Author Topic: Akeldama Blood-Heart  (Read 11280 times)

jjb2158

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 421
  • Karma:
    +29/-0
  • Personal Text
    The Destroyer of Dreams & Expectations
    • View Profile
Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2017, 01:22:11 PM »
Okay, I'll be spearheading this group review on your character. Quite a few things to note:

History:
There is one big issue here and that is her hearing. Saying that she has hearing that far exceeds that of a faunus is basically going into the territory of a semblance ability. After discussing it with the other staff, we came to the agreement that that is too much and will need to be changed.

Semblance:
The semblance is too OP as it stands. It's basically taking two semblance ideas, creating powerful attacks and constructing objects, and making it into one by saying it's "condensing her aura". We also agreed that this is too much so you will need to pick one or the other and just go with that.

Combat Behavior:
In regards to the echolocation ability, we also discussed this and I'm going to make the call and allow it, but only as a limited echolocation. So please make note of that in the character sheet.

Weapon:
No matter how you look at it, your weapon has six transformations, which is ridiculous. I'd advise you either lower the amount of transformations down or create another weapon. However, seeing that you already have two other weapons, I would advise the first choice and just lower the amount of transformations.

Conclusion:
Overall, this entire character is more or less based off of the ability to hear extremely well. One thing you can do, which would alleviate a lot of the edits would be to just change the semblance to a hearing-based semblance. This would make it so that you wouldn't really have to edit the history and combat behavior all that much. Just something to think about.

I'm keeping this review short and sweet so you don't have to read a bunch and can just address the issues at hand. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2017, 02:21:19 PM by jjb2158 »
First Year Beacon Student: Rackley Winchester - The Hawkeye Sniper currently Teamless

Second Year Beacon Student: Jett Davenport - The Playful Shadow Knight of Team MLDC (Melodic)

Third Year Beacon Student: Suntalia Lyn Ryker - The Voice of Thunder currently Teamless

Fourth Year Beacon Student: Savas Carnelian - The Quiet Berserker Leader of Team SARK (Stark)

Beacon Professor: Oberon Falcov - The Man With A Plan / Team Strategy Teacher of Beacon

Dr. Gustave

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***
  • The Nice Admin

  • 895
  • Karma:
    +229/-227
  • Personal Text
    Forgive me for what I must yabba dabba do
    • View Profile
Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #16 on: October 25, 2017, 02:41:26 PM »
Moving to MIA
Atlas: ShowHide
Mercenