Author Topic: Nathan Eau  (Read 5132 times)

nathan67003

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 1911
  • Karma:
    +138/-111
  • Personal Text
    Infinite ADHD Asperger's physicist monkeys
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2016, 07:32:13 AM »
Right, onto this fucker.


Timeworker:
Hex codes fucked off into spoiler.

Thank you! Honestly, he's an author avatar, so he mostly has a Remnant-ified background. I don't know why he was bullied because I don't know why I was bullied. Maybe he was just different? Smart? Dunno.

Again, modelled off me. Sorry to trump expectations :P As for the 'Aura test' thing, it's less a subject than something I supposed may be part of an orientation test towards the end of school. Also note that he's not that good at academics, he just scores above 80% most of the time without really trying. He's not an 'academic success' in Aura, either: he just has more of it than average, even at that age.

Thank you! Although, again, his history is just perhaps too real.

Academic strenghts and weaknesses: Loves maths and science, is pretty good at language classes, mildly sucks at more social stuffs - although he still has great memory.
Hobbies: Video games. Added that. Also didn't say much about friends because I feel that doesn't belong there just yet, being character development.

The anger stuff is really, really unlikely to happen. You'd have to threaten one of his friend's lives - and even then, he'd give them a chance to back off.

Removed whispers. Added that Aura 'tendrils' are intangible - they're really just a manifestation of his Aura, a bit like Ruby's petals. They just do jack shit and look sick.

Side note: (his entire being changes, figured that might count for something)

Now says 'not at a distance', which was an issue for previous iterations. Yes, different people take different damage, which is why I specify that the examples suppose an arbitrarily average person in reagards to everything. I adjust damage, via semblance or not, with this in mind. Also, if he uses 25% Aura, he needs to wait 25 seconds... (I also plan on transferring the Aura cost to strain - if he used 20%, he'd feel like the blood drained from his head for a few seconds, leaving him defenceless. He'd also be a bit shaky for, maybe, a dozen seconds at that level.

I guess I could nerf the damage to, like, three quarters of what it does now - or if that's not enough, half.

He is utter shit at taking on multiple opponents, and even worse at being taken by surprise.

It looks like a black cylinder about a foot long, a bit too thick to hold comfortably, and deploys two thinner shafts on each end. The jetpack, staff 'lightsaber' (really not) and plasma 'cannon' (it's not large, it's just called that) are actually integrated within the machine. The plasma bit doesn't cut steel or metal, and has been that way for a looooooong time - it's even stated it'll slowly heat up stuff that's non-organic. The 'cannon' works by either firing plasmoids made from ambient air (assault mode) or compressing plasmoids made of a mix of boron, hydrogen, Lightning Dust and Kinetic Dust by exacerbating plasma instabilities, achieving fusion and neutralizing the particles on the way out (sniper mode). The device used is a deep dense plasma focus small enough to fit inside. It may be OP against Grimm, but Nathan knows how shit people can be first-hand and is also a raving lunatic when it comes to overkill. He got his hands on Dust to make the weapon because his adoptive father taught him how to do it and brought him the stuff. I'd be totally okay with removing the flamethrower part. The jetpack is a tiny thing taht occupies a third of the main cylinder, consuming Dust to provide thrust.

He literally got told by his father about the latter's research, winged it and was successful.

Rex, I'll update this post later with responses to your no doubt well-founded complaints.
« Last Edit: October 05, 2016, 08:55:11 AM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy Team BSEK Leader
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Team CBLT Leader
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team HTDG
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Uncouth T-Rex

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 458
  • Karma:
    +102/-1
  • Personal Text
    Unofficial Forum Dad
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #16 on: October 05, 2016, 07:41:56 AM »
Yeah that was my bad, I hadn't even noticed Timeworker had replied already. Brilliant first day on the job, let me tell you...
Seek Justice, Love Mercy, and walk humbly with your God.

