Author Topic: Aliez Dyer  (Read 704 times)

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Aliez Dyer
« on: December 09, 2016, 07:02:50 PM »
CHARACTER

Name: Aliez Dyer

Age: 17

Species and Gender: Human female

Symbol:  tree without leaves with a sword outline in the trunk

Occupation: 1st year Beacon student

Appearance: 5'10" 118lbs thin and curvy. Brown hair and eyes. White skin. Multiple scars from whips and knives on her back.

Attire:

Combat: wears black tee shirt and jeans with black military boots and black padded fingerless gloves. Large dark brown cloak with hood (Signature piece). Black Combat belt with punches.

Casual: brown shirt with black pants with cloak (occasionally)

History: She and her brother were born in a village far outside Vale to a former huntsman father and farmer mother. They grew up training under their father until the age of 9 (Aliez) and 10 (Abel) when a Grimm attack destroyed the town and their father protected them until he fell to the Grimm. The siblings were forced into the forest with only their weapons which were family heirlooms and their fathers former weapons and the clothes on their back, heading In the only direction they knew civilization was, a nearby village. Cold, scared, sad, and alone the siblings ventured into the forest until they stumbled upon a small house. Before they could investigate they where taken prisoner by a White Fang team hiding in the forest.

They spent nearly a year being held
By the White Fang as slaves, just for being human. Aliez was whipped and beaten by the terrorists often (thus the scars on her back). One day they decided that it was the day to finally leave. So after countless times of giving up on life she finally brought about the willpower. Aliez was able to entirely encase herself and Abel in her Invisibility and alluded the soldiers. After they were clear Aliez passed out from near total aura loss and fatigue. Abel carried her to the near by kingdom of Vale with help of a trade caravan that they came along.

 Once in the city they stayed with an uncle of their father who was also a huntsman. The two eventually attended signal academy and were complete outcastes and only stood with each other. Once their time at Signal was over they applied for a spot at Beacon academy. After a long waiting period they were finally accepted. So their first year began and they are curious as to what awaits them.

Personality: very withdrawn with her emotions but is willing to talk to others. She never lets anyone (except her brother) get to close to her on a mental and emotional level. She has trust issues and it's hard to have her trust anyone (except brother). She is very aggressive when provoked and doesn't back down from a fight. It's hard to make her break and show too much emotion. However, despite her lack of trust in others and withdrawn personality she still manages to make friends and be friendly with others. Her grades are exemplary (much better then her brother). She only shows love for those she has been through alot with (such as brother). During her time as a slave to the White Fang she went into a high state of depression, once out and amoung other humans she is slowly coming out of her depressed state.

Aura and Semblance:

aura color: brown

Semblance:

Invisibility: Her aura bends light around her making her invisible for a short duration(5% per 30secs). The only way to identify her presence is to hear her or see the blur she resonates

Combat Behavior:  she tends to stay at range and use her marksman skills to take out her enemies. If she is pulled into a close quarter scenario she slightly lacks in her hand to hand combat.

WEAPON

Name: Witchunter

Primary Form: medium sized black metal marksman rifle. Can use dust ammunition. 30rnd magazine. High velocity high impact rounds.

Dust Functions: uses dust ammo to double it's velocity and impact.

History: a hand me down weapon from her parents that she took from her village before it was destroyed.

Weapon 2

Name: Sol & Luna

Primary Form: two silver and black trench knives

History: the knives were a gift from her uncle

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Re: Aliez Dyer
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2016, 11:28:37 AM »
*poke

Kingnoname1

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Re: Aliez Dyer
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2016, 01:06:58 AM »
I just want to say given your characters height and weight they are unlikely 'curvy' a BMI of 16.9 is fairly under weight. In her backstory see can cover others with her semblance but you don't mention how much that draws on her reserves. Your backstory also seems a bit hollow; why do they want to be hunters? how long did they spend as slaves? what did the white fang have them do? why where they outcasts at signal? did that change by the end of their schooling? Did their great uncle have any influence on them.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

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Re: Aliez Dyer
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2016, 09:20:57 PM »
Sorry for the delay here! Everyone has been busy with Finals and holidays so we haven't had much of a chance to do any reviews. I'll go ahead and do your first review, but first things first...

Kingnoname1, while I do appreciate you wanting to help with the reviewing process (your review was pretty decent), there is one thing that I  want to make sure you're aware of. Any character that is in the Character Creation section can only be reviewed by those who are authorized to do reviews. If you desire to do reviews, then you're free to do a character review on any WIP characters. Hope you understand.

That said, here's my review:

Appearance:
Your appearance section is very lacking and leaves much to wonder. If she was placed before you, what are some other things you would notice? Try and describe every aspect of her to the best of your ability so that the rest of us who read this profile would see how she looks.

History:
A couple things here:
1. How was her aura unlocked so that she could use her semblance?
2. I was gonna hit this later, but I'll talk about it now: how is she still able to have her family weapon? I'm going to guess that the WF took their weapons away, so how does she have it now?

Personality:
Okay, I have one problem with her personality. You have down that she has trust issues and is very withdrawn. However, then you do a complete 180 and say that she is friendly with others. Considering the extent of her history, I find that EXTREMELY improbable. Being a slave and whipped non-stop for a year will take a huge toll on her personality and even traumatizing her extensively. Saying that she is still friendly with others and able to make friends in spite of all she's been through just doesn't fit here. My suggestion would be to either take that part away, or put something in her history showing how she was able to overcome her traumas and be able to somewhat make friends with others around her. I will say this: with you putting down that they were outcasts while at Signal, the latter choice is highly unlikely.

TL;DR - Either keep it all the way with the dark history and have it completely affect her personality, or get rid of most of the dark history.

Semblance:
A few things here:
1. Being able to go invisible for 30 seconds for only 5% is too OP. Either lower the duration or up the cost.
2. How long can she use it at one time?
3. What are the drawbacks/strains to using her semblance? Every semblance has some.
4. Just so it's perfectly clear here: Having complete invisibility is too OP and will not be allowed. That said, I know you've indicated it, but please make it very clear that it's not complete invisibility. While you're at it, please indicate how much of a blur someone would see if she was moving?

Combat Behavior:
This section is extremely lacking. Please put more down to describe her combat style as well as her strengths and weaknesses.

Weapon:
A couple things here:
1. What dust types does she use? Also, to say that it doubles the velocity is taking it too far. You can have it increase the velocity to an extent, but not doubling it.
2. As I hit it before, how does she have her family weapon now? How was she able to steal it from the WF when she escaped?

That should cover it for me. Aside from everything I've said, Kingnoname1 also did bring up some valid points so I suggest you look at what they said also.
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

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Re: Aliez Dyer
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2017, 01:32:16 PM »
Moved to MIA
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder of Team PLSM (Plasma)

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

 

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