Author Topic: Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg  (Read 560 times)

Yougimble

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Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg
« on: March 10, 2017, 03:07:33 AM »
CHARACTER

Name: Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg (Roar-sol-borg)

Age: 17

Species and Gender: Human Male

Symbol:  Colborn's symbol is a bright red sun surrounded by gray ashen clouds.

Occupation: 1st Year Student

Appearance: Colborn stands at a height of 5'8" and weighs 167 lbs.  He has blonde hair that he keeps relatively short.  Not buzzed all the way but short enough that his hair does not require much more maintenance than just wetting it down in the morning, or just flattening it after a shower.  His hands have become very calloused over the years of working on weapons.  His overall build is quite toned but certainly not exceptionally built.  He has a heart-shaped face with dark brown eyes.  He constantly has dark circles under his eyes that make him look constantly exhausted despite how much sleep he gets.  He can not really grow any much facial hair, and as a result does not shave regularly.  Thus he varies from having a little scruff to being baby faced every week and a half. 

When in casual wear that is not his school uniform he likes to wear dark blue jeans and red running shoes.  His typically wears a regular t-shirt that he got from one event or another.  If not that it is usually a t-shirt that has the name of his shop, village, favorite sports team, etc.  When it is colder, he can usually be found wearing a variety of flannels.

His combat attire is very light fitting and nonrestrictive.  He wears a light gray pair of exercise shorts, and a belt that he attaches his spare dust bullet magazines in.  He wears a grey and red long sleeved shirt with a bandanna of his emblem tied to his left arm.  On his right arm he wears a small pauldron that extends slightly under halfway from his shoulder to the elbow.

History: Colborn grew up in about as stable of a family that anyone outside the walls could ever hope to enjoy.  His village was well protected by the grim thanks to large cliffs on one side, and a bustling trade route on the other ensuring huntsmen were almost always not too far to be found.  Colborn's parents were able to provide his family with a healthy income by running the villages blacksmith and weapon's shop.  His father ran the shop and handled the finances; while his mother was responsible with creating the merchandise for completing orders. 

When he was young his friends would often play huntsman and huntresses in a field near the village.  The rule was that as long as they were within shouting distance it was okay.  However, shortly after he turned 10 a girl had wandered off too far and disappeared.  Her body was found the next day, and after that the children's games outside the village came to an end.  Due to the size of the village it was only natural that Colborn new the girl and her family.  The girl was not one of Colborn's core group of friends but she still played with them from time to time.  On the day she went missing Colborn and his friends were heading off to go play their game.  On the way he saw the girl reading on her front porch and was about to invite her.  However, for some reason that he still can not fully explain he decided against it.  Why she wandered so far from the village is unknown.  He knows her death was not his fault, but he still feels that if she had been invited to play, she never would have found herself in that deadly situation.

With their games put to an end, Colborn had little else to do than help around the shop.  There, working under his mother's supervision, he began to advance his skills as a weapon's engineer.  While he knew what huntsman did, his first hand encounters were non-existent.  All he was able to get were stories that they told in the shop or around town to the kids.  As he grew older, he was eventually able to hear the exaggeration in their voices.  Nonetheless, he still admired them and saw them as heroes.  He took great pride in knowing that some of them were using weapons he had worked on.  In a way, he felt as though he was making a direct contribution to the safety of not just his village, but the world of remnant as a whole.  For a time, being an engineer is what he thought was his calling in life.  By making the weapons for the huntsman to use against the grimm he could atone for the little girl he failed years ago.  It wasn't until he was 14 that his belief would change.

While most of his work was spent on repairing weapons for huntsman that came through the village, his mother had been making him build unique weapons as well.  They were a way for him to advance his skills to new levels that mere repairs could not, as well as supplement the income for the shop.  While he was showing one of his newest creations to a traveling merchant, he heard a scream.  In the field where his friends used to play a small beowolf had wandered close to the village.  Normally, the town guard were good at keeping the grimm at bay, but lone grimm occasionally slipped through.  They were then swiftly dealt with by a huntsman staying in the village or a reserve guard.  However, when Colborn saw the children running away frightened, his mind flashed back to the image of that little girl sitting on her porch.  Before he knew what his body was doing Colborn was running towards the grimm.  He had no experience actually fighting with his weapons, but he had built and designed this weapon (a spear and shield pair) from the ground up.  He knew how it felt in his hands and how it moved.  If the grimm was any larger, or if there were more of them, he may have been in trouble; but the lone grimm proved manageable.  He began his walk back to the village triumphant as the black corpse of the grimm slowly dissolved away.  Bruised, bloodied, and exhausted as the adrenaline drained out of him, he realized that his true calling in life was not meant to be in front of a forge.  While he still felt that being a weapons engineer was a valuable profession, he believed he could do more good as someone utilizing their creations as well as designing them.

Through the next three years he continued to work on his newfound weapon of choice (he had quickly taken his design off the market after the encounter).  As he elevated his design and fabrication,  skills he also strived to learn anything about fighting from the traveling huntsman and local guardsmen that he could.  Whether it was a simple sparring practice here.  Or shadowing a mission there.  Or trading a free repair for unlocking his aura, his skills gradually grew.  As his skills grew, so did the capabilities of his weapon.  With every passing year the complexity of the design approached more and more what he would find with a professional huntsman.  By the end it was a true culmination of all his knowledge and experience with making weapons, something he could be incredibly proud of and depend on.  When it came time to finally take the Beacon entrance exam he felt nervous that his unconventional training would be insufficient to pass the exam.  Fortunately, it would seem that hands on learning is the best kind of learning for he was able to successfully pass the exam and gain entrance to the school.  As he started his new life he was determined to never let anyone down the way he let that little girl down in his village.

Personality: Years of working in a shop have developed Colborn's social skills to the point where he can strike up a conversation with just about anyone.  However, that does not mean he automatically likes just everyone.  While he is not exactly hard to befriend he certainly has a few traits that will instantly lose a few points with him such as bullying, and racism.  Ironically, arrogance is another one of his pet peeves, yet it is also a trait he can find himself guilty of at times.  Due to his above average intelligence he is able to succeed with relative ease in almost all of his academic pursuits.  However, this has led him to thinking on more than one occasion that he simply just an exceptional case.  This has further cemented his belief that he needs to protect people since he believes it is the obligation of the strong to protect the weak.  So while he may internally look down on some people, he still believes everyone deserves respect and equality.  Thus, he will also not stand for racism and disagrees strongly with the radicals on both sides of the faunus civil rights issue.  In fact he actually believes that this issue is just a way of dividing the citizens to keep a large portion of them in poverty so they do not rise up against the ones in power.  If someone has the misfortune of getting him going on political topics such as this, they might want to take a seat...or hope they have a semblance that allows them to leave an image of themselves because he is gonna go on for a while.

While he has a desire to help all people, those who he counts as friends will certainly be given a higher priority.  Growing up in a village outside the walls taught him that close friends and a tight community are keys to survival.  Especially after the death of the small girl, he subconsciously immediately places an exceptionally high value on the people around him.  There is almost nothing he will not do to help those he cares about, and will often prioritize them over himself.  This can often lead him to being overwhelmed and having to sacrifice sleep in order to accomplish everything he set out to do.

While his one on one social skills allow him to be quite talkative.  He loves to crack awful, awful jokes and his mom has playfully hit him on more than one occasion for a painful pun.  When he isn't making a joke he almost always being sarcastic.  However, when surrounded by a group of people he is unfamiliar with he quickly quiets down.  In most cases he will not speak up unless directly addressed or has something he believes is completely crucial to the conversation.

