A lot of the approval reviews are written in a very similar matter of factly "wrong, wrong, wrong list". Whilst that is very useful and takes less time it can be incredibly discouraging when starting out and is honestly one of my biggest issues with the site, as there are bound to be people who didn't stay due to it.
- Face claim belongs in 1) a spoiler because image 2) the appearance section.
In general people keep images in a spoiler box so that they take up less space, simple formating fix.
- Name doesn't need to be colored, but it's probs fine as-is.
It's true that most profiles use white text for that, however several profiles do use color (including my own) and it did not get commented on there. Considering the emphasis on color in the RWBYverse I personally like seeing the color earlier than the aura section.
- Add a birth date to the age, please. Doesn't necessarily need a year, but at least a day and month, I believe.
This is a minor point from the character template guide that you missed and I forgot honestly, use the months from it rather than our "normal" ones.
Age:
Your character’s current age. We use alternate names for the months of the year, and have a customized timeline.
- January - Niege, French for Snow
- February - Amare, Italian for Love
- March - Klever, Russian for Clover
- April - Arashi, Japanese for Storm
- May - Huā, Chinese for Flower
- June - Saule, Lithuanian for Sun
- July - Hitahita, Maori for Impetuous
- August - Tulikuuma, Finnish for Scalding
- September - Machlud, Welsh of Sunset
- October - Zinnober, German for cinnabar
- November -Saaral, Mongolian for Grey
- December - Frost, English for Frost
Overview of World History timeline.[Note: Timeline is WIP, these historical dates may change, but the current year should not.]
2 AC - End of the Greyed War(War on color, etc)
40-43 AC - Faunus Civil War
80 AC - Age of Color, Present Day, Day 1 Year 1, etc
So Zinnober instead of October and year 62 (Year doesn't matter much)
- Affiliation is thoroughly superfluous.
Affiliation is important for a lot of other character systems, however in RWBY it's so closely tied to the school that it doesn't matter much. So you can just drop that.
- That's (5'2").
- What does the necklace even look like?
- Where is the dove located on the hoodie?
- Subject to change? I hope that's only for WiP, unless you elaborate on that.
- No other sets of clothing? Formal, uniform, etc.? Just asking, I'm not sure if it's even necessary.
Extra details are always good to see, again it's all about painting a picture for everyone else. And yeah all the more 'meta' comments about WiP and such will have to be removed before going into the approval thread (but perfectly fine here).
As for clothing typically two sets are fine, the standard uniform and the main outfit. You have your main outfit but for uniform consider the minor variations, so socks and shoes typically for women (Though can be more such as Ruby with her cape). As well as more general how is it worn, ironed/pressed for full proper or more wrinkly or sloppy. Does she wear the uniform often or get out of it as soon as possible, etc.
http://i.imgur.com/xtBBogA.jpgIn regards to formal clothes, you can have that but the majority of profiles don't. In the cases of more formal threads like the ball one, you can simply include a description of apparel when coming in.
- Scratch the abnormal part. That edges into world build territory, nearly. You can replace it with whatever you want, as long as it's something encountered somewhere else in the world.
- What she was destined to be? Sounds a bit corny, but whatevs. Is fine.
- Enchanment is magic, and magic is supposed to be super flipping secret and rare. Besides, it's not like there aren't any treatments for preserving flowers IRL.
- Scratch legendary. That's, again, another thing edging into world build territory.
- Wait, were her aunt and uncle giving her supplementary lessons along with the normal training in Combat School? If so, what exactly is their profession? Also, most of what you mention could be considered par for the course in a combat school, depending on the student.
- Six years of training? So she, what, spent 2 extra years in combat school? And for what reason, exactly?
Honestly reviewing story aspects are things I'm bad at and all of these points are good and you should address them. (Did she go to a combat school in addition or just with her family? And is that why it took longer than normal)
- 'Mysterious' Please. No. That's not a personality trait. Withheld, shy, something else. Not mysterious.
- Why did her mother's demise affect her in such a way? Oh, wait, it's mentioned after. Maybe switch that order up. 'Hence' is used the wrong way around.
Mysterious isn't really a good description and yeah fixing the order of information is important, make sure each part builds on what was said before.
- Why does she lie about her past? Wouldn't not wanting to talk about it, or ignoring questions, make more sense?
Lying does actually make a lot of sense as avoiding questions will typically just lead to more questions, but a simple lie can tie everything up nice and tidy (Also informs us that she isn't above lying).
- Kind of repeating yourself there on the 'not opening to people quickly'.
- Likes, dislikes, hates and hobbies don't usually get their own sub-sections and are normally written as a seamless description, but it's fine. At least delete hates if not used.
- How does she do in school, academics and combat included?
Don't have much to say here either, likes and dislikes aren't normally done like that but that doesn't mean it can't be done like that. And important to address how she does at school.
- 'severe WiP' :|
- 'basic aspects of the weather' No. Make it only one aspect, and rather limited at that. As in, local, not extended.
Your charcter is getting closer to review and now you do have to make a choice about the semblance, again key point is that it's better for it to focus on one thing. For semblances that do more you will have to make an explanation as to how several traits are derived from one ability. I've done this with Diana ( her semblance lets her combine her aura with someone else, that can be used in different ways) however its important to then make it clear what the weaknesses are (and if you have a particularly strong semblance you'll need to be weaker in general combat, as you spend more time training semblance.)
- Repeating yourself on the backup thing.
- Aura being under average in durability should probably go in the Aura and Semblance section.
Aura level should be in the aura section, but should also be commented on in combat behavior as it will affect how she fights. Think of it like you're creating the point in the aura section, and showing us the implication in combat behavior.
- Suggest changing to 'Jasminae'. Looks better, flows better, highly similar.
- Think you meant whir, there. Weir is in Stargate Atlantis.
- So the leather sheet is usually not found on Jasmine's person, correct?
Again simple points that you should address.
- Be more detailed in the transformation, please. At the moment, it more or less sounds like 'magic happens and this becomes that'.
Because the transformations in the show are so realistic.
Joking aside more details are always nice, though this can be hard to address in words (Is it the metal on the outside that becomes the blade etc?) so simple boxed sketches can help a lot. (simple example
http://i.imgur.com/Oe2ejZr.png )
- How many bolts does she carry around? How big a punch does it pack?
- Do the Dust functions now, if you wanna do any.
- 'almost unbreakable' No. Not the way you explain it. Very durable, sure. Extremely, still okay.
- It can be very difficult to replicate, but not impossible. General rule is that if Atlas can't do it, neither can you.
The bolt capacity and basic idea of strength are some of those things that the approval reviewers will get hung up on so it needs to be written somewhere, and again your character is getting closer to done so you need to add the dust stuff now.
Alright, so that should be it. That I could find. Keep in mind, some of these are just nitpicking and probably don't require changing (I even sort of specified which ones).
Again there are a lot of important things to address here, and a lot of basic formatting fixes. In particular, these are things that the approval reviewers will pick up on. In reality the only things that will need some proper work are the semblance and parts of the backstory, you're making good progress! Nathan has raised a lot of very good points that are important for you to address however this doesn't make your OC bad, just not done yet.
EDIT: A more meta focused point you unless you're addressing something specific theres no need to quote the enitre last reply. Can take up a lot of space in that format.
Poll
Topic: Jasmine Levesque. (Feedback appreciated! Updating accordingly~) (Read 29649 times)