parts or fragments about her opponent's abilities.

Combat Behavior:

Dawn's fighting style mainly builds on her manipulative and observational skills.

She's intelligent and a great strategist, having no problem to come up with a good plan. After looking at her opponent's moves and patterns for a couple of turns, she can guess their ability and limits. The keyword here is 'guess', not know.
She also has no problems with giving orders, only with taking them.

She is very agile, has no problem with risky evasive maneuvers, but she lacks endurance. Although she usually has a good overview of it, she nevertheless uses up a large share in fights. Dawn lacks in close combat, especially hand to hand. She's not terrible in it, just worse than the average student of Beacon. She tries to make up for these weaknesses by using the skateboard to help her endurance and the flamethrower in close combat.


WEAPON


Name: Dragons Breath

Primary Form:

DB is a retractable sword whose blade is 80cm long. The 25cm long handle is rather edgy with slight roundings at the corners and consists of a light metal. On the blade opposite side is a Reclosable opening, in which a Dust canister can be inserted. The sword blade is divided into several plates and is reminiscent of a Carpet knife.

Not only is this weapon good as a sword for the offense, but also has a self-protective mechanism for the defense. The handle of the sword can release a slightly modified form of hydrogen with the push of a button. The adjacent button generates a spark, which sets the gas off.

In his 'standby mode,' the blade is retracted and placed on a holder attached to the thigh-bag.

Dust Functions:

Through the Reclosable opening in the handle, a canister of Dust can be inserted, which puts the sword in a condition that corresponds the inserted Dust type. With fire dust, the sword goes up in flames, with ice it freezes whatever it hits, and so on.

However, the Dust can also be used for the hydrogen explosion. In addition to the two already mentioned buttons, a third button, which also forms a triangle together with the first two buttons, allows some dust to get released in the hydrogen explosion, which then also has various effects depending on the Dust type.


Name: Phoenix Flame

Primary Form:

PF is a pair of black, fingerless gauntlets with a silvery metal plate attached to the palm of both hands. On both of the gauntlets is a shotgun barrel attached, and a little further down the metal opening of a flamethrower. Both weapon types are activated in a similar way.

The metal plate in the palm has finger sensors built into it and only react when Dawn makes the right kind of 'fist'. If she bales her hand into a fist and spreads her thumb away from the fist itself, the flamethrower activates, which has a range of 75cm per side.

The shotgun will be activated when Dawn puts her thumb on the metal plate and then presses down with the rest of her fingers. One shot is fired per Impuls her fist makes.

Dust Functions:

Although Dawn calls it a 'flamethrower', the flame can be exchanged with almost any kind of dust. For this, she has to insert a cylindrical Dust canister in a built-in holder on the opposite side of the shotgun barrel. Of course, both sides can have a different type of dust, giving her the opportunity to achieve a bigger effect.

History:

As soon as Dawn decided to become a huntress, she participated in every weapon workshop she would find. With her intelligence and knowledge of video game weapons, it wasn’t a tough task to create duplicates of her favorite weapons, in which she builds in her own ideas as well.

Other


Name: Flying Leopard

Flying Leopard is a black skateboard and her loyal companion which she brings along to wherever she goes.

FL has the ability to ride on almost any surface by changing its wheels into an environment-matching counterpart.

For sandy, snowy or watery grounds, the wheels retract completely and makes the skateboard to a normal snowboard. On ice, the wheels change to ice skates.

In order to change the wheels, the Skateboard must be in the air while at the same time pressing one of the three buttons on the skateboards rear.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2018, 02:11:05 AM by DEXES »
Hyperactive weirdo Kisha Miles  - Beacon First Year - Member of team INKK/INK
Dragon tamer Mikado Drak - Beacon First Year - Member of team BSSM/Blossom
Compulsive gamer Dawn Mae - Beacon Second Year - Member of team ----

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Re: Dawn Fecces
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2018, 02:05:12 AM »
So I think it would be best to tidy this up a bit first before going into the review proper. Foremost is the characters last name, Fecces is one letter away from feces an English word meaning ... to put it bluntly, shit. Of course, there is no rule against this but I would strongly recommend changing it.

Another major issue is the semblance, coming very close to a Hammer space semblance which is banned. Simply the ability to carry nearly infinite materials around with you is never possibly going to be balanced.

This will now be your fourth character so we are going to be a bit harsher on things like spelling and grammar so like last time either ask someone outside the site for help or me.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2018, 04:08:58 AM »
Changed the name and let the spell checker run over it again.

