Author Topic: Ezrin Lore  (Read 1214 times)

Synchro1

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Ezrin Lore
« on: June 04, 2017, 04:53:14 PM »
CHARACTER

Name: Ezrin Lore (No color pun here, i just watched something to do with star wars...)

Age: 17, Frost 14

Species and Gender: Faunus Grizzly Bear, Male

Symbol:  It is a dragon that has curled up into a ball, with its wings being the outer shell of the circle. It is located on his left shoulder, black as night.

Spoiler: Image • show


Occupation: Beacon Student, Year 1

Appearance: Ezrin is a white-skinned, scrawny, 5'7 kid with light-blue, short hair, and light blue eyes that he inherited by his father. He weighs at least 145 lbs., (~66 kg) and is often seen wearing a black hood on at times, as well as a black T-shirt, with black and white riding gloves that are fingerless. He has a black gauntlet on his right arm, and wears running shoes and black pants. He usually sounds monotone and uninterested in anything, and his school uniform is usually worn, but only when required. He hates the uniform, design wise. He has bear ears, which are usually covered up.

Spoiler: Appearance • show


History: Ezrin was always supposed to be a sort of spy, for people who offered the help. It was in his blood, his genome, but he wanted to escape his cruel fate implanted by his father. His semblance always seemed to lurk nearby too, as if it were waiting for the right time. Before that story continues into the next chapter, let's skip to the Prologue, what happened before he was born.

Ezrin had a father who generally often got what he wanted due to his ability to complete favors, whether it be tracking quests, or assassination attempts. But on a particular day, he was given a certain quest to do that changed the events of his life. His father was asked to go and follow a girl and report on her wanderings, but when he saw the person to follow, he stopped, dead in his tracks and fell in love. Instead of reporting, he followed her wherever she went, and when hidden completely by shadow, he would strike up a small conversation with her, usually telling her a warning or a life lesson. Soon, he met the girl face to face, and she took in his fabulous features, and they had a fabulous life together. . . before the guy came back and nearly killed Ezrin's father. Ezrin's mom stepped in to save him, succeeding in fending him off. Ezrin's mother then bore Ezrin, and was killed by the same man who nearly killed his father, hidden in an alley on a desolated day, where everyone was stuck inside. It poured rain, and his footsteps were light. Mother was near the alley, the time would be soon. Then, when she appeared, he struck, as the clock workshop nearby ticked, tocked, and toiled. Then, it was the same exact time as before with father, but nobody to help him. Except for his only important associate, Klein. Klein took Ezrin, and hid him in a training camp he ran, hoping to toughen him up.

At the age of 6, he had learned how to hide himself very easily, with his semblance. Klein had made a promise that he would teach a weapon that Ezrin had wanted, but only after his sixth birthday. A month after it, and he hadn't been taught anything yet. He was told to wait, and it was driving him crazy, not knowing when it would happen. Klein came out of a secret tunnel, surprising him. "Dang it, Klein! Stop spooking me!" Klein only laughed, and showed him to the Metalworking section of his hidden base near the region of Vale. In there was an anvil, a smeltery, as well as a storage cell next to it filled with a bunch of materials from all over the regions. "For an entire year, Ezrin, you'll learn the importance of metalworking and creativity. In the back there are drawing tables with blueprints. Choose one of them and bring it over, kid." Ezrin looked at them, before choosing the one that looked like a katana. "Ah, the old Katana. Your father would be proud." Ezrin winced at that, and began extracting material from the back room, mostly steel and iron, and began melting it into the cast iron as the sword became mangled after a few hits on the anvil. Fast forward a year, after his Seventh Birthday, and he had made his sword into the best it could ever be. That year of his life is over, and so has his history, until Signal passed him to Beacon.

Ezrin's years in Signal were rather hazy. He always seemed to do well in classes, except that really, really evil time in classes where he was constantly harassed by people to prove he had a weak point. It was in the middle of combat training and one of the many kids who were harassing him was facing against him. The ref conducted a one-on-one battle, and the opponent taunted him to go first.  He hid himself using his semblance, and took the opponent from behind the back, wringing his arm to the back, all within 7 minutes and 32 seconds. Since that day, everyone harassed him, due to the fact that .

Personality: Ezrin is usually quiet, cold, detached and would rather not make connections, as the connections could be used against him. Other times, he turns into a relatively normal being, usually after a rush of adrenaline. Ezrin is smart, and can be clumsy when he wants to escape something. He likes people who often have the courage to fight back in dire times, people who he can trust and those who can cook. He dislikes those who give up, the type of people who ask him questions he doesn't want answers and he especially dislikes those who feel the need to harass him to figure out a weak point. Academically he does fine.

Aura and Semblance: Bright white

His semblance is called Light Manipulation, and as his semblance says, he can manipulate light to his being. right now all he can do is make himself invisible, but will learn more as time goes on.