Character List:
Spoiler: show
Marlon Murk-Leader of Team MRKD (Marked) "The power of the night, the press of the storm, The post of the foe; Where he stands, the Arch Fear in a visible form, Yet the strong man must go..."-Prospice, Robert Browning

Cheri Chanson-Team AFMC (Afirmacion) “The people who were trying to make this world worse are not taking the day off. Why should I?” -Bob Marley

Jack Pettibone-Leader of Team JCRA (Jackrabbit) "In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story."-Barney Stinson

Cherry Chainsaw "Wake up, I'm a bullet loosed Into the heart of a wretched age, I breathe just to beat and bruise, an evolution of the burnin' rage!"-Miracle of Sound, Hell to Pay

Professor Siobhan Clannad-Personal Finance and Home Economics Professor at Beacon Academy "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."-Unknown, often attributed to Saint Teresa of Calcutta

Professor Feltch Hatterly Criminal and International Law Professor at Beacon Academy "Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."-G.K. Chesterton

Professor Scarlet Vandal Weapons Engineering and Design Professor at Beacon Academy "Perfection has one grave defect: It is apt to be dull."-W. Somerset Maugham


Character AMA here, Personal AMA here, Character/Plot Timeline here, Descent into Madness here

If you ever need writing advice, be it for a post, a plot, or a character, don't hesitate to ask, I'm happy to help! PM me if you need someone to DM Grimm or NPCs, or need my Professors in your threads, though my ability to help with that depends on my free time!

Timeworker

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
  • Karma:
    +6/-1
  • Personal Text
    Natus es angelorum morientur gehennam ignis
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2016, 10:00:18 AM »
Ok a good start but some things do still need to change

History:
Ok now that I understand where you're coming from most of this makes sense now. Thank you for clearing up that aura mishap. Can't have any naturally expert aura users at age 14 can we? There are some dependencies that clash with the rest of the profile but I'l deal with that later in the post.

Personality
Il put this plain and simple. Get rid of any mention of killing other students out of rage. No matter how unlikely it is to happen a student who will kill other students is not someone mentally stable enough to be in a advanced academy. He can get bothered and agitated (even violent) but never killing. I don't even see why this is in the profile. What do people get out of knowing that your character will try to kill their character if they fuck up? Nothing except a vague feeling not to role-play with you. Honestly if you remove everything under that spoiler and move the aura tendril stuff to aura and semblance you will have a personality that fits just fine with the rules.

If you don't want to delete the spoiler than I want to tell you that the whole metaphor is unnecessary and just makes the whole thing more confusing. If you want to keep the whole lashing out part (not killing) than just incorporate it into the actual personality instead of going on a whole rant about what it "looks like". It makes the profile much easier to understand and much easier to read/review.

Almost there man, I really do like the personality outside of the spoiler.

Aura and Semblance

Still some work to do before this part is finished but you're on the right track. Thank you for putting it to not at a distance it makes it easier to comprehend. Aura cannot change the temperature of the air nor depend sound in the area unless it is a semblance. Aura effects should be cosmetic only (like the intangible tendrils) instead of effect environment, temperature ect...

I have no problem with Nathan being above average in aura and semblance it simply shouldn't be attributed to being above average in child hood. Nathan focused most of his studies in technology and dust training while with his father and in combat style studies while in Signal. Neither of these things have direct attachment to aura manipulation so by the time that Nathan enters Beacon the advantage he had as a child is probably long gone. There are people who studied aura manipulation and went through specialized training to become better at the field so by the time he is accepted he will be relatively average (or shock even BELOW average) at aura manipulation. Your character doesn't need to be proficient at every aspect of hunting (especially cause hes a FIRST year).

With this being said I am putting a cap on the damage this semblance can cause. Destroying 90% of someones aura (I don't care if they are the weakest person in the academy) is not acceptable in one hit. Whats to stop him from just withering an opponent down to 90% with his weapon and then just ending it in one hit. I would say about 30%-35% is acceptable for max power for a first year. I will wait for further comment on strain till we finish this section.

Combat Behavior

Excellent start! Thank you for adding some exploitable weaknesses but we aren't finished here. You need to add weaknesses in his style and actual combat behavior as the section isn't combat scenarios (as surprise attacks and multiple opponents are scenarios not behaviors). Giving him some weaknesses as a first year will help make the character role-playable. 

Weapon

Let's start with something easy. Just put everything you told me about description and transformation into the actual profile. It will help newcomers and people who are less intelligent than you read it.

First thing GET RID OF THE JET PACK. I'm telling you right now that this is one of the things that agitates me the most. As a PILOT I can tell you right now that the machine on his back is ANYTHING but airworthy/flyable. There is a reason that jet packs  are seldom allowed and that's because in a realistic situation you would most likely end up killing yourself when you'd try to use it.

Fix everything that Uncouth mentioned as well and I'l see whats left to fix after that.

Almost there we just have a few things to deal with and then there is the weapon.


 
« Last Edit: October 05, 2016, 10:04:59 AM by Timeworker »
Griz Blancard 1st Year Student at Beacon"I need a nap"
Dorothy Burgundy 3rd Year Shade, Elite Scavenger "Treasure is everywhere, you just need to know where to look!"
Xavier Cendres2nd year Beacon "Everything can be solved with a wrench, screwdriver, and a whole lot of time"

nathan67003

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 1911
  • Karma:
    +138/-111
  • Personal Text
    Infinite ADHD Asperger's physicist monkeys
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2016, 10:49:03 AM »
References to any sort of murder have been removed. 'Stopping' and 'hurting' are now the go-to things. The edits have also been done to the thing in the wpoiler, so still no killing. Moved the tendril stuffs to the Aura section.

Spoiler thing will probably get retgoned Fuck it, spoiler annihilated.

Sound no longer affected. Temperature thing also removed, air now just feels stale.

Removed the mention of high Aura levels.

Mentioned he's now capped at 33% for 8% usage. Would amount to about a second or so of dizziness followed by a bit of a shaky hand for 4 seconds, then goes into plain old exhaustion. This would mean he could only pull the move off 12 times before the next time he tries to use it, he succeeds and immediately collapses from exhaustion.

Alright, added he can get caught off-guard by unpredictable behavior as well (such as when Gray hit him directly during the ongoing 1v1 match).

Added TL;DR section at the bottom of the main weapon description, between tertiary form and Dust functions.

Removed jetpack, now jumppack. Cannot be used to fly in any sort of controlled manner apart from 'straight up' and 'brake fall'.
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy Team BSEK Leader
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Team CBLT Leader
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team HTDG
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

nathan67003

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 1911
  • Karma:
    +138/-111
  • Personal Text
    Infinite ADHD Asperger's physicist monkeys
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #19 on: October 05, 2016, 11:09:31 AM »
Rex, your turn. Smarmy bugger :P


Wait, what? What spoiler? Was there a spoiler?

Good reason: It takes its toll on him, i.e. exhaustion. Which he would prefer to avoid. He doesn't tell anyone because he's a cheeky bastard who likes having surprises for his opponents. Plus, the less he tells people, the less likely the information is to spread.

Semblance now capped (related to age and training), don't know wether or not that fixes the issues you had.

Now a jumppack. Antigrav thing is now implied - I changed combustion for consumption in the Dust functions. It'd probably still produce some form of light & sound similar to before, though, but it wouldn't come with heat.

Y'know, plasma isn't that awesome or amazing - the packets he sends in assault mode are basically just Dust ammo with a different mechanism behind them (3% per hit on Gray, for example). It's certainly no lightsaber.

Full auto (assault mode): Fires 12 rounds/second. Conservative, when compared to things like a P90. Reload time on sniper mode is 3 seconds. Added those into the description.

You can still dodge that. It just becomes about dodging out of the way of the line of fire instead of the bullet (which, honestly, should already be what characters try to do, because Mach 5 is Mach 5). Gray dodged it (okay, there's an OOC reason, but it still made sense in-character) at the start of the 1v1.

Added that the LR thingies are launched like grenades - in other words, very low velocity to avoid accidental discharges within the chamber.

Think that's a response to all you mentioned.
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy Team BSEK Leader
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Team CBLT Leader
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team HTDG
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Timeworker

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
  • Karma:
    +6/-1
  • Personal Text
    Natus es angelorum morientur gehennam ignis
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #20 on: October 05, 2016, 02:50:07 PM »
(P.S I'll be reviewing this one I think Rex has his hands full with Camellia)

Ok this is looking much better just a few issues and one big one left to solve

Semblance
I'll be waiting for you to convert aura % to actual strain but if you don't want to I can tell you right now that 8% for 33% damage is still not ok. Also double the cooldown and we should be at a fair agreement (cooldown is equal to double the cost ie. wait 10 seconds for a 5% push ect...). However if you feel you can come up with a more creative solution feel free to write it!

Combat Behaviour
I am having an issue with the combat weaknesses you gave him. Nothing is a flat out weakness that is a cause of his character. Let me explain, surprise attacks, multiple foes and unpredictable combat is something that every character struggles against in a fight. I can't name a character that would benefit from being under any of these circumstances. You need to give your character a weakness that is a cause of his decisions/natural faults.

Quote
Your tall, towering behemoth of a brawler has no problem bashing in a few skulls... but getting in range might be slow for the lumbering oaf they might be. Speed might be your forte, but are you sure you aren't sacrificing protection in order to stay a step ahead of an opponent?


I think the problem is that you've given your character such a wide variety of strengths that are really powerful there is no room for weaknesses and that's one of the ultimate reasons that slows down approval. His close combat seems great in both close combat and ranged. His speed seems to be decent and so does his reaction time. His aura seems to be slightly above average as well as him having a tool to close gaps. If he somehow can't close the gap he can always decimate from afar with technology. His tactics also seem to be excellent. Having all of these as strengths is not ok especially as a first year. This is not to say you can't have a versatile character. There are plenty of people who have figured out ways to be well-rounded as well as having a fair share of weaknesses. Before you go any further I want you to think about some really defining weaknesses that this character can have.

Weapon
Before we go anywhere else in this section I need you to do some organizing. You spend way too much time talking about how the weapon works people will get lost and not find out what it actually does. I suggest writing in the suggested format below to try and make it easier to review/roleplay against and as. There are many people on this site who do not understand many of the concepts that you talk about and it shouldn't be up to THEM to figure out what your character does. If you want to add extra detail that is fine but don't make it mandatory to read through if they want a basic understanding of the character.

Spoiler: Suggested format • show

Weapon

Name:

Primary Form:
Describe to me what it looks like. Describe WHAT it does not HOW it does it. Tell me about the limits.

Secondary Form:
Describe how the primary form transforms into this form.
Describe to me what this form looks like.
Describe to me WHAT this form does not HOW it does it.
Tell me about the LIMITS of this form.

Tertiary Form:
Describe how the secondary form transforms into this form.
Describe to me what this form looks like.
Describe to me WHAT this form does not HOW it does it.
Tell me about the LIMITS of this form.

Dust Functions:
Tell me what exactly the dust effects are.
Tell me what dust powers the machine.
How much dust is needed.

History:

Specifics and Schematics
THIS is where you can describe to your heart's content HOW your weapons works. Keeping this apart from the rest allows people to instantly get a summary of what your weapon does before roleplaying with you. It also allows people who want to be amazed by how detailed your weapon is to find it after they have an idea of what it actually does


You might see me emphasize the difference between WHAT and HOW. You put a lot of effort into describing how your weapon works when a lot of people do not care to know. Please try and find the difference between the two and separate them from what you have now. You will also see me emphasize the word LIMITS. Thank you by the way for turning down the heat on the weapon to much more realistic level. My point is every weapon has limits to what it can and can't do and try to be specific about that. Of course the suggested format is only a suggestion but I think separating WHAT and HOW is going to speed up the approval by a large margin.