I haven't changed the semblance yet, but would it be acceptable if I make the hole carry endless items until it reaches a certain amount of weight, let's say 150kg, about three times Dawn's weight.
I also can make another side effect, by letting Dawn feel the weight of the items in the hole every time she opens it, giving her a headache. That's why she keeps the items in the hole to a minimum.
Hyperactive weirdo Kisha Miles  - Beacon First Year - Member of team INKK/INK
Dragon tamer Mikado Drak - Beacon First Year - Member of team BSSM/Blossom
Compulsive gamer Dawn Mae - Beacon Second Year - Member of team ----

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2018, 05:36:26 AM »
I'll leave the semblance and proper review to the others, however, I quickly want to point out two of my pet peeves.

A panther isn't actually a species of animal, its a collective term for jaguars or leopards and since faunus are based on real species you should probably pick one of those.

And 5'11 at 52kg with any muscle at all would make her anorexic, if that's the plan then you should mention it in the appearance description as most people won't take the time to calculate BMI.

Best of luck!

Diana Farran - Beacon First year - Leader and Medic of team Digital (DGTL)
[color= #839CA5]""[/ color]
Bastet Nin - Haven First year - Blinking Glaive Skirmisher of team Rewind (RWND)
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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2018, 06:57:48 AM »
Along with Vision's points, I'm afraid we are going to come down harder on the semblance. Simply the versatility of the power is too much, carrying even 50kg of dust into battle plus whatever else you are carrying is too much this combined with being able to put other peoples weapons in or even use it as a shield compounds the issue.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2018, 08:12:34 AM »
- Changed panther to jaguar
- Made her a bit heavier
- Changed the semblance
Hyperactive weirdo Kisha Miles  - Beacon First Year - Member of team INKK/INK
Dragon tamer Mikado Drak - Beacon First Year - Member of team BSSM/Blossom
Compulsive gamer Dawn Mae - Beacon Second Year - Member of team ----

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2018, 04:11:15 AM »
OK just to save time I'm going to go roughly over the sheet myself and make some corrections, please read over it yourself in case I misunderstand anything. Sorry if you take offense to this but we have a lot of queries about Kisha in Vytal so we need to make sure everything is clear. Original is here however if you what to check what I've changed.
original: ShowHide
CHARACTER

Name: Dawn Mae

Nickname: Zeiis

Age: 18

Species and Gender: Jaguar faunus, female

Symbol: A game achievement trophy

Occupation: Second Year beacon Student, Professional gamer

Appearance:

Dawn is a fair-skinned young girl that stands at 5'11 and 56 kg, has purple eyes and butt long black hair, worn loose that fades to a purple at the tips. She also has a pair of black jaguar ears, which she doesn’t bother to hide, Identifying her as a Faunus.

Her ordinary clothes contains a black piece of thick fabric over the chest-area which is knotted at the back of the neck, with shoulder-free sleeve, that reaches just above the elbows. A longer piece of the same fabric, centrally hold together by a buckle in the front, is also wrapped around her waist, reaching in an upside down V shape to the back of the kneecaps. It has her emblem emblazoned on the left loose hanging side.

Underneath the chest-covering fabric she wears an almost stomach-free bright purple top, followed by a black pair of mini-shorts. She wears a pair of black, knee-high boots, with a white bandage wrapped around the right leg, running up to the shorts, and a purple thigh-bag around her left leg.
A black baseball cap, which has two holes for her faunus ears, completes her outfit.

Her combat gear is comprised with black fingerless gauntlets that reaches to her elbows, as well as a black weapon belt above her waist.

History:

Dawn was born into a rich family which lived in a large town near Stemswell.
Already at the young age of only four years, her above-average intelligence and her incredibly developed gift to read people made itself noticeable, which even developed further later in life.

For the first years of her life, Dawn followed all the rules and expectations her parents had for her. Make your graduation, become a bank employee or get another well paid job, marry a rich man and raise your own children with the same expiry. Just like her big sister! Although she never liked it, she followed those expectations, but all that changed when she for the first time entered a game Acade... And pretty much beat the Highscore in every game. All children, as well as their parents and even the Acade owner were thrilled by the talent of the 7-year-old. Dawn's vision for the future changed for the first time. She didn't want to do the boring stuff her parents imposed on her. She didn't want to become a bank employee and earn a lot of money. Her life should belong to the games!