He can hide himself within the visible light spectrum, but can be seen by other frequencies and can flicker when near radio waves. He can stay hidden in 25 second bursts. However, he can still be heard and still has mass, meaning that even if he is invisible, he can be spotted by his movements, and the sounds nearby. His semblance has a ten second cooldown, but if Ezrin extends his time, the cooldown doubles. He casts no shadow while this occurs, due to the fact that he bends light around him to form a cloak. The semblance burns up roughly 5% each time, but the longer it takes, it goes to 10%, then 15%, so on.

Combat Behavior:  In combat he is rather weak, as he would rather make peace with others. but when the ability to fight is all he has, then he can be pretty ruthless, as he can chain combos successively. He prefers to take a hidden ambush tactic, hiding in plain sight, then surprising the enemy by appearing and taking them out. He uses his surroundings to his advantage, so if there would be a wall around, he can jump off it or run on it, as well as if he is in a forest. When it comes to the "true" battle, the ones he can't escape, he fights with his stronger attacks first, to try and get rid of the problem first. He has some hand to hand training, but isn't very well at using it. He stumbles a lot, and tries too hard to predict movement, especially since he isn't really strong physically.

WEAPON

Name: Katana

Primary Form: A Japanese katana made of steel and iron.
Spoiler: Looks • show


History: He had made this in Signal at the beginning of his second year. After that, he made many modifications.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2017, 07:32:47 PM by Synchro1 »
WIP David Stride --- The Ironic Swordsman

ecksdeeeXD

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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2017, 09:05:46 PM »
Hiya! Sorry this took so long! Busy schedules and irl stuff but hopefully this'll go smoothly form here on out :D

First of all, good job from Name down to appearance. Images aren't required but they're a good way to show appearances. Though I'll ask you to add his year level in his occupation for more clarity. Also, curious as to whether his name has a color reference or allusion to anything. Not a requirement but it's always interesting.

Although I'll have to point out. Given the various fight scenes in the show that have them in uniform, I'd find it highly unlikely that they limit movement.

For History, so it's a given that ninja-clans are a thing? Also, what do you mean by hiding himself. Did he unlock his semblance at 6 years old? Another thing. How do you hide in an arena? Again, if this is his semblance, please point it out.  Also a little cliche but that isn't a problem.

For Personality, just pointing out that hiding and back stabbing isn't really what I'd call "excelling at combat."

Semblance seems balanced enough though gonna ask how much aura does using his semblance burn?

Combat behavior needs a little more explanation. How is he in team fights, is he good against melee or ranged, does he have good hand to hand skill without his weapon, more weaknesses than just "he's a pacifist" essentially.

For the weapon, no dust functions? Also, what are the modifications that are mentioned? Purely aesthetic or functional? Also... I'm not sure that image is a katana.

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Synchro1

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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2017, 09:24:15 PM »
Thanks for the edit ideas, but i may have to correct you on some of the points. Or rather clear up the problems. god, i suck at this...

Weapon: Yes, no dust functions. Yes, it is a katana. It's called the Auspicious Katana and it is from Runescape. (Send help.)

Name: No pun here. Like said, I watched a star wars TV show that had the main character as Ezra. that's the basis for the name. the last name was because i delved deep into lore before, for a series in which there was backstory. like every other video game series (Ace Attorney)

Personality: I did state that he performs combos, right? Hard to tell. i totally did, bro/girl/it/whatever you prefer Regardless, I edited that out.
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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2017, 02:51:31 AM »
Alright. I'd just like to ask what you changed with history. Also, what do you mean by chain combos?
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Synchro1

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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2017, 09:35:28 AM »
For history, I added the semblance when he goes invisible. Chained combos are when you perform one combo, then immediately switch to the next one.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2017, 06:36:11 PM by Synchro1 »
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Synchro1

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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2017, 10:42:10 PM »
Bump?
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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2017, 09:57:17 AM »
Oh! Sorry about that. I thought I'd already replied to this. Well, alright then. Thanks for clearing that up. Well, my last thing is... are you certain you want this character's history to be like that? It's kinda got an "edgey for edge's sake" vibe to it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. No rules broken there, but it's kind of a cliche/common dark past background, no offense :O
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Synchro1

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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2017, 01:45:02 PM »
I never really wanted to paint him as edgy, but rather like that weird antisocial kid. I'll keep it like that, to be honest.
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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2017, 11:59:26 PM »
Ok then. Well, if you're alright with that, approved 1 of 2!
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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2017, 11:42:16 PM »
As much as I'd like to revoke the current approval it probably won't stand. Now, we've noticed (this review has been done as a group with fellow staff members so it's a general consensus) you've had two characters before and have been on the site for quite some time already. Usually we expect improvement for both the writer's sakes and the readers but there are some points in the profile that we've taken concern with.