Ok this should be ok for now. I think you have a problem explaining too much things that are unnecessary and explaining too little things that are very necessary. I look forward to reading your next update!
Griz Blancard 1st Year Student at Beacon"I need a nap"
Dorothy Burgundy 3rd Year Shade, Elite Scavenger "Treasure is everywhere, you just need to know where to look!"
Xavier Cendres2nd year Beacon "Everything can be solved with a wrench, screwdriver, and a whole lot of time"

Dr. Gustave

  • Administrator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • The Nice Admin

  • 860
  • Karma:
    +221/-219
  • Personal Text
    Forgive me for what I must yabba dabba do
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #21 on: October 05, 2016, 03:09:43 PM »
Just a note, while you should convert % to strain, you CAN keep the % elsewhere for if a combat thread decides to use semblance drain.
Spoiler: Atlas • show
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Spoiler: Mistral • show
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Spoiler: Vacuo • show
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Spoiler: Vale • show
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C

nathan67003

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 1911
  • Karma:
    +138/-111
  • Personal Text
    Infinite ADHD Asperger's physicist monkeys
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #22 on: October 05, 2016, 05:43:46 PM »
Right. Strain. So I've added that applying a cost modifier (2x, in this case) to what's already there's necessary - at least as long as he's at Beacon, probably. Added a 'paragraph' for the strain thing. Doubled cooldown.

Thought about weaknesses: added that he's unskilled/bad (really bad) at close melee. Removed guff about being weak to the same things as everyone else.

Rejiggered the disposition of the weapon description as demanded.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 08:46:47 AM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy Team BSEK Leader
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Team CBLT Leader
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team HTDG
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Timeworker

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
  • Karma:
    +6/-1
  • Personal Text
    Natus es angelorum morientur gehennam ignis
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #23 on: October 06, 2016, 10:57:43 PM »
Semblance

Ok this is starting to look really good! All I have issues with now is some numbers you have which only require minor tweaking. Get rid of any numbers that he can't currently pull off in the % area. If you feel that Nathan has come far enough to advance his semblance then you can submit them again then for approval but right now I can tell you that for the near-foreseeable future none of those numbers are ok. As for aura cost (in the percentage area still) I would recommend that 20% aura damage be closer to the 10% mark and the 33% damage be closer to the 15-17% mark. I feel this will help reduce spamming in threads that still use this system.

I really do like the strain drawbacks that you've put on him! One of the best changes I've seen to this profile so far. However I'm still going to suggest instead of 4-5 strikes at 33% i suggest 3-4. Simply because hitting a opponent 3 times with this semblance brings him to 99% and when combined with his other abilities that is a lot. (I am also taking into account that the more he uses it the more his brain will be affected making it harder to stay focused and fight.)

Sides those two minor thing (numbers really) seems great!

Combat Behaviour

Ok so I'm really glad that you added a weakness now I just want you to flesh it out. Why is he so weak to close quarter combat? What about it puts him at a disadvantage? This part of combat should be just fleshed out as his strengths.

Starting to look a lot better.

Weapon

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CHANGING THE FORMAT THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER TO REVIEW AND READ.
Ok about the jump pack just for clarification, this isn't for sustained flight correct? Just for a more powerful temporary jump? Maybe even serving for a double jump (which sounds pretty cool now that I think about it). Also the flamethrower function is unnecessary when you look at the rest of the fire power that this weapon has. Considering it also is powered by gravity dust and kinetic dust doesn't seem necessary. Not to mention it kinda covers his only weakness by being able to keep everyone at a 9 meter distance.

For the gun part:
Ammo, I want to know how many grenades he has so he doesn't go infinitely bursting everyone down. I want to know how many seconds of continuous fire he can put enemies under before having to reload and before he's out of ammo all together. I want to know how many sniper shots he can dish out before he reloads and before he's out.