Aura and Semblance: Colborn's aura is a bright red, like the color of a setting sun in an ashy sky.  His semblance is the ability to change the temperature of things he is touching.  He is able to both raise and lower the temperature of the objects he is touching.  While touching the objects he becomes immune to the debilitating effects of holding or touching them, but only them.  If he was holding his spear and raising its temperature to incredibly high levels, he would not be hurt.  However, if he was hit by some fire dust while using his semblance he would still get burned like a normal person.  He can keep his semblance up at a cost of 2% of his aura per 30 seconds if only one item is being touch, but it goes up to 5% per item for every item after the first one.  He can also only influence the temperature in one direction across all the items.  As in, he can not have his spear super hot while his shield is super cold.

His semblance is limited to things that are not currently under the influence of of another's aura or semblance.  However, if his aura is already affecting an item another's aura cannot cancels his pre-existing effect out (unless it is an unusual case or specialized semblance).  He can also not use his aura against humans, faunus, or animals who currently have their auras unbroken.

Combat Behavior:  Colborn is someone who likes to be in the thick of things during a fight.  Using both is spear and shield his is able to engage and disengage from enemies rapidly.  His spear helps him keep them at a distance while his shield provide protection should they close the gap.  By keeping his spear at incredibly hot temperatures it provides another layer of intimidation to keep the enemies at a favorable distance.  Nonetheless, his time at the forge taught him just how heat can weaken a weapon as much as it strengthens it.  Therefore, he only uses his semblance in incredibly tight situations when he needs every edge he can get.  He learned from experience that trying to rapidly switch from hot to cold can cause the metal to fracture. 

His lack of experience in real combat situations can prove debilitating at times.  He often finds himself entering a rut with his attacks that any experienced fighter will recognize and be able to counter easily.  While his spear is excellent for range, that also means it can easily be knocked aside.  Should that happen Colborn quickly finds himself open for attack until he can reset the situation.  While he is quick on his feet, he is pretty lightly armored.  When enemies get good hits on him, he certainly feels them. 

While working in a team he excels at punishing enemies for losing focus on him and exploiting opportunities left by his teammates.  However, his utility is quickly lost should the group of enemies decide to focus on him.  His shield and spear combo is effective at buying him some time, but if the opponents decide they want him out of the fight, his teammates need to be there to help him. 

WEAPON

Name: Darra­r Svell e­a Bruni (Da-rare svell a Bruni)

Primary Form: The primary form of his weapon is a combination of a long spear with a large tip at one end that serves as the primary point of attack, and a smaller tip at the opposite in for surprise attacks and staving off flanking enemies.  The shield has a diameter slightly larger than the length of his forearm about 22".  It is ringed in bright red color.  The inside of the ring has his symbol painted on it.  The sun in his shield is bulged out to provide a sense of depth to the depiction as well as provide additional protection from attacks.  The shaft of his spear is a gray color like the background of his symbol with both tips being red.  When he has his semblance "charging" his weapon the tips appear to glow like pointed triangular setting suns.  The length of his spear in this form is 6' long; and is designed to be held 2' from the bottom as this is where the trigger used in the weapons rifle function can be found.

Secondary Form: His weapon's secondary form is the form primarily used when not in combat.  The shaft of the spear is able to telescope in, cutting its length to 2.5'.  It is then able to slide into a socket built into the inside of his shield, allowing both to be carried on his back.  That way when he is tired he can just put it away, unfortunately it still weighs the same.

Dust Functions: The bottom part of his spear serves more purpose than just an extra point.  The tip is capable of opening up, revealing the barrel of a rifle.  He can then shoot a small amount of dust bullets from the gun.  However, his spear lacks a proper rifle grip or sights so the range and accuracy of this form of attack is very limited, and is best suited for surprising enemies or catching unsuspecting ones off guard.

History: Throughout his teenage years Colborn continuously worked on his weapon.  From the moment he used it in the impulse fueled battle with the beowulf he knew that they were not merely two separate beings, but two halves to an inseparable whole.  Thus he saw fit to only bestow one name to the pair.  Since he had complete control over the design of his weapon, it continuously evolved and changed as his fighting style emerged.  Thus, the form we see it in today is quite different from its first iteration.  Despite this, the soul of his weapon is still very much the same from the first day he ever chose to use it.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2017, 10:37:05 PM by Yougimble »

Dr. Gustave

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Re: Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2017, 06:55:26 PM »
So... SORRY about this not being looked at until now. I don't know how it happened with only two other profiles in the creation section.

Going down the list...

Quote
Name: Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg
While having that last name is completely fine, I'm gonna ask you to add a pronunciation, probably in parenthesis, so other people will know how to say it.

Quote
History: [...]On the day she went missing Colborn and his friends were heading off to go play their game.  On the way he saw the girl reading on her front porch and was about to invite her.  However, for some reason that he still can not fully explain he decided against it.  He knows her death was not his fault, but he still feels partly responsible for creating a chain of events that led to her demise.
We need a little clarification or better wording on this. She died because she didn't go play with him and his friends?
Quote
History: [...]If the grimm was any larger, or if there were more of them, he may have been in trouble; but the lone grimm proved manageable.
Defeating a lone grimm on your own at the age of 14 is fine, but with no prior combat experience he's going to come out of that fight with some injuries. Especially since he apparently hadn't had his aura unlocked yet. It doesn't have to be anything serious or life threatening, just some injuries so show that he didn't perfectly kill a killing machine in his first ever combat situation.

For the personality section, it's not what you have but instead what you don't have. Multiple times in the history section you mention him doing what he does because he feels guilty for getting the girl indirectly killed. Shouldn't you mention he has a guilt complex in the personality section? If not, was it just a one time thing? It doesn't seem like he knew her too well, so it wouldn't make much sense for it to be a one time thing.

I'm fine with the semblance as long as you add that he cannot change the temperatures of things or people that are shielded by aura. This includes things like clothing, weapons, armor, etc. for people who have their aura unlocked and currently unbroken.

Quote
Combat Behavior: [...]By keeping his spear at incredibly hot temperatures it provides another layer of intimidation to keep the enemies at a favorable.
Keeping your spear at hot temperatures all the time is a bad idea. While you won't reach the melting point (I hope), the constant heating up and expansion of the metal will slowly wear down the weapon. If I were you, I would say he does it more as a situational thing and not in every encounter. Same goes for switching temperatures. Going from a very cold temp to a very hot temp will seriously cause issues with the metal. I know you didn't say anything about that but I just thought it would be good to mention.

Quote
Combat Behavior: By keeping his spear at incredibly hot temperatures it provides another layer of intimidation to keep the enemies at a favorable.
I think you're missing a word at the end there.

The only things for the weapon are a pronunciation of the name just like the character name and we need you to add a trigger to the spear. You make mention of it having capabilities of a rifle but make no mention of a trigger or where it would be located. All you gotta do is add that in.



All that's left are some menial spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I'll just make a list. Please understand I'm not trying to be a grammar nazi or trying to be like "Oh look at this stupid idiot, he made mistakes!" This is a writing site, people are going to make mistakes in their writing. However, no one learns from their mistakes if they don't know they made them.

"He has a heart shaped face with dark brown eyes." should be "He has a heart-shaped face with dark brown eyes."

"If not that it is usually a t-shirt that has the name of his shop, village, favorite sports team etc." should be "If not that it is usually a t-shirt that has the name of his shop, village, favorite sports team, etc."

"When it is colder he can usually be found wearing a variety of flannels." should be "When it is colder, he can usually be found wearing a variety of flannels."

"On his right arm he wears a small pauldron that extends slightly under halfway from his shoulder to he elbow." should be "On his right arm he wears a small pauldron that extends slightly under halfway from his shoulder to the elbow."