From then on, she spent day and night in the Acade, spending her money on the latest games and increasingly retreating to her own little digital world, much to the dissatisfaction of her parents.

There were a lot of arguments and fights. Most of these quarrels, however, ended in Dawn's favor, and the others ended with her father somehow taking away her latest game she bought and smashing it with a baseball bat.

Dawn started to deny her parents more and more and buried herself further in the internet. The fights stopped as her mother got pregnant a third time. A new child should be born that would follow the instructions of the parents. Not something like the second-born 'useless scum' they sometimes like to call her.

Dawn was 13 when her life changed the second time. The Acade had shut down a few years ago, and even though she lived in a big city, there were no stores for video games and related stuff, so every time she needed a new game, she had to wander to the neighboring town. Normally, that wouldn’t have been a problem, but this day wasn’t normal, and she noticed that as soon as a couple of beowolves from a nearby forest attacked her. That would undoubtedly have been her last day, were it nor for a nameless Huntsmen.

Dawn knew what Huntsmen are, how could it be any different, most of her games had been based on Hunstmen and their adventures, but she never seemed to perceive this as a fitting job for herself. No, she wanted to be a professional beta tester, earn her money in some online events or do something else with video games. But when she saw one of her game scenarios right in front of her, in real life, it clicked in her head. That's it. That's what she wanted to become. Hey play a game when you could turn your own life into a game like this? For the first time in her life, Dawn felt stupid. Completely brainless. The answer has always been so close to her and she never noticed it. And she was supposed to be a genius?

The Huntsmen without a name disappeared as soon as the Grimm were defeated and he could be sure that no more would follow. He left. And Dawn couldn’t even say thanks.
This encounter and the idea of becoming a huntress herself never left her mind and as soon as she returned home and turned on her devices, she searched every little bit of information about Huntsmen, their job, their education, everything. Even though she already knew most of it, there were still  single things that were unknown to her until that moment.

Her life shifted from playing games, eating and sleeping in front of the console to almost permanent Aura training and joining weapon workshops while squeezing combat lessons in between, and still finding time for her beloved games, which she never could neglect. It was a hard training, but thanks to her above average receptivity and intelligence, she managed to master the basics of everything in a very short time. When she managed to make space in her already full schedule, she got into skateboarding, which not only suited her somewhat rebellious style, but was also later shifted into a weapon.

Her parents were still dissatisfied with her life decision. The idea of getting their hands dirty was totally against their imagination, and even though Huntsmen were normally well paid, this did still not seemed to improve their opinion. They aühad already given up their hop and started the education of the third child, which, of course, completely obeyed. She could at least be lucky that her parents fed her and gave her money as soon as she asked a couple of times.

When the time came and the Huntsmen  Academy, Beacon accepted students again, she enrolled and was invited to the exams, which, to no surprise, she all passed with flying colors.

Personality:

Dawn has a very.... interesting personality. She was born as an over the top intelligence person, whose IQ surpassed that of all normal human beings. She got used to having always the best plan in all situations and that while always keeping a cool head. Does that make a diva and a smart Aleck? Maybe.

She has a very manipulative and charismatic personality with which she always draws the attention of those around her. She likes to have a group of people around her, but not a huge crowd of more that thirty people.

She has a 'Let's break some rules' philosophy and often acts rebellious to higher-ups, often using her ability to read people to play off their words against themselves.

Amongst those whom she refers to as 'friends' or plans to in the future,  she is usually a little more reticent, this however is because she wants to know them better and knows how to use them for her benefits. While this sounds very selfish, she would never put her 'friends' in harm's way without being sure of a way out. The emphasis here is on the fact that she's not afraid to put her friends in danger, as long as she has a plan to escape, though, what seems clear to her, may be not obvious for the said friends.

With a personality that doesn’t hold back from saying her mind, even if it is very inappropriate, she also goes into battle. She speaks in a condescending manner to those she fights against, especially after she found a way to win.

Aura and Semblance:

Dawns Aura has a purple colored shade.

Dawn's semblance allows her to gain information about every person and object she touches.

This information can be anything from their aura level over their semblance to parts of their personality. The things she can't find out this way are memory-based information, like their background story or relationships.
For objects, she can find out the exact materials they are made of, immediately know their function and how to best use them.

However, this semblance requires, as mentioned above, that Dawn has to touch the required person or object. A simple handshake is enough though to get all the information she needs.

