Author Topic: Cyan Rivers  (Read 3494 times)

Jaida

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Cyan Rivers
« on: March 04, 2017, 07:54:57 AM »
So I was going through and looking at somethings, since I am writing fan fiction and decided I did not the name so I went with something else and changed one of the outfits.

Name: Cyan Rivers

Nickname: Cy

Age: 17

Species and Gender: Human / Female

Symbol:  Two sides of a heart with a star in the middle

Occupation: First year student at beacon

Appearance: Cyan is 163cm (5’4”) tall and weighs 130lbs. She has pale skin with floor length cyan blue hair pulled into 4 Panda buns and Marine blue colored eyes with an Cyan blue outer ring. Her eyes are taller and narrow with a smaller nose. Her eyebrows are slim and sit an inch above her eyes. She has some muscle on her arms and legs due to her training at Signal.

Outfit 1: Cyan kimono-like top with the dark blue Obi belt around the breasts. Cyan knee-length open fronted skirt with white birds at the hem. Dark blue shorts. Dark blue half of a heart with a red border on the right side where the shorts and skirt meet. A red half of a heart with a dark blue border on the left, and a cyan and dark blue tie dye star in the between the two halves. Around her neck is a pure gold multi pointed star with white crystals in it. On her wrists were gold multi pointed stars with white crystals as well. On her ear lobes dangling by a line of white crystals attached to each other were a pair of gold multi-pointed stars as well and had white crystals in them as well.

Outfit 2: The shirt is a cyan colored over the shoulder long sleeve leotard. The skirt that is both dark blue and cyan blue on top and two dark blue under layers with dark blue shorts underneath the skirt. The shoes are dark blue flats that have cyan blue ribbon that wraps around the leg. On her hands are wrist length finger-less gloves. Around her neck is a dark blue choker with a dark blue heart inside a cyan blue heart


History: When Cyan was 10 years old, there was a storm and her home town was attacked and destroyed. The people of the village were taking care of her since her mother, Amethyst, died protecting them in the last grim raid upon their village some few years back after Cyan was born. Nothing is known about the father since two of the villagers had found Amethyst not long before cyan was born. When three of the grim went to attack Cyan her semblance and Aura was released. Her Aura exploded sending all grim in every direction destroying the three that had come at her. A nearby group of hunters that were sent towards the village to stop the attack watched as all grim were thrown back and the closest three destroyed. When they finally reached the village they saw the young child, but to everyone’s surprise she didn’t have the slightest scratch so out of curiosity she was brought to vale after destroying the rest.

After waking up in the hospital, she was visited by the headmaster of signal who proposed the idea of entering his academy and ultimately to teach her control of her own abilities. But because her power is stronger than the average child at that age she stays away from everyone. Avoiding the possibility of hurting them until the day that she can keep her control from slipping.

During her time at signal she learned the control for her semblance and aura, but there were still some mishaps. Some bullies targeted her and tormented her the first year. Finally half-way through the second year she lost control of her emotions and with her semblance lashed out at the bullies. The three boys, Oliver, Ian and Xavier thought it would be fun to get a big bucket of water and dump it on her. Ice shards formed from the water particles around them and off her clothes and flew at the three. If it wasn’t for one of the teachers, the boys would have been killed.
A year later a new student by the name of Rouge Micheals transferred to signal Academy and attached herself to Cyan becoming her first and only friend there. With the next 3 and a half years, Rouge helps Cyan learn to control her abilities better around people, and not to falter under the pressure.

They finished their time at signal and now they are starting at Beacon as 1st year students.


Personality: When you first meet Cyan, she is Shy. To the outside world she looks like she is an outcast, but to her friends, she is the sweetest thing ever. Talk about a wolf in sheep’s clothes. Piss her off and she will give you a reason on why there is the quote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. She can be very protective of those she sees as friends or family. She does have a high confidence in herself (most of the time) and sometimes does not understand sarcasm very often. She believes everyone it equal, so it doesn’t matter what race you are. She is not a big fan of bullies, especially after how the three boys treated her. Her biggest fears are Lightning storms, Beringel and Geist type grim.

Aura: Cyan’s Aura is normally a Bright Cyan Blue. Especially when her Shield and Regeneration. She is better skilled at defending and blocking attacks with her Aura. When she uses her Semblance, her aura turns to an icy blue color.

Semblance: Hydrokinesis. The longer she uses her semblance the larger the Cyan ring gets. Her semblance allows her to use all forms of water and use it with her weapons. Once the Cyan ring hits the black of her pupil it starts to deplete her stamina.