First of all

That image is way too damned big. Now I know we're not all computer geniuses but a simple google search won't harm anyone, but we've taken the liberty of offering you a properly sized image, courtesy of DrGustave. As well as a somewhat improved symbol, in our opinion.

http://i.imgur.com/1eWZdSJ.jpg and http://i.imgur.com/0Rhk0uD.png

We won't always be doing this kind of stuff for you and usually we'd ask to remove it, or most people ignore it. So next time, please do better.

Faunus type. Bear.

No features whatsoever nor is it mentioned anywhere else on the profile. I'm not sure what you're trying to do here but faunus' usually aren't a faunus by name. They have features, usually one but we allow two or more given some circumstances. Appearance doesn't show any sort of faunus feature and that badly represented face claim doesn't help either.

Regarding appearance, All black clothes. As an older member we expect people to not be so lazy as to just use the classic 'hoody, tshirt, pants" combo. Now, if you think this is really what you want go ahead but I won't say it's good. He hates the uniform for some odd reason, which is never explained, and his hair and skin is white. White? his face claim shows a black haired, blue eyed, boy. I won't be editing anything but if you can please try and change the face claim to match. Like color the hair at least. I could google black haired black hoody anime boy and hundreds of similar images would pop up, it probably won't be hard to do, just saying.

He's also around 5'7 and weighs "at least"(?) 115 lbs. That's pretty underweight for a male of his age and don't justify little girl with giant scythe just cuz it's rwby. Using that logic it'll mean that bigger characters would grow in strength as well and it won't really be an advantage, more on that in history. He's scrawny, actually probably more on the gaunt side, and wants to fight. He needs to build up some muscle by at least another 15 lbs or 30 even.

History

Quote
Ezrin was always supposed to be a ninja

Red flag right there. The problem with this is, well, we don't know if ninjas are or were even a thing in remnant. Sure it's possible but within the whole history the only thing ninja like mentioned is somewhat spying and assassinations. Historically Ninjas, or shinobi no mono were not ONLY assassins. If I were to give them a counterpart it would be that of a government secret agent of sorts. Undercover work as a spy, maybe forgery, MAYBE assassination, heck their were even samurai who were ninja, so generic fanatsy ninja is really not something you should be looking up to. Now, the main reason I'm not leaning towards this whole ninja thing is the fact that the only ninja thing in the whole profile is...nothing really. Assassination and tracking isn't a purely ninja thing to do and also you have plenty of counteracting clauses.

Quote
Ezrin had a father who always got what he wanted due to his ability to complete favors flawlessly, whether it be tracking quests, or assassination attempts.
How do you do something flawlessly and only get an assassination 'attempt'? Semantics, i know but i'd prefer you not go for the 'flawless parent figure' only for him to be offed by a mysterious attacker who we never hear from again.

Now, since the history is basically a copy paste of your former histories with some added fluff, I'll address a more prominent problem. Reading back on a few of your older profiles you seem to have gone with the formula:

Edgey kid. Edgey problem. Dead Parents. Mysterious Mentor. Beacon.

Now, see here we can keep the history as is, with no further mention of ninja stuff in further...

But that this is your third character and we want something higher quality from the writing. The history presented, whether intentional or not, is very cliche and edgy. Not just the image of an anti social kid. After reading the past two character's histories, they all seem to have a very cut and paste format of losing the parents, or being taken away, and then a mysterious benefactor taking them in and training them in secret arts for 4 or so years. We aren't trying to be harsh, we're simply trying to point out the problems in the writing so you can grow as an author and creator.
If he has a good reason, sure
But the current reason is nothing.

Regarding the bullying aspect now. You state he was bullied before and during one well regulated battle, with rules, and a referee, he managed to beat one bully within half a minute by activating his semblance and pinning him down. With the current weapon being...a katana(seriously?) and the fact that he's scrawny little kid, I'd highly attribute this to the bully being an idiot rather than Ezrin being a badass. You see, he's light as a feather and has no wrestling experience, that makes pinning a probably heavier, just as well trained SIGNAL student highly unlikely. Half a minute isn't even that impressive since spars usually won't go beyond a certain extent because these are students and we don't want them missing classes because they got the shit kicked out of them.

Now. Let's assume he did win with pure skill alone (or idiot bully is an idiot), the other bullies wouldn't say 'oh, this guy is a badass. let's leave him alone." No, more often than not they'd want retribution for their humiliated comrade and pay him back tenfold. I doubt mr ninja child can handle even two signal trained enemies and don't see he can because he seems to be more of an ambush fighter( with a katana?) than a professionally upfront fighter like Pyrrah, which we'll never allow. Pyrrah was the obligatory super kid and paid the price, that was the show and we won't be allowing super good fighters who can take on whole teams by themselves.