Combat Behavior:

Dawn's fighting style mainly builds on her manipulative and obersing skills.
Her transcendent intelligence gives her the ability to come up with a good plan anytime, anywhere, and that even while keeping a cool head. After only a few moves of her opponent, Dawn can already guess their next action and work on a counter in advance. She also has no problems with giving orders, only with taking them.

She is very agile, has no problem with risky evasive maneuvers, but she lacks endurance. Although she usually has a good overview of it, she nevertheless uses up a large share in fights. Dawn lacks in close combat, especially hand to hand. She's not terrible in it, just worse that the average student of Beacon. She tries to make up for these weaknesses by using the skateboard to help her endurance and the flamethrower in close combat.

Let's continue talking about the weapons. She is very skilled with them and despite their large number, she's still able to wield them all with no difficulty. She knows when and how she has to use which and is definitely a dangerous opponent.

WEAPON


Name: Dragons Breath

Primary Form:

DB is a retractable sword whose blade is 80cm long. The 25cm long handle is rather edgy with slight roundings at the corners and consists of a light metal. On the blade opposite side is a Reclosable opening, in which a Dust canister can be inserted. The sword blade is divided into several plates and is reminiscent of a Carpet knife.

Not only is this weapongood as a sword for the offense, but also has a self-protective mechanism for the defense. The handle of the sword can release a slightly modified form of hydrogen with the push of a button. The adjacent button generates generates a spark, which sets the gas off.

In his 'standby mode' the blade is retracted and placed on a holder attached to the thigh-bag.

Dust Functions:

Through the Reclosable opening in the handle, a canister of Dust can be inserted, which puts the sword in a condition that correspond the inserted Dust type. With fire dust the sword goes up in flames, with ice it freezes whatever it hits, and so on.

However, the Dust can also be used for the hydrogen explosion. In addition to the two already mentioned buttons, a third button, which also forms a triangle together with the first two buttons, allows some dust to get released in the hydrogen explosion, which then also has various effects depending on the Dust type.


Name: Phoenix Flame

Primary Form:

PF is a pair of black, fingerless gauntlets with a silvery metal plate attached to the palm of both hands. On both of the gauntlets is a shotgun barrel attached, and a little further down the metal opening of a flame thrower. Both weapon types are activated in a similar way.

The metal plate in the palm has finger sensors built into it and only react when Dawn makes the right kind of 'fist'. If she bales her hand into a fist and spreads her thumb away from the fist itself, the flamethrower activates, which has a range of 75cm per side.

The shotgun will be activated when Dawn puts her thumb on the metal plate and then presses down with the rest of her fingers. One shot is fired per Impuls her fist makes.

Dust Functions:

Although Dawn calls it a 'flame thrower', the flame can be exchanged with almost any kind of dust. For this she has to insert a cylindrical Dust canister in a built-in holder on the opposite side of the shotgun barrel. Of course, both sides can have a different type of dust, giving her the opportunity to achieve a bigger effect.


Name: Spiders Web

Primary Form:

SW is a grappling hook that has a pistol-like shooting barrel above the grappling hooks barrel. The rope of the grappling hook is 33 feet long and, after being hooked onto an object, it retracts automatically with the press of a button, pulling Dawn along.

The pistol-like shooting barrel doesn’t fire hurtful bullets, but small, homemade white balls called 'Japs'. These balls explode on touch with an object or creature, exploding out a sticky liquid that glues the opponent to the ground or wall. However, these balls are rather small and the adhesive share in the balls is rather small, which is why it is easy to free themselves of them.
These balls are also not very well tolerated by Dust, which is why they immediately lose any effect when coming in contact with them.

The weapon is in its standby mode attached to the belt under her waist-fabric


Name: Serpents poison

Primary Form:

Not only is SP her loyal companion, but can also be used as a weapon.

The skateboard has a round hole at its front end, which looks like a normal light for the dark. Although it can be used as such, the real reason behind the light is a laser. To activate it, you have to pull back the left side of the board, as if you would load a shotgun, and shortly thereafter the hole opens and a laser shoots out.

The speed of the laser is faster that most guns are and after it was fired it is very difficult to avoid the hit. This however is why you have to dodge before that. After the Laser is activated, it takes 1.82 seconds to be charged and fired. During this charging of the laser, a beep-like hissing sound appears.

It is also possible to charge the laser in advance, but that heats the interior of the skateboard and prevents the firing of another laser for 15 minutes (5 posts)

The skateboard had enough energy stored for 5 lasers and a laser is about 2 meters long. 

