Author Topic: Akane Tozawa  (Read 704 times)

Inexhaustive

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 196
  • Karma:
    +11/-1
    • View Profile
Akane Tozawa
« on: June 17, 2018, 04:59:08 PM »
CHARACTER

Name: Akane Tozawa

Battle Theme: Excision & Space Laces - Rumble
Battle Mix: Excision - Lost Lands Mix 2017

Age: 23, born the 23rd of Machlud/September

Species and Gender: Human Female

Occupation: Self-Employed

Symbol:


Appearance: Akane is a Mistralian woman with fair skin, red hair tied to one side with a red ribbon, and blood red eyes. She usually wears a white button-up shirt with a black tie clipped to it and a casually worn rust-colored cotton blazer over. She also wears dark grey trousers, black converse sneakers, a red scarf, and an expensive watch.

Appearance: ShowHide

Watch: ShowHide


History: Akane was born in a small village north of Mistral to two humble, but highly skilled professionals. Her mother was a physician with an expertise in giving checkups to huntsmen and huntresses while her father was a masseuse and acupuncturist who used aura techniques passed down through his family for generations. While they were eager for their daughter to inherit their techniques, they didn’t rush to teach her when she was little, knowing that forcing her to do something this difficult will more than likely deter her from wanting to learn in the future.

As Akane’s early years passed, she would meet many people who came to her parents’ establishment, the huntsmen and huntresses especially catching her interest. It was after she was inspired by their tales of heroism, adventure, and especially their freedom to travel the world, that she finally asked her parents to not only unlock her aura, but also enroll her in Sanctum Academy the next year when she was old enough. Her parents agreed, on the condition that she would study and inherit their techniques which she was happy to agree on.

The year before she went to Sanctum was an important time for her, because not only did she develop a highly precise control over her aura before schooling even started, she also met Yabash Khan, a child who was abused by his parents and bullied by others for his mental handicap, unusually large size, and faunus traits. Finding him bruised up in an alleyway one day, Akane brought him to her home, where her parents treated his injuries and fed him. However, they couldn’t do much about Khan’s parents due to lack of solid proof. Unable to simply stand by and do nothing though, Akane activated his aura so he can cope with their beatings easier. From that day on, Akane would always be there for him, defending him and teaching him to be strong. She also started calling him Matir Khan, a name that denotes courage and bravery instead of Yabash Khan, a name denoting defeat.

When time came for Akane to go to Sanctum, her parents also pulled a few strings with some of the huntsmen that came around and got Matir Khan in under that name too. The two, being practically inseparable, had all their classes together due to her ability to supervise and understand Matir Khan. They developed excellent synergy and teamwork throughout the years at Sanctum, but both never discovered their semblances until they went to Haven. While Matir Khan discovered his while wrestling a Beringel during the initiation of team ETKN (Extinction), Akane randomly discovered hers two weeks later while meditating during a thunderstorm. True to their name, ETKN brought an apocalypse with them onto the battlefield, with all four members capable of dealing huge amounts of crowd damage perfectly timed with each other. They were a very diverse group, with their leader Eleanor loving everyone and everything, Akane always doing whatever she wants, Matir Khan being mentally handicapped, and Nazar being a high-functioning sociopath. Despite this, Eleanor was an phenomenal leader who constantly pushed them to develop yet was always able to keep them together and well.

Nazar was the first to go, having been invited into a special training program with the Kingdoms to combat rogue huntsmen/huntresses at the start of the year. Akane, on the other hand, was utterly bored with school, feeling that she was more than ready and didn’t want to go through another two whole years. This went on for another half year as she continued to tutor underclassmen when eventually one of them, an ex-member of the White Fang came to her for help. His sister was taken and held hostage by the group to get him to turn himself in. He had nobody to go to, so Akane left to go help him out, wanting some self-justification to leave school. Matir Khan followed without a second thought - where Akane went, he went too.

After helping him out, she didn’t want to go back to the academy because she enjoyed the complete freedom from traveling the world and doing whatever she wanted. Completing various jobs for people all over the world and earning a name for herself, Akane ended up in Vale as Amane Petrichor’s sensei, teaching the latter aura detection along with various other things like the mentality of a veteran, staying calm under pressure, shuriken throwing, and most of all, a mindset on how to practice, train, and learn effectively. This went on for two years until Amane graduated from Signal and began going on missions.

