Author Topic: Rouge Drake  (Read 742 times)

the black swordsman

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Rouge Drake
« on: December 26, 2016, 05:18:43 AM »
CHARACTER

Name: rouge drake "the black warrior"

Age: 17

Species and Gender: faunus, male

Symbol:  a trex skull with a greatsword and battle axe

Occupation: ranger

Appearance: pale skin, green eyes, black hair with a green strip through it his hair comes down over one eye, he wears a long green and black coat (much like kiritos from SAO) he has fingerless leather gloves and sholder, elbow and knee pads, he wears motorbike googles and green and black sneakers black jeans and a green shirt, he has a dragons tail and a burn on his right arm, his wears a black bandanna over his mouth much like cowboys in old western movies

History: dragonis does not remember his past as he suffered memory loss after falling 50 feet on to a large bolder

Personality: mostly mute only saying very few words, he is easily angered and very protective

Aura and Semblance: his semblence allows him totake the form of a were-dragon, a regular dragon and a kaprosuchus

Combat Behavior:  moving as quickly as possible to confuse his enemies after the either lose sight of him or get dizzy he attacks, when his is angered he changes from his usual technique to a technique where he just hits them till they die

WEAPON

Name: nights grudge

Primary Form: a large double sided battle axe

Secondary Form: a large greatsword

Tertiary Form: two double barrel shotguns

Dust Functions: fire and earth

History: nights grudge was found by rouge deep within a cave rouge is not sure how it got there but its helped him get outta many stick situations and he is greatfull
« Last Edit: December 27, 2016, 03:04:08 AM by FunkyMonkey »

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Re: Rouge Drake
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2016, 01:32:16 PM »
Alright my guy, we have a lot to discuss here, so I'd rather not occupy your time with opening statements.

Name: Starting with the Name section, you gave him the title of "the black warrior". While just sounding...rather bland in itself, you also gave no indication of why he would be called that. Neither in his History, his Personality, etc. Nobody knows who he is, and he's not a celebrity to the point where strangers would whisper about "the black warrior". Remember, if you're going to give him a title, make sure it's justified. I'll quote the rules as a reference for you.

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Aliases and Titles: Consider giving your character an alias or title very carefully. If they have one, you need to explain who calls you that, and why they call you that. Or perhaps it is a self-imposed title. If your character is called “The Black Knight” for no reason other than to be cool, dark and/or edgy, you don’t get to have that title on your profile.

Age: Feel free to add in a specific date of birth if you'd like.

Species and Gender: You have to indicate what type of Faunus you're going for. Although, I do kind of get that you want him to be a "dragon Faunus". Mythical Faunus are not allowed, just for reference.

Quote
Prohibited Base Animal Types: Arthropods, Molluscs, Aquatic, Amphibian, Dinosaurs(Along with anything extinct for more than 200 years), Mythological creatures

Symbol: For the symbol, please just change "trex" to T-rex" to prevent some confusion.

Occupation: For the occupation, please clarify what you mean by "ranger". It can be interpreted to be a few things as it is.

Appearance: Continuing on to the appearance, mythical Faunus aren't allowed as aforementioned. Everything is fine except for the dragon tail.

History: I really hate to be blunt, but I'd rather not make a bunch of redundant points. This is the worst type of history, purely because you use amnesia as an excuse to not explain anything at all. You stated one event in his life, and that's not what a history is there to do. I get that you're trying to be mysterious, but you needn't be mysterious in the profile. People aren't going to read his profile and meta-game knowledge into their character's minds. Give us what happened in his childhood before his schooling days (if he's a student, which there's no indication of so I can assume no), important events in his life, etc. But please get rid of the amnesia and write an actual history. Right now it just seems like a lazy excuse for a history. Again, sorry to be so blunt, but I think it's necessary to get the point across that it needs to really be thought out.

Personality: This also does not give anybody reading the profile adequate information in regards to his personality. Here again, I understand you're going for the whole "mysterious" facade, and this isn't the place for that. Give us insight into his mannerisms, things he'd do. I'm also able to glean very little information from what you did give. Please go more in depth about these things. For instance, why is he so protective? What is he easily angered by? Because from what I understand right now, is that he's an easily angered quiet guy who is protective of ___.

Aura and Semblance: Look, I understand you want a cool semblance. Many do, but this is just taking it a bit too far. First of all, this has nothing to do with aura. He's changing his physical form into that of a "were-dragon" and a "kaprosuchus", both of which easily fall under the category of "Obviously Overpowered Abilities" in the rules. You also did not give any setbacks this ability has on him, but just simply stated that he can transform.

Combat Behavior: Okay, he's a swift attacker who likes to confuse his enemies, that's fine. But with the combination of weapons you gave him, that makes it extremely difficult when you have skinny girls with bows running around who can do the same thing 10x better. I'd suggest giving him a fighting style attuned to his weapons. Moving on to the second part of this, this second technique isn't really a...technique at all. It's actually the exact opposite, as he's resorting to animalistic instincts and is just hitting shit with no planning or training needed for this.

Weapon Please try and go more in depth here. You're just stating forms and not even describing appearance, proportions, how they transform, etc. All of this should be present for any named weapon, and even for unnamed ones as well. Again, there's no need to be mysterious about any of this.

Dust Functions: Try and explain what each dust type does, exactly. The section is titled Dust "Functions", after all.

History: While I understand it's only a weapon history, please try and put some more into it. A simple "he found it and is grateful that he did" just seems like minimal effort was put into it.

To put it simply, this profile will require a lot of effort if you're up for it. If you have ANY questions, you can feel free to discuss them with me through PMs or on our IRC channel. We'r not just here to be the mean bouncers who let people in and keep them out. We're also here to help you through the process if you need it.
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Re: Rouge Drake
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2017, 03:37:19 PM »
Moving to MIA
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