Author Topic: Redacted  (Read 880 times)

Inexhaustive

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Redacted
« on: June 17, 2018, 04:59:08 PM »
Redacted
« Last Edit: January 21, 2019, 01:15:45 AM by Inexhaustive »
Explorer / Beacon First Year / Enigmatic Aimbot of Team CASA (Casanova): Amane Petrichor - "Win your battles before they're fought."

If I ever think about making more than one character, I'd appreciate it if you quelled such a thought.

Kingnoname1

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2018, 02:04:29 AM »
Very good job on this one it seems to have come together nicely although we do still expect weakness even with huntress or nigh-huntress level characters like this one. Other than that I do have a bit of an issue around the 'anatomy and kinesiology' thing as; as far as we know grimm don't really have anatomy as we would understand it and with human/faunus opponents aura kinda nullifies the fighting style until the fight is basically over. You can keep it in of course I just don't think it will be that impactful.
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Inexhaustive

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2018, 08:56:37 PM »
Added a weakness that she has below average durability. Also added a mini-weakness that she doesn't fight at full potential without Khan.

Good point. Removed the anatomy part.
Explorer / Beacon First Year / Enigmatic Aimbot of Team CASA (Casanova): Amane Petrichor - "Win your battles before they're fought."

If I ever think about making more than one character, I'd appreciate it if you quelled such a thought.

Kingnoname1

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2018, 01:05:37 AM »
So I do want the flawed approach weakness where Akane can be knock out of her semblance or replaced with another.

I would also recommend watching the Pankration finals on youtube, it isn't a fighting style it's a sport. Likely what you mean is that Akane fights with very little runs so it is probably best just to say that.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

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Inexhaustive

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2018, 01:27:12 AM »
Noted that she can be knocked out of her semblance form under semblance section.

Yes, Pankration is a sport in real life but it still has methods that can be applied to combat such as by ancient Greek soldiers like the Spartans. Also, in mythology it is said that Theseus used it against the Minotaur and Heracles used it to subdue the Nemean Lion. Because of this it also adds aesthetic effect to the character. She's like a ronin with some greek hero mixed in.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2018, 01:40:07 AM by Inexhaustive »
Explorer / Beacon First Year / Enigmatic Aimbot of Team CASA (Casanova): Amane Petrichor - "Win your battles before they're fought."

If I ever think about making more than one character, I'd appreciate it if you quelled such a thought.

Kingnoname1

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2018, 01:55:26 AM »
Issues with word choice aside it seems perfectly acceptable.

+1
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

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Janus Rogo

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2018, 07:03:04 PM »
This character needs more work to her. She's a dropout with excessively high levels of skill in every area related to being a Huntress. Maybe her history could offset the lack of education, but you mention only that she was taught Doctory/Massage stuff growing up. Said parents being skilled enough to train her in Aura techniques suitable for a combat academy needs to be explained, since right now it seems way out of place. "She does whatever she wants" is not a good profession. Maybe expand on that as well, especially if she intends to continue eating large meals. Personality is nonsensical to me, having a calm, focused, but rebellious, spunky meditative  glutton seems to be a bit unfocused, however I'll defer to my peers in that aspect. Can she aim in Supercell form?

Combat behavior is all over the place as well. The whole first paragraph and about half the second is a bitch to make sense of for no reason. It basically says "She's very focused and very swordy", near as I can tell. Shit doesn't need to read like a college thesis.

To your credit, I have nothing to say about the weaponry chosen. Fairly unremarkable, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Biggest issues I'm seeing, to sum up, are the skill level not reflecting her upbringing and dropout status, her combat behavior is excessively wordy and lacking weaknesses for a half-trained Huntress, and I'd like some.more info on the Frostbite, or to see it replaced with something known to us. Also the parts of the history where "the Kingdoms didn't know what to do" so they rely on a couple dropouts aggravates me. I'll look at that next time if it hasn't changed.

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2018, 07:48:01 PM »
Due to CTQ stuff, I'm taking over this review. This does not mean Janus' points are irrelevant, take his points into account when viewing mine.

REQUIRED

More details on frostbite, either in profile or not. You can toss in minor Grimm in histories as a little flavor of the location, but considering this is a unique boss Grimm it needs info, even if it's dead

Add more weaknesses, as far as I can tell her only weaknesses are being light weight and not durable.




REQUESTED

Simplify occupation/give better descriptor - a good descriptor immediately gives the reader and idea of what the character does. “She does what she wants” leaves the reader only knowing what's said, they don't know what that actually entails or what she wants.

Appearance could use some expansion, a picture isn't an excuse to skimp on descriptor - this is a writing site, you should use as many opportunities as you can to flex your writing muscles

Reword or redo the “a highly precise control over her aura before schooling even started” bit to better reflect the skill level of what was most likely a 13-14 year old - while an early start and parents already highly skilled in aura use are undoubtedly an incredible boon, I'm hesitant to think one could learn highly precise control in a year of unlocking their aura. More advanced control than others her age? Sure. Highly precise? Ehhh

Reword or redo the “Nazar was the first to go, having been invited into a special training program with the Kingdoms to combat rogue huntsmen/huntresses” bit to either specify it was not the Inquisition and why or have it be a non-Inquisition group and why - since the Inquisition requires a Hunter License, he would not be allowed to join them. That said, the Inquisition is often tied in laws and regulations to the point where they can't set foot on Atlesian soil. It's not beyond the realm of believability to say there a non-official group taking care of business that the Inquisition can't or won't.

Reword or redo the “Akane is also an excellent teacher, being able to spot the flaws in anyone’s fighting style and giving suggestions on how they can develop effective ways to rectify them.” bit - while the trait itself is fine, it has no basis in the history, while she worked together with Khan, the only mention of teaching is tutoring underclassmen with no explanation of how she learned or came to the point where she gained this trait.

Fix “However, Akane is able to enter supercell form, where she stays in one spot and rotates the cloud around her at high speeds until it generates powerful enough bolts of electricity. She is able to continuously spin up, collecting more blood and electricity and rotational speed before blasting it all outwards to knock back and electrocute enemies. However, due to the exponentially increasing cost of her semblance, it exhausts her quite a bit.”- as discussed in CTQ, it will require lightning dust.
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Dr. Gustave

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Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2018, 06:45:03 PM »
Moving to MIA
Atlas: ShowHide
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Mistral: ShowHide
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Vacuo: ShowHide
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Vale: ShowHide
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C