A while later, when the Shiru attacked Vacuo, another Grimm attack happened near Mistral where Akane was. As all the huntsman were focused on the Shiru, the kingdoms didn’t know what to do until her and Matir Khan stepped in. Amane also happened to be doing business with Akane’s mother and provides them with long-range support. Together, they went from village to village fending off the Grimm attacks and slaying the Frostbite, a unique boss Grimm in the form of a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a freezing breath that woke up from a deep slumber in Northern Mistral. This put Akane and Khan in good standing with the people and the kingdoms while Amane disappeared off, having finished with her business.

Currently, Akane still lives her life doing whatever she wants as a wandering swordsman not tied down by material possessions or ambitions except to eat a good meal everyday and to keep becoming stronger. She also occasionally gives Amane some advice and training whenever she's around.

Personality: Akane is very calm and collected yet at the same time, spunky, completely self-confident, and possesses a rebellious side. A free spirit, she does whatever she wants, goes wherever she wants to go, and isn’t afraid to break a few laws as long as it doesn’t do harm to others. Despite this, she abstains from sex and drugs except for caffeine and occasionally expensive alcohol.

She’s very well-versed in the subjects of advanced anatomy, kinesiology, and aura, having grown up inheriting all her family’s techniques and gives massages to people from time to time. Akane is also an excellent teacher, being able to spot the flaws in anyone’s fighting style and giving suggestions on how they can develop effective ways to rectify them. She has quite a few unorthodox yet highly effective teaching methods up her sleeve, being someone who doesn’t just teach people what to learn, but also how to learn and practice efficiently. While she provides excellent hospitality to her students, she never goes easy on them when training them.

Finally, Akane is someone who eats a ton of food, despite her small stature. Big, giant Matir Khan already eats a lot, so people get shocked when Akane somehow eats even more than him. She does care what she eats though, and holds meals to a high standard.

Aura and Semblance: Aura Color: Blood Red | Abilities: Strength, Shield, Blast, Detection
Semblance: Bloodstorm - Akane’s semblance allows her to shift into a particulate storm cloud made of blood that can freely zip around along any solid or liquid surface, even vertical and upside down surfaces. The cloud gathers and condenses moisture around her, using a process similar to aura healing to convert it to blood. If the moisture picked up is already blood, nothing is converted and cost is reduced.

In this form, Akane is still particulate and can be struck by attacks. She can also get knocked out of her semblance form in which the gathered blood will burst out around her. The longer she utilizes this ability, the more draining it gets, exhausting exponentially. Prolonged use also consumes nutrients from her body and will make her very hungry. As such, it is mostly used in short bursts. If she uses her semblance in midair, she will automatically gravitate towards the nearest travelable surface before being able to control where she goes.

While her semblance has a few arcs of red electricity surging through it, they don’t have any significant effect except for making hair stand up and smelling like ozone. However, Akane is able to enter supercell form, where she stays in one spot and rotates the cloud around her at high speeds until it generates powerful enough bolts of electricity. She is able to continuously spin up, collecting more blood and electricity and rotational speed before blasting it all outwards to knock back and electrocute enemies. However, due to the exponentially increasing cost of her semblance, it exhausts her quite a bit.

Dust can be used to lessen the cost or amplify various factors of Akane's semblance such as using lightning Dust to generate more lightning and electrocute enemies during travel, wind and kinetic Dust to increase speed, and water and earth Dust to increase the blood created or lessen the cost.

Appearance: ShowHide

Combat Behavior: In combat, while Akane is completely confident in herself and her abilities, she always respects her opponent and starts off fighting at full power. As someone who meditates frequently to develop a clear mind and higher level of control over their consciousness, she is able to focus on the task at hand extremely well and let go of any unnecessary thoughts.

As for physical abilities, Akane is someone who specializes greatly in movement speed and damage output but is a bit lightweight and under average in terms of durability. She utilizes instantaneous bursts of strength from her aura, perfectly perpendicular edge alignment, blindingly fast attack speeds, and a long nodachi blade to become a great destructive force on the battlefield. She is also able to integrate her concealed knives into her flowing movements with a high level of secrecy and sleight of hand, slipping them into unsuspecting enemies who are too focused on the big sword and reconcealing it without them knowing what they were stabbed by. Finally, Akane is highly skilled in Jiu Jitsu and Pankration.