Secondary Form:

SP also has the ability to ride on almost any surface by changing its wheels into an environment-matching counterpart.

For sandy, snowy or watery grounds, the wheels retract completely and makes the skateboard to a normal snowboard. On ice, the wheels change to ice skates.

In order to change the wheels, the Skateboard must be in the air while at the same time pressing one of the three buttons on the skateboards rear.

Dust Functions:

Non


History:

As soon as Dawn decided to become a huntress, she participated in every weapon workshop she would find. With her intelligence and knowledge of video game weapons, it wasn’t a tough task to create duplicates of her favorite weapons, in which she builds in her own ideas as well.


Well, now that is out of the way we can start the review proper. There are a lot of issues overall with the profile and although none on their own are enough to stop it getting approval together they do add up. If she lives in a large town why is there now games store? Why doesn't she just get them ordered in? When did Dawn learn to be manipulative? All her life she has been surrounded by people hostile to her and so on. Like I said none of these are worth not approving the character it's just a very strange profile now.

The only thing I really want you to change is the skateboards laser. We don't like lasers, they don't work on any real level so can you just change it to 'beam,' it can still be faster than a normal bullet but it obviously can't be as fast as light.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2018, 01:56:38 PM »
No, I'm not offended at all. I'm aware that my English still needs a lot more improvement, so I'm glad for every help I can get.

I've changed laser to beam, and wrote that it runs on energy-Dust to make it relate more to the series

If she lives in a large town why is there now games store? Why doesn't she just get them ordered in?
...With the release of a new game, which she just had to have, she made her way to the Neighboring City to get one. The store in her town didn't have the game in the assortment yet and ordering it online would have taken too long. She wanted that game, and she wanted it now...


When did Dawn learn to be manipulative?

...The games in which the interaction with other players was necessary, got her the most. She learned how to use her opponent's words against them, and how to convince others to believe in what is wrong. She manipulated them, letting them shovel their own graves while she's leaning back, winning...


probably not the best solution, but it's something.


Hyperactive weirdo Kisha Miles  - Beacon First Year - Member of team INKK/INK
Dragon tamer Mikado Drak - Beacon First Year - Member of team BSSM/Blossom
Compulsive gamer Dawn Mae - Beacon Second Year - Member of team ----

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2018, 03:50:13 PM »
Yea I'm OK with this. +1, I actually quite like the justifications.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2018, 01:00:54 AM »
This is your fifth character, I'm going to be more strict with what we allow at this point.

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Nickname: Zeiis
Why?

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Professional gamer
Mentioned nowhere else.

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Dawn was born into a rich family which lived in a large town near Stemswell.
I'm going to ignore the cliche rich family thing. Stemswell is already an average-to-large sized settlement with approximately 0 development or premade info. There's no reason to not use Stemswell instead of some ambiguous "large town" near it when there's nothing that makes the town special on its own.

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Make your graduation, become a bank employee or get another well-paid job, marry a rich man and raise your own children with the same, ect.
These goals make very little sense for growing up in a settlement. A kingdom city? Sure. Settlement? A bank, maybe but there's not going to be well-paying jobs or rich men to marry. Settlements aren't the cities, they aren't living in safety or luxury.

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but all that changed when she for the first time entered a game Acade...
An arcade in some no-name town "near" Stemswell that isn't even on the map? No. A game arcade in Stemswell? I can be persuaded.

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When the time came and the Huntsmen Academy, Beacon accepted students again, she enrolled and was invited to the exams, which, to no surprise, she all passed with flying colors.
Dawn was born into a rich family which lived in a large town near Stemswell.
Already at the young age of only four years, her above-average intelligence and her incredibly developed gift to read people made itself noticeable, which even developed further later in life.
History is repeated.

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Dawn has a very.... interesting personality. She was born as an over the top intelligent person, whose IQ surpassed that of all normal human beings.

Just... no. No, you can't have a character who's IQ surpasses all normal humans and, I assume, faunus. I shouldn't have to, and won't explain why because it should be obvious.

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Aura and Semblance
Oh boy, you're going need to change it again or impose serious limiters.

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This information can be anything from their aura level over their semblance to parts of their personality. The things she can't find out this way are memory-based information, like their background story or relationships.
I'll just put it out there without beating around the bush, this is metagaming. "But I have to touch them!" is far from a drawback, even if the character isn't CCQ oriented. You can learn personality, semblance ability and limits, aura info, fighting style, weaknesses, etc. Not knowing relationships and their history is not a drawback.