Small change
Quote
making metre-deep holes in just about anything,
If you could add organic to the end of that sentence it would be better suited for the profile of a first year. Just about anything covers waaaay too much.

Ok then I think we are pretty close to sending this to some higher-ups too look at. Keep going Nathan!
Griz Blancard 1st Year Student at Beacon"I need a nap"
Dorothy Burgundy 3rd Year Shade, Elite Scavenger "Treasure is everywhere, you just need to know where to look!"
Xavier Cendres2nd year Beacon "Everything can be solved with a wrench, screwdriver, and a whole lot of time"

nathan67003

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 1911
  • Karma:
    +138/-111
  • Personal Text
    Infinite ADHD Asperger's physicist monkeys
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2016, 07:26:06 AM »
Numbers unattainable shoved into a spoiler. If you look closely (I've put the line in italic and underlined it since then), there's a sentence saying you need to apply a 2x modifier to the cost. So 20% damage is literally 10% cost and 33% damage is 16% cost. :P

He can already only strike 4 times with the 33% damage, it's explicitely mentioned :P

He's just used to fighting with a staff and on a more distant, defensive stance. Added that.

Yes, that's it. He can't angle himself during a 'jump', although that jump can last several seconds - basically able to reach Beacon's roof, but incapable of actual flight. Removed the flamethrower part - put it into a spoiler marked "not now - for approved future development only".

2 grenades - was under the specifics, forgot to port it over. Due to how the stuffs work, he can handle at least 100 sniper shots per phial - which is already stated at the end of Dust functions. Again, due to how stuffs work, he can shoot well over 900 assault mode shots per crystal, and about 300 sniper shots per crystal. These are applied at the same time. Also, the weapon was designed with efficiency in mind, which kind of explains most of the above. He has 6 extra energy crystals on him and, uhh, 12 extra phials, if I remember correctly. These are stored in the pouches integrated to his harness.

Added that it's half as good at going through dense, non-organic stuff - half a metre.

Think that covers everything you mentioned.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2016, 07:41:01 AM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy Team BSEK Leader
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Team CBLT Leader
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team HTDG
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

Timeworker

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 162
  • Karma:
    +6/-1
  • Personal Text
    Natus es angelorum morientur gehennam ignis
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #25 on: October 07, 2016, 11:44:19 AM »
Ok I think this is ready for further review! I'll be sending this to the mods for their judgement of the profile but everything you've fixed seems good to me.
Griz Blancard 1st Year Student at Beacon"I need a nap"
Dorothy Burgundy 3rd Year Shade, Elite Scavenger "Treasure is everywhere, you just need to know where to look!"
Xavier Cendres2nd year Beacon "Everything can be solved with a wrench, screwdriver, and a whole lot of time"

jjb2158

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 417
  • Karma:
    +27/-0
  • Personal Text
    The Destroyer of Dreams & Expectations
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #26 on: October 07, 2016, 03:46:04 PM »
Okay, I'll take over from here. Let's get started, shall we? As always, I'm going to be VERY technical about things...because that's just how I am so deal with it :)

Combat Behavior:
I only see one weakness in that he isn't that great with close combat. However, his history states that he was trained in hand-to-hand combat like any other student, which has me led to believe that he would be average in close combat, thus not really being much of a weakness. Therefore, I would like to see at least 1-2 more weaknesses here and they need to be real weaknesses that would affect his fighting ability.

Semblance:
I do have some reserves in regard to the amount of aura damage the higher tiers can cause. Granted, the strain does help equalize it, but the concern is still there. I will let it go, but know that, should you not follow your own strains and limitations that you've placed and we hear about it, then I will further nerf this character down tremendously. Just count this as a friendly reminder as well as a warning, okay?

