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Author Topic: Akeldama Blood-Heart  (Read 1181 times)

jjb2158

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Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2017, 01:22:11 PM »
Okay, I'll be spearheading this group review on your character. Quite a few things to note:

History:
There is one big issue here and that is her hearing. Saying that she has hearing that far exceeds that of a faunus is basically going into the territory of a semblance ability. After discussing it with the other staff, we came to the agreement that that is too much and will need to be changed.

Semblance:
The semblance is too OP as it stands. It's basically taking two semblance ideas, creating powerful attacks and constructing objects, and making it into one by saying it's "condensing her aura". We also agreed that this is too much so you will need to pick one or the other and just go with that.

Combat Behavior:
In regards to the echolocation ability, we also discussed this and I'm going to make the call and allow it, but only as a limited echolocation. So please make note of that in the character sheet.

Weapon:
No matter how you look at it, your weapon has six transformations, which is ridiculous. I'd advise you either lower the amount of transformations down or create another weapon. However, seeing that you already have two other weapons, I would advise the first choice and just lower the amount of transformations.

Conclusion:
Overall, this entire character is more or less based off of the ability to hear extremely well. One thing you can do, which would alleviate a lot of the edits would be to just change the semblance to a hearing-based semblance. This would make it so that you wouldn't really have to edit the history and combat behavior all that much. Just something to think about.

I'm keeping this review short and sweet so you don't have to read a bunch and can just address the issues at hand. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2017, 02:21:19 PM by jjb2158 »
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper of Team CRSA (Crystal)

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Dr. Gustave

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Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #16 on: October 25, 2017, 02:41:26 PM »
Moving to MIA
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EdgeyReyes

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Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2017, 10:03:15 PM »
Changes that have been made
-took away shortsword weapons
-simplified main weapon
-Semblance changed
Went over history to hopefully get all changes
Modified combat behaviour
That should cover all the important changes, the rest would be unimportant.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2017, 10:05:40 PM by EdgeyReyes »
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Vision

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Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2017, 08:38:21 AM »
Heya Edgey I'll take over for this one

Think most of the changes work great, a few things that could be gone over again.

First off I don't like the aura unlocked as a baby, we know its something that takes significant effort and most people never learn how. Here I think less is more,  just say something like "due to her early activated semblance" or something. Avoid any details: maybe that's just how passive semblances work, maybe that's something special with her semblance, maybe that's a rare but possible chance, etc etc. By not giving detail it can actually become a bit more believable.

You say that she was communication with her father via scroll messages? Would like it clarified how old she is at that point, from reading it I got the impression that this was right after the diagnosis but she would be way too young to read and write.

Would like some more detail about the mother's teammates training her, f.eks do all three of them drop everything for two years to train her?

Learning multiple forms (swords, guns, martial arts and scythe) is fine as long as you are aware that she will be weaker at them than someone who only does one or two.
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