Akane's fighting style is greatly integrated with Matir Khan's, both able to output a ton of crowd-control damage and compensating for each others' weaknesses. She uses Khan to output a ton of damage, disrupt enemy movements, or to act as a shield, while Khan relies on her to follow up on his attacks or to take out faster, smarter enemies that may be flanking him. Akane is also really good at knocking enemies into Khan’s eruptions and does so automatically. However, Akane is also semi-reliant on being able to use Khan to her advantage and most of her fighting is done with him so she doesn't fight at full potential while alone.

WEAPON

Primary Weapon: A nodachi made of highly durable materials. Cherry blossom designs run along the flat of its 140cm blade and its handle is 40cm long with a grey cross wrap. It is carried in a sheath diagonally across Akane back, which can automatically unfold most of the protective covering and allow for easier drawing of the blade.

Dust Functions: The cherry blossom designs going along the flat of the blade are Dust channels with an open port at the center of each flower. It contains a mixture of kinetic, lightning, and air Dust that allows her to send out large ranged energy slashes through the air. If cuts aren’t enough to slay a Grimm, Akane can also activate the Dust to create a energy extension on her blade that vacuums the insides out of anything she slices through.

Concealed Carry: Akane also carries various concealed knives on herself and can throw them as shurikens.
« Last Edit: July 03, 2018, 05:43:38 AM by Inexhaustive »
Explorer / Beacon First Year / Enigmatic Aimbot of Team CASA (Casanova): Amane Petrichor - "Win your battles before they're fought."

Kingnoname1

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 921
  • Karma:
    +70/-1
  • Personal Text
    Here to chat, always.
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2018, 02:04:29 AM »
Very good job on this one it seems to have come together nicely although we do still expect weakness even with huntress or nigh-huntress level characters like this one. Other than that I do have a bit of an issue around the 'anatomy and kinesiology' thing as; as far as we know grimm don't really have anatomy as we would understand it and with human/faunus opponents aura kinda nullifies the fighting style until the fight is basically over. You can keep it in of course I just don't think it will be that impactful.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Inexhaustive

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 196
  • Karma:
    +11/-1
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2018, 08:56:37 PM »
Added a weakness that she has below average durability. Also added a mini-weakness that she doesn't fight at full potential without Khan.

Good point. Removed the anatomy part.
Explorer / Beacon First Year / Enigmatic Aimbot of Team CASA (Casanova): Amane Petrichor - "Win your battles before they're fought."

Kingnoname1

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 921
  • Karma:
    +70/-1
  • Personal Text
    Here to chat, always.
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2018, 01:05:37 AM »
So I do want the flawed approach weakness where Akane can be knock out of her semblance or replaced with another.

I would also recommend watching the Pankration finals on youtube, it isn't a fighting style it's a sport. Likely what you mean is that Akane fights with very little runs so it is probably best just to say that.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Inexhaustive

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 196
  • Karma:
    +11/-1
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2018, 01:27:12 AM »
Noted that she can be knocked out of her semblance form under semblance section.

Yes, Pankration is a sport in real life but it still has methods that can be applied to combat such as by ancient Greek soldiers like the Spartans. Also, in mythology it is said that Theseus used it against the Minotaur and Heracles used it to subdue the Nemean Lion. Because of this it also adds aesthetic effect to the character. She's like a ronin with some greek hero mixed in.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2018, 01:40:07 AM by Inexhaustive »
Explorer / Beacon First Year / Enigmatic Aimbot of Team CASA (Casanova): Amane Petrichor - "Win your battles before they're fought."

Kingnoname1

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 921
  • Karma:
    +70/-1
  • Personal Text
    Here to chat, always.
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2018, 01:55:26 AM »
Issues with word choice aside it seems perfectly acceptable.