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For objects, she can find out the exact materials they are made of, immediately know their function and how to best use them.
This part is fine if you get rid of "how to best use them." A semblance that is essentially a "I win" and "I can use this perfectly" button will never fly.

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Her transcendent intelligence gives her the ability to come up with a good plan anytime, after only a few moves of her opponent Dawn can already guess their next action and work on a counter in advance.
This ties back into the IQ thing, what a shock. No, your character cannot come up with a good plan 100% of the time and be able to always know a few moves ahead of your opponent. I read that as "I can retcon my moves to be with the intention of whatever I want to do to negate what you did because my character already knew what you were going to do" As written this character is literally unbeatable because, even if she doesn't touch you, she's already insanely smarter than you and can't make a bad plan.

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Dawn lacks in close combat, especially hand to hand. She's not terrible in it, just worse than the average student of Beacon.
Well this is a useless weakness since she can just bite the bullet and get close then disengage with little to no issue but now she literally everything about how to fight her opponent. Even stuff about their semblance and aura they might not know! Cool!

[WEAPONS[/quote] A short elemental sword, dual flamethrower/shotgun gloves, pistol that shoots a grappling hook as well as a slur for the Japanese that cause explosion of sticky stuff that acts as basically spiderman webbing, and a laser skateboard. Yeah. No, cut it down. I could go into the specific issues with a few of the individual weapons but cut down the amount first.
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Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
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White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2018, 12:47:49 PM »
Okay, here goes nothing,

Nickname

Gamer names are not much more than nicknames. Didn't thought I had to do this, but I added it for the sake of clarification

Professional gamer not being mentioned anywhere
Well, it is now:

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...This was also very important considering that she actually gained Lien by entering and winning tournaments in all kinds of games. This is also where her Gamer name, Zeiis, rose to the scoreboards. Through this, a lot of other pro gamers noticed her, challenging her, fighting her, as well as a few smaller gaming companies which asked her to try out their games. That was exactly what she wanted. A life as a pro gamer.


Her Hometown

So, I thought I had allready changed it from near stemswell to actually just stemswell, but, apparently... I did not... Well, Changed it now.

History being repeated

Literally no idea how that happend, but I fixed it.

High IQ thing

So, didn’t changed that much. She's still described as smart and being able to come up with a plan, but this should still work.

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She always has been smart and always will be, she got used to be called 'the one with a plan', and will most likely act like this. That by no means says that she never makes a mistake, no, she does, but she's able to hide it up with either smart words or by coming up with another quick plan.

Semblance

Okay, I wrote a bit more about the 'touch drawback'
If this is still too insufficient, I'm going to look for a new semblance.

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...However, this semblance requires, as mentioned above, that Dawn has to touch the required person or object. But this isn't your ordinary 'tag you're it'-touch thing. The touch has to be at least Three seconds long for her to know her opponents Aura level. Knowing parts of their semblance takes fifteen seconds, and to know fragments of their personality can take half a minute.
A simple handshake won't always be enough though to get all the information she needs, and she can only find out parts or fragments about her opponents abilities.

and remove the "how to best use them" to simply:

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For objects, she can find out the exact materials they are made of, know their function and the basics about how to use them.

Combat behavior

Changed it up in a similar way as the personality,

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She's intelligent and a great strategist, having no problem to come up with a good plan. After looking at her opponents moves and patterns for a couple of turns, she can guess their ability and limits. Keyword here is guess, not know.

And her semblance makes up for the 'knowing everything after taking a bullet' part

Weapon

So, I removed the grappling hock and the skateboard laser. I keept the Skateboard though. It's juts not a weapon anymove. Only a way of transportation that she brings along to a fight. But since it doesn’t do demage, it should be okay.

I would really like to keep the sword and flamethrowers, so just tell me what i need to change there and I think we should be okay... Or not, who know.
Hyperactive weirdo Kisha Miles  - Beacon First Year - Member of team INKK/INK
Dragon tamer Mikado Drak - Beacon First Year - Member of team BSSM/Blossom
Compulsive gamer Dawn Mae - Beacon Second Year - Member of team ----

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Re: Dawn Mae
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2018, 12:59:06 PM »
I'm extremely sorry about the late response, everything seems fine now, approved and moved.
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White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
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