"His village was well protected by the grim thanks to large cliffs on one side, and a bustling trade route on the other ensuring a huntsmen was almost always not too far to be found." should either be "His village was well protected by the grim thanks to large cliffs on one side, and a bustling trade route on the other ensuring a huntsman was almost always not too far to be found." OR "His village was well protected by the grim thanks to large cliffs on one side, and a bustling trade route on the other ensuring a huntsmen was almost always not too far to be found." (No need for "a" here)

"His father ran the shop and handled the finances, while his mother was responsible with creating the merchandise and completing orders." should be "His father ran the shop and handled the finances, while his mother was responsible for creating the merchandise and completing orders." (No need for "," here)

"There working under his mother's supervision he began to advance his skills as a weapon's engineer." should be "There, working under his mother's supervision, he began to advance his skills as a weapon's engineer."

"As he grew older he was eventually able to hear the exaggeration in their voices." should be "As he grew older, he was eventually able to hear the exaggeration in their voices."

"In a way he felt as though he was making a direct contribution to the safety of not just his village, but the world of remnant as a whole." should be "In a way, he felt as though he was making a direct contribution to the safety of not just his village, but the world of remnant as a whole."

"While he was showing one of his newest creations to a traveling merchant he heard a scream." should be "While he was showing one of his newest creations to a traveling merchant, he heard a scream."

"As the black corpse of the grimm slowly dissolved away he had completely changed his mind about where his life was headed." should be "As the black corpse of the grimm slowly dissolved away, he had completely changed his mind about where his life was headed."

"As he elevated his design and fabrication  skills he also strived to learn anything about fighting from the traveling huntsman and local guardsmen that he could." should be "As he elevated his design and fabrication  skills, he also strived to learn anything about fighting from the traveling huntsman and local guardsmen that he could."

"When it came time to finally take the Beacon entrance exam he felt nervous that his unconventional training would be insufficient to pass the exam." should be "When it came time to finally take the Beacon entrance exam, he felt nervous that his unconventional training would be insufficient to pass the exam."

"If he was holding his spear had raising its temperature to incredibly high levels he would not be hurt." should be "If he was holding his spear had raising its temperature to incredibly high levels, he would not be hurt."

"While working in a team he excels at keeping punishing enemies for losing focus on him and exploiting opportunities left by his teammates." should be "While working in a team he excels at keeping punishing enemies for losing focus on him and exploiting opportunities left by his teammates."

"The length of his spear in this form is 6' long, and is designed to be held 2' from the bottom." should be "The length of his spear in this form is 6' long, and is designed to be held 2' from the bottom." (No need for "," here)

"The shaft of the spear is able to telescope in, cutting it's length to 2.5'." should be "The shaft of the spear is able to telescope in, cutting its length to 2.5'."

"Since he had complete control over the design of his weapon it continuously evolved and changed as his fighting style emerged." should be "Since he had complete control over the design of his weapon, it continuously evolved and changed as his fighting style emerged."

"Thus, the form we see it in today is quite different than its first iteration." should be 'Thus, the form we see it in today is quite different from its first iteration."
Spoiler: Atlas • show
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Spoiler: Mistral • show
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Spoiler: Vacuo • show
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Spoiler: Vale • show
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C

Yougimble

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Re: Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2017, 10:38:04 PM »
Thanks for the feedback!  No worries about the delay,  I just got back from vacation so the delay was not a big deal to me at all.  I made the recommended edits.  Let me know what you think!

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Re: Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2017, 01:07:17 PM »
Seems all good, just one more thing I thought I had said in the initial review, but looking back it seems I missed it. The semblance needs to have some sort of upper and lower limit or maybe a speed at which the temperature rises to ensure that you can't cross a certain line without using up too much aura.
Spoiler: Atlas • show
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Spoiler: Mistral • show
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Spoiler: Vacuo • show
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Spoiler: Vale • show
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C

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Re: Colborn "Colby" Rau­rsˇlbjǫrg
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2017, 10:59:59 AM »
Moved to MIA. Will move back to CC once user comes back and does edits.
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

 

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