Weapon:
There are still a few concerns here and this is where I'm going to get extremely technical:
1. First, in regards to his second forms, you have down that he has good accuracy for his assault form and nearly perfect accuracy for the sniper form. Let me make one thing extremely clear here: the weapon is not the primary thing that makes a person have better accuracy. It is the person's skills as well as their ability to take the physics involved with shooting an accurate shot that makes them an accurate shooter. Nowhere in Nathan's history does it say that he went through extensive training to learn to shoot any weapons with good accuracy, let alone nearly perfect accuracy. I have a first year who spent his entire childhood learning how to shoot with pin-point accuracy and even he doesn't have nearly perfect accuracy. So, if my character who has spend most of his life shooting doesn't have nearly perfect accuracy, why should yours? With all of that said, I will have to say that you will need to reword his accuracy to fit his combat ability. I'm not saying he needs to be horrible at shooting, but I am saying that everything indicates that he would be simply average or slightly above average in his abilities.
2. You have down that his sniper mode is able to shoot a high-speed particle with almost perfect accuracy for up to several kilometers...

...several kilometers...

Now, the definition of several is "more than two, but not many". So, even if I took this at the minimum of 3 kilometers, that's basically saying that he could shoot with almost perfect accuracy to at least 1.6 miles or more. Currently, the worlds longest sniper shot is 1.54 miles and that is by a trained British Super Sniper who had spent years honing his ability to get that kind of a shot. With that all said, I will simply say that your character is getting a flat out no to being able to shoot something with almost perfect accuracy from several kilometers away.
3. You have down also that it is able to penetrate up to a meter deep into organic material due to its sheer speed. I'm going to ask this: how fast are you talking that his shots go? If you say that they go at least Mach 5 then I will flat out reject this weapon altogether. Please note: rifle bullets travel around 800-1,000 m/s (2,600 - 3,400 ft/s). Mach 5 is almost 5,500 ft/s and will not be allowed.
4.
Quote
Transformation can take as little as 0.1 seconds.
Hahahaha...no. Transformations of weapons do not take that short of a time. Lengthen that time.
5. Just to make it perfectly clear: when you say that the grenades have a blast radius of 10m you're referring to meters, right? Because that can be taken wrongly as miles instead of meters. Please word it so that it reads meters if that is what you're meaning because miles will not be allowed.
6. I thought I was done, but then I got to the dust functions...and got another white hair, which I will name after you...I understand that you want to make a character that is unique and different. However, when you do this, it makes things really difficult for us to approve as well as others to understand what you're trying to create. Everything I'm reading about this character points that this is a plasma weapon. You even use that word in the spoiler section in its history. Let me just put this out there: Plasma weapons of any form/kind are not allowed. That said, this weapon is denied until you change it so that it is not a plasma weapon and uses normal bullets like any normal weapon that every other student here uses.



I understand that you want your character to be different...different is good, but only within reason. Your character has been nerfed down a lot, but is still too OP in regards to his weapon, let alone using something that is not allowed. Remember, this character is a first year student. A FIRST YEAR STUDENT. He is not perfect nor is he able to fight on par with what an upper-class student or huntsman can do. Please address and fix everything I've listed above and I will then go through this character again.
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

nathan67003

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 1911
  • Karma:
    +138/-111
  • Personal Text
    Infinite ADHD Asperger's physicist monkeys
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #27 on: October 07, 2016, 07:43:11 PM »
Changed history instead. He really is shit at hand-to-hand. Removed that he 'mixes hand-to-hand with melee weapon combat'.

