Author Topic: Mordecai Alodis  (Read 899 times)

Draven45

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Mordecai Alodis
« on: December 22, 2016, 03:11:11 PM »
Name: Mordecai Alodis

Age:16(Beacon Year One)
Birthday:Tulikuuma 13, 89 AC

Species and Gender:
Human Male

Symbol:
A coiled black Dragon that has two swords sticking into it.

Occupation:
Combat Academy Student(A Slacker Prodigy.)

Appearance:
Everyone thinks that he would've been fat if it wasn't for his mother. But he stands at a healthy 187 Lbs. and has a brown holster for his weapons. Has Dark Blue eyes149 cm. Teenager with a torn brown hoodie. Has a Black and White skull T-shirt and his jeans are torn at the knees.

History:
The Alodis family. A family that has been shrouded in mystery and secrets. People never have met any of this family that don't seem to have secrets. All those that do know about this family have either met an 'unfortunate' fate or went missing. But notes have said that the family has connections with some very powerful and very dangerous criminals. But the only boy, Mordecai, the Slacker Prodigy in fighting, was a strange case. He was an open book compared to the rest!
His mother, Marilenne, trained him in the art of using two daggers in combat. His father Damian, however, was a Hunter that had tried to get Mordecai to get serious about becoming a Hunter. He was against it until his father passed and his mother went missing. Fatherless at age 10, he promised his father's grave that he would become a Hunter!

Personality:
A slacker like mentality with a whole lot of, 'I'll do it later.' And 'What a pain.' with some 'Why do I care?'  Prefers to sleep and play Creek Fighter all day.

Aura and Semblance:
Aura:
Shielding(Passive), Blast(Trained).
Semblance:
Enlightenment. By focusing some of his aura into his speed, everything around Mordecai starts to slow down around him, giving off that he's slowing down time, but he's actually moving faster than everyone else. allowing him to dodge or attack his foes in the slowed down world. This ability can be drawn out longer, but it drains Mordecai's Aura. Can currently use this for 6 seconds without draining.

Combat Behavior:
This is where his entire demeanor changes. It's almost like he's another person. He gets into a stance, dashes in and attacks at openings and sometimes head-on.



WEAPON

Name: Black-Talons
Two Machine gun Pistol-Daggers that have a Black and Silver color scheme.


Primary Form
Two black Daggers with a Silver Streak going down the blade. Has a chamber for three types of Dust Powders. The Dust can be used to amplify attacks, like Wiess' Myrtnaster.

Secondary Form
Two Machine-gun Pistols that uses the three types of Powder for Ranged attacks. The streak now covers the middle part of them.

Dust Functions
Fires one of the three types of Dust: Fire, Lightning, Ice.

« Last Edit: December 22, 2016, 07:05:03 PM by Draven45 »

Xarias Fury

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Re: Mordecai Alodis
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2016, 02:22:53 AM »
Well, for one I'd like to see everything properly laid out. Not underlined, bold and whatnot. Fix the formatting.

Appearance. You don't mention anything other than him being fat while wearing punk clothes. Add more to this section. Does he look like an emo goth teen to match the punk theme? Is his face pudgy? Hair length and color? Weapon holsters, backpacks he brings often etc etc?

History is kind of bland. Mysterious assassin(?) family dies off leaving a hearty teen with daggers. Expound. Also I advise you read a bit more profiles and maybe the guide I made before expanding into dangerous territory.

Personality. EXPAND. EXTRAPOLATE! FLESH IT OUT! In short, add more.

Semblance. Sigh. Expand. Extrapolate, fleh it out add more yadda yadda yadda. I see no limitations and whatnot, only an excuse to dodge every single thing that's thrown at him.

Combat behaviour. Contradicts what little personality you stated earlier. And that's a very little bit. ALso, expand something something flesh it out a bit more. and by a bit I mean a lot more.

Weapon is actually a bit fine. could use more description.


All in all the profile is lacking in most departments and would need serious rewriting. I suggest reading other profiles to see how detailed and descriptive they usually are. As well as balancing your characters strengths and weaknesses. If all we accepted were things as lightly written as these you'd have several dozens of other guys that are nigh identical to this one.



Students
Wisteria Lockheart - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Don't make me throw a book at you"
Shiroe Pendragon - 1st Year Student at beacon - "This is my monochrome reality" - Team MARS
Lavender du Lac - 1st Year Student at Haven -  "The harder I try the further things drift away." Team RWND
Ayaka Miyamoto - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Tsubame Gaeshi!" - Team ALIA
Vermilion Desdemona - 3rd Year Student at Beacon - "Only time you'd be above me is when your head rests on my pike"
Talen de L'eglantine - 3rd Year Student at Beacon
Kei Almas - 4th Year Student at Beacon - "Everything is ripe for the taking!"
Aurum LeBlanc - 3rd Year Student at Atlas - "Lay back, take it easy, and watch the comedy unfold"

Professors
Professor William Nox - "To contain the world in a grain of dust *EXPOROSION*

Dr. Gustave

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Re: Mordecai Alodis
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2017, 03:36:59 PM »
Moving to MIA
Atlas: ShowHide
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Mistral: ShowHide
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Vacuo: ShowHide
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Vale: ShowHide
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C