Combat Behavior: When in combat Cyan gains a calculative outlook and is able to adapt in battle. She is better with close and mid-range attacks. With her twin blades, sword and shield as her closed ranged weapon forms and her pistols as her mid-ranged weapon form. She is more susceptible to long range attacks. Even though Cyan has some hand-to-hand combat skill, she prefers her twin blades. With her Hydrokinesis she likes to turn the water particles in the air into ice shards and fling them at her enemies (this works better at mid-range). She keeps a pouch of water that has enough water to form new twin blades if she is separated from her own twin blades. She can also use that to form some daggers.

WEAPON

Name: Mizu and Korii

Primary Form: Twin Blades :1:  Mizu (water): Guard and is black with a dark blue ribbon wrapped around. Etched down the side of the silver blade is the word Mizu. :2: Korii (ice):  Guard and is black with a bluish- white ribbon wrapped around it. Etched down the side of the silver blade is the word Korii.

Secondary Form: Pistols: Blade collapses in on itself and forms the barrel, the hilt and guard extends, then the hilt separates and moves down to form the trigger. The ribbon that was on both the twin blades wrapped around the butt of the pistol.

Tertiary Form: Sword and Shield: Mizu & Korii are able to take a third weapon like form; A scythe. She does not broadcast this as she does prefer her twin blades and pistols forms, but has trained and able to use all three forms effectively.

Dust Functions: N/A

History: Mizu and Korii were made by Cyan and her Mother Amethyst Rivers. They have three forms. Twin Katana, Twin Pistol and Scythe form.



« Last Edit: March 01, 2018, 12:00:52 PM by Jaida »
"Creativity is a spark. It can be excruciating when we're rubbing two rocks together and getting nothing. And it can be intensely satisfying when the flame catches and a new idea sweeps around the world."

Kingnoname1

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2017, 08:22:20 AM »
Welcome to the site Opal I hope you enjoy your stay. My major point is you simply need more, particularly in combat behaviour as you have no weaknesses. Hydrokinesis is a fine if common semblance but the mods aren't likely to give you both that and the shield others ability which is basically another semblance as well as add a percentage cost of 'fatigue' for each level of your semblance per application or minute. Have you thought of which school Aqua is going to? Beacon has the most people so that would be my recommendation. Perhaps reading through some of the approved characters might show you how much is expected per section, http://rwby-rpg.rwbyfanon.com/index.php/board,16.0.html.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Jaida

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2017, 12:22:48 PM »
Beacon is the school she is going into but i was going to update once the initiation was done
"Creativity is a spark. It can be excruciating when we're rubbing two rocks together and getting nothing. And it can be intensely satisfying when the flame catches and a new idea sweeps around the world."

The Mythic Scribe

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2017, 12:25:10 PM »
First of all, King's right, you should look at other approved characters to get a feel of what people are looking for.

A few things. First, no 'soon to be' just, student, and list what year she's in too. For appearance, you're lacking a bit, such as height, weight, figure, and maybe a few special facial things. Eyebrows, jaw, cheekbones, nose, skin tone, lips, something to give us an idea of what she looks like. And you have a lot of sentence fragments. Usually it'd be fine, style thing y'know? But they're not really necessary here, so you may want to change that.

History. Lot more needed here. Just because she doesn't remember does mean that you can leave it out. You still have to write it out. A few suggestions would be the names of her parents, what they did, where she grew up, how she felt about her parents, how she was treated, how she did in school if she had any friends, and what led to her being orphaned then losing her memory. After needs more detail too. What was the huntress's name? Where'd she find her? An orphanage? In the streets? Why'd she adopt her? Was she on the older side or the younger side? How else did she treat her? How did she do financially? Also, just a note: Amnesia, though it may sound easy, is honestly overused and harder to write than you think. The huntress taking her in is also a little overused. There's not big problem, but I'm just putting that out.

Her personality needs more as well. Likes and dislikes? Sense of humor? Is she smart? Does she warm up to people easily? How does she treat them when she's warmed up to her?

Combat behavior definitely needs more work. Adaptable, sure. Adapting to ANY change? Eh... Is she quick? Slow? Hard-hitter? Deals little damage at a time? Gets things over with or draws it out? Stamina? Does she kick a lot? Stabber? Slicer? Blocks or dodges? Weaknesses are very much needed, as it balances them out.