You have little idea how faithful I am to the character sheets without really trying :P

1. By 'perfect accuracy', I speak of the weapon's intrinsic accuracy. If the crosshair is over a target and, when the shot fires, the crosshair is still over the target, there are very, very good odds that it'll hit. I never meant to talk about anything other than the weapon's intrinsic accuracy. As you said, Nathan is merely a bit above average and just knows how to line up a reticle.
2. The reason it's precise at such a long range is that, unlike regular bullets, those tiny helium nuclei go so fast that wind, air density gradients, temperature and gravity don't really have the time to do anything to them. I situated the maximum range (which, while not explicitly stated, is 3 kilometres) as the point where if the crosshair says you're lined up and that, when the shot goes off, you're still lined up, there's a 50/50 chance you'll hit.
3. There are no bullets. It's, as stated, a burst of collimated, relativistic helium atoms (note that they're atoms, meaning they're electrically neutral) produced by a Dust-catalyzed boron-proton fusion reaction. There is no impact force to speak of - the entirety of the damage is caused but the projectiles' temperature.
4. Lengthened to 0.3 seconds. It's really just the staff portions extending, really. There are no complex mechanisms that deploy themselves.
5. Yes, internationally, "m" denotes meters. I believe "mi" denotes miles. As such, it shouldn't really cause misinterpretation, but I'll spell out "meters" if necessary.
6. That's literally the whole point of the weapon: by not using normal bullets, it's hundreds of times more efficient at ammo consumption. A single shot does 3% Aura damage - the same as what I gather is a normal bullet from a Dust assault rifle. They even look similar and travel at identical speeds.

As a last note, I assumed that the science behind the weapon, namely EM field theory and plasma physics, are sufficiently developed in Remnant at the 'current' time that anyone who bothers to do research can replicate the desired results. The fusion part is basically that his father is trying to explore nuclear physics (which I assume are almost fringe science because Dust) and that there are some untested hypotheses about fusion, like the possibility of proton-boron fusion. Nathan just made a 'fuel' mix, winged it and succeeded - after several years.
Additional note: No matter what the sniper shot is capable of doing when it misses, it does 20% damage to someone with average Aura: Nathan or Gray, for example. It is also unable to be effective in water, merely vaporizing it instead of making a hole in it like with organics.

I think I've addressed everything. If it's still no good, then his weapon will basically be non-functional for most of its ranged aspects until he gets them working later in his life.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2016, 12:55:15 PM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy Team BSEK Leader
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Team CBLT Leader
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team HTDG
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

jjb2158

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 417
  • Karma:
    +27/-0
  • Personal Text
    The Destroyer of Dreams & Expectations
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #28 on: October 08, 2016, 08:36:06 PM »
Okay, many of my previous points were actually not dealt with. Please look back at my last post to see the detailed reasons why I said things, but here's the simple version:

Combat Behavior:
He has only one weakness. Add one to two more real, legitimate weaknesses and I'll be fine with this section.

Weapon:
1. Remove the almost perfect accuracy. It doesn't matter whether you line up a shot in the cross-hair. Wind, gravity, and movement of the object will ALWAYS affect the shot. The bullet will have to go at almost the speed of light to not be affected by these things and your weapon will never get that fast of a shot. Ever.
2. Transformation of 0.3 seconds is still not allowed. Watch the show: every person's weapon transformation takes at least 2 seconds. Your weapon is no different.
3. Your weapon shoots plasma type bullets, which I distinctively said no to. I will not approve this weapon until you change it from plasma type shots to regular dust bullets. I also want to know how fast this gun shoots so put the fps that the gun fires at in its description.

Yes, you've addressed all the things I've said, but have either made no changes or made such minimal changes that they don't even change anything. This is now my second time having to tell you all this. Everything that I said earlier are not suggestions, they are demands. Either you change these things or I will have this weapon outright banned and you will need to restart.
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

nathan67003

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 1911
  • Karma:
    +138/-111
  • Personal Text
    Infinite ADHD Asperger's physicist monkeys
    • View Profile
Re: Nathan Eau
« Reply #29 on: October 08, 2016, 08:39:55 PM »
Shoved second form under spoiler as 'currently not functional'. Should solve everything, really.

EDIT: Made weapon transformation 2 seconds.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2016, 09:06:12 PM by nathan67003 »
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy Team BSEK Leader
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Team CBLT Leader
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team HTDG
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Definitely not Johnny"
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

 

Powered by EzPortal