Now, to address this problem I can suggest one of two things. One, the bullies weren't really that good at all, with barely passing combat grades and were complete idiots and cowards who got in because they were barely acceptable, which explains why they left him alone. Or two, the more dramatic and probably character development reason being that he got left alone for a while but the bullying got worse and his ninja tactics didn't save him this time.


Personality is as expected of the generic edgey type. Come on, you can do better than that. If you look for the myriad of other edgey characters around they'd have near copy pasted personalities. Wants to be alone, doesn't trust people, then suddenly a complete 180 for some odd reason just so they can fit into normal threads. Don't be lazy, actually think about this section because making stuff up on the fly during threads equates to you doing the same thing for each and every single one of your future characters as well. Also, it's not interesting or original to say the least. Half of his personality section is just likes and dislikes, it would be better if you fleshed out his personality more. How does he feel about bullying? About school? About the dog eat dog world that wants to rip the guts out of anyone willing to venture outside the walls? THINK, then write. Or read up on more stuff and don't just use generic boring anime cliches as a sole basis. Themes work out, allusions, he's a friggin ninja child! Maybe he lies, maybe he cheats, maybe hes an observant character, maybe he intentionally avoids social contact out of paranoia! This is one of the most important sections because it's what determines how you actually USE your character rather than making up posts on the fly for the heck of it.

Semblance.

How does his invisibility work? Reflection? Refraction? Because mere light manipulation won't make him nigh invisible. What happens when he attacks? Does the invisibility dispel? Would he possibly be able to do smoke and mirrors tricks in the future? Effective area if he can? Expand.

Combat Behaviour

Now, this is where it contradicts with that piece of info you gave during history that made all the big bad bullies fear him.

Quote
In combat he is rather weak, as he would rather make peace with others. but when the ability to fight is all he has, then he can be pretty ruthless, as he can chain combos successively.
Neither of those really justify what happened because all you said he did was pin down the enemey. Also, it's contradicting. Either he's weak in combat or he's not. Pick one. Or give a proper situational approach rather than he's bad but then he's good, it doesn't make sense.

It appears he's an ambush fighter so it's more likely he's on the weaker side on one on one combat. Don't just add 'he can be pretty ruthless' just as an excuse to go berserk like a hundred other oc's out there.

Quote
When it comes to the "true" battle, the ones he can't escape, he fights with his stronger attacks first, to try and get rid of the problem first. He has some hand to hand training, but isn't very well at using it. He stumbles a lot, and tries too hard to predict movement, especially since he isn't really strong physically.

Again, contradicting. He can pretty much go all out then suddenly he stumbles and...thinks too much?? That won't really happen in combat because he's pretty much gonna be relying on instinct and not his brain too much. If he did he'd stick to the ambush tactics. Give him a damned smoke bomb, isn't this a ninja?

Weapon.

Katana.

That's it..?No further description? No history? Oh, because I missed this earlier let me cover it.

HE MADE IT WHEN HE WAS 6 YEARS OLD???? At that age most kids are still eating glue and throwing rocks at trees and playing with sticks. Change it. Making a forged weapon that lasted till Beacon when he was six is dumb. Bump it up to his actual academy stuff because that's where they're taught to make it and all that jazz.

GLORIOUS NIPPON STEEL FOLDED 1000000000000000000000 TIMES!


 



« Last Edit: June 16, 2017, 06:31:09 AM by Dr. Gustave »
Students
Wisteria Lockheart - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Don't make me throw a book at you"
Shiroe Pendragon - 1st Year Student at beacon - "This is my monochrome reality" - Team MARS
Lavender du Lac - 1st Year Student at Haven -  "The harder I try the further things drift away." Team RWND
Ayaka Miyamoto - 1st Year student at Beacon. "Tsubame Gaeshi!" - Team ALIA
Vermilion Desdemona - 3rd Year Student at Beacon - "Only time you'd be above me is when your head rests on my pike"
Talen de L'eglantine - 3rd Year Student at Beacon
Kei Almas - 4th Year Student at Beacon - "Everything is ripe for the taking!"
Aurum LeBlanc - 3rd Year Student at Atlas - "Lay back, take it easy, and watch the comedy unfold"

Professors
Professor William Nox - "To contain the world in a grain of dust *EXPOROSION*

Dr. Gustave

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Re: Ezrin Lore
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2017, 02:29:28 PM »
Moving this to MIA.
Spoiler: Atlas • show
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117
Spoiler: Mistral • show
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
White Fang Captain: Cornix ~ Survivor of Mistral and Captain in Vale
Speaking: #D0DAE0 Thinking: #BCC6CC
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76
Spoiler: Vacuo • show
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D
Spoiler: Vale • show
Huntress: Malina Nahualli ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #B3346C Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C

 

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