+1
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Janus Rogo

  • Global Moderator
  • Been Around

  • Offline
  • ****
  • Senior Staff

  • 73
  • Karma:
    +15/-4
  • Personal Text
    Corporal Moneybags to you
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2018, 07:03:04 PM »
This character needs more work to her. She's a dropout with excessively high levels of skill in every area related to being a Huntress. Maybe her history could offset the lack of education, but you mention only that she was taught Doctory/Massage stuff growing up. Said parents being skilled enough to train her in Aura techniques suitable for a combat academy needs to be explained, since right now it seems way out of place. "She does whatever she wants" is not a good profession. Maybe expand on that as well, especially if she intends to continue eating large meals. Personality is nonsensical to me, having a calm, focused, but rebellious, spunky meditative  glutton seems to be a bit unfocused, however I'll defer to my peers in that aspect. Can she aim in Supercell form?

Combat behavior is all over the place as well. The whole first paragraph and about half the second is a bitch to make sense of for no reason. It basically says "She's very focused and very swordy", near as I can tell. Shit doesn't need to read like a college thesis.

To your credit, I have nothing to say about the weaponry chosen. Fairly unremarkable, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Biggest issues I'm seeing, to sum up, are the skill level not reflecting her upbringing and dropout status, her combat behavior is excessively wordy and lacking weaknesses for a half-trained Huntress, and I'd like some.more info on the Frostbite, or to see it replaced with something known to us. Also the parts of the history where "the Kingdoms didn't know what to do" so they rely on a couple dropouts aggravates me. I'll look at that next time if it hasn't changed.

Dr. Gustave

  • Administrator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • The Nice Admin

  • 877
  • Karma:
    +226/-219
  • Personal Text
    Forgive me for what I must yabba dabba do
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2018, 07:48:01 PM »
Due to CTQ stuff, I'm taking over this review. This does not mean Janus' points are irrelevant, take his points into account when viewing mine.

REQUIRED

More details on frostbite, either in profile or not. You can toss in minor Grimm in histories as a little flavor of the location, but considering this is a unique boss Grimm it needs info, even if it's dead

Add more weaknesses, as far as I can tell her only weaknesses are being light weight and not durable.




REQUESTED

Simplify occupation/give better descriptor - a good descriptor immediately gives the reader and idea of what the character does. “She does what she wants” leaves the reader only knowing what's said, they don't know what that actually entails or what she wants.

Appearance could use some expansion, a picture isn't an excuse to skimp on descriptor - this is a writing site, you should use as many opportunities as you can to flex your writing muscles

Reword or redo the “a highly precise control over her aura before schooling even started” bit to better reflect the skill level of what was most likely a 13-14 year old - while an early start and parents already highly skilled in aura use are undoubtedly an incredible boon, I'm hesitant to think one could learn highly precise control in a year of unlocking their aura. More advanced control than others her age? Sure. Highly precise? Ehhh

Reword or redo the “Nazar was the first to go, having been invited into a special training program with the Kingdoms to combat rogue huntsmen/huntresses” bit to either specify it was not the Inquisition and why or have it be a non-Inquisition group and why - since the Inquisition requires a Hunter License, he would not be allowed to join them. That said, the Inquisition is often tied in laws and regulations to the point where they can't set foot on Atlesian soil. It's not beyond the realm of believability to say there a non-official group taking care of business that the Inquisition can't or won't.

Reword or redo the “Akane is also an excellent teacher, being able to spot the flaws in anyone’s fighting style and giving suggestions on how they can develop effective ways to rectify them.” bit - while the trait itself is fine, it has no basis in the history, while she worked together with Khan, the only mention of teaching is tutoring underclassmen with no explanation of how she learned or came to the point where she gained this trait.

Fix “However, Akane is able to enter supercell form, where she stays in one spot and rotates the cloud around her at high speeds until it generates powerful enough bolts of electricity. She is able to continuously spin up, collecting more blood and electricity and rotational speed before blasting it all outwards to knock back and electrocute enemies. However, due to the exponentially increasing cost of her semblance, it exhausts her quite a bit.”- as discussed in CTQ, it will require lightning dust.
Atlas: ShowHide
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Mistral: ShowHide
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Vacuo: ShowHide
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Vale: ShowHide
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C

Dr. Gustave

  • Administrator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • The Nice Admin

  • 877
  • Karma:
    +226/-219
  • Personal Text
    Forgive me for what I must yabba dabba do
    • View Profile
Re: Akane Tozawa
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2018, 06:45:03 PM »
Moving to MIA
Atlas: ShowHide
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Mistral: ShowHide
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Vacuo: ShowHide
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Vale: ShowHide
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C