Finally, don't just say: My profile picture, just put the image in the profile. Specifically, put it in the Appearance section, in a spoiler. Like this:

Spoiler: ShowHide


If you need, click the quote option in the upper right corner of my post, then copy what I typed above.
Mauve Roux(1st year leader of team ROSE):“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached.”  -Simone Weil

Bianca Li(1st year member of team CBLT):"When you're the victim of the behavior, it's black and white; when you're the perpetrator, there are a million shades of gray." -Laura Schlessinger

Primrose Aster(1st year member of team BTRA):“To weep is to make less the depth of grief.”  -William Shakespeare

Cerise Carnelian(1st year member of team VCVS):"Be as you wish to seem." -Socrates

Lien Li(2nd year member of team MLDC): "To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders." -Lao Tzu

Aurora Hesperid(1st year leader of team ATLA)

Jaida

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2017, 12:38:16 PM »
thanks for the pointers. I'm still trying to figure everything out for my character which is why it is in WIP first. I'm getting rid of the levels. would the longer she uses her semblance the larger the aqua ring gets be okay?
« Last Edit: March 04, 2017, 12:45:08 PM by Opal_Black25 »
"Creativity is a spark. It can be excruciating when we're rubbing two rocks together and getting nothing. And it can be intensely satisfying when the flame catches and a new idea sweeps around the world."

MonsterManic

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2017, 01:01:41 PM »
As long as you mention that it comes at a higher stamina cost, yes, it should be ok. As for getting rid of the levels, just say that she can do this and that with her semblance instead of different levels.

For the Aura section, instead of saying she has a shielding ability, as that is normally "unlocked" when you are a 4th year, I suggest changing that to say she is better skilled at defending/blocking attacks with her Aura. Giving shields to allies seems more like a Semblance than an Aura ability.

Otherwise, everything else that Mythic and King suggested and you have a good character on your hands.
Beacon: ShowHide

Setsuna Antiqua - First Year Leader, Team ASTC - Chivalrous Shield

Tina Allan - First Year Member, Team ATLA - Twin Sharpshooter

Tieren Augus - First Year Student - Emotional Berserker

Kei Tsz Fung - Fourth Year Member, Team SARK - Silent Duelist

Lunae Terenas - Second Year Student - Unlimited Explosion Works

Graham Dylandy - First Year Member, Team LLGD - Technological Samurai

Jocelyn Antiqua - First Year Member, Team CASA - Combat Medic

Yu Nanhai - First Year Student - Lone Survivor

Haven: ShowHide

Rachel Jonquil - First Year Student - Spirit Summoner

Others: ShowHide

Prof. Ferus Talandar - Grimm Specialist Teacher at Beacon - One Man Army

Emile Antiqua - Former Professional Huntsman - Gentle Giant

Kingnoname1

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2017, 07:05:05 PM »
A small thing but I'd specify that you can't control/freeze the water in other people, that might just worry the mods a bit. Use the justification that any living things aura disrupts your semblance or something along those lines.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Jaida

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2017, 07:21:47 PM »
A small thing but I'd specify that you can't control/freeze the water in other people, that might just worry the mods a bit. Use the justification that any living things aura disrupts your semblance or something along those lines.


Definitely not!!!! I wasn't even thinking of doing that, nor would i want to.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2017, 08:29:29 PM by Opal_Black25 »
"Creativity is a spark. It can be excruciating when we're rubbing two rocks together and getting nothing. And it can be intensely satisfying when the flame catches and a new idea sweeps around the world."

Jaida

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2017, 08:30:20 PM »
Also the Character is updated if you want to take a look
"Creativity is a spark. It can be excruciating when we're rubbing two rocks together and getting nothing. And it can be intensely satisfying when the flame catches and a new idea sweeps around the world."

Kingnoname1

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2017, 08:56:53 PM »
I know a lot of works of fiction use the whole 'first time the character's power is unleashed everyone around them basically dies' thing but we do try to avoid such things as it sets a very high power level. Aqua is ten at the time, her killing an ursa or even a beowulf would be impressive enough.

Also add a bit on why she decided to become a huntress, its probably vengeance or defending the innocent or something like that but it never hurts to be specific.

It'd be nice if you went into a bit more detail about basically everything but in particular some history about her time at signal, how she uses her hydrokinesis and how much that costs as well as her combat behaviour. You want to be as descriptive as you can because it not only helps others reading your profile, getting this stuff on to the page can help think up more dimensions of your character.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Jaida

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2017, 09:27:31 PM »
Updated! ;D It took way too too long for me to update. But that's what happens when your always working
"Creativity is a spark. It can be excruciating when we're rubbing two rocks together and getting nothing. And it can be intensely satisfying when the flame catches and a new idea sweeps around the world."

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2017, 02:27:35 AM »
There are a few mistakes like the first time it's mentioned Aqua kills three grimm with her aura unlocking but next time it's mentioned it's four but other than than I think you have done a pretty good job.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

Jaida

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Re: Aqua Marine
« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2017, 06:51:30 PM »
fixed it.... didn't notice that
"Creativity is a spark. It can be excruciating when we're rubbing two rocks together and getting nothing. And it can be intensely satisfying when the flame catches and a new idea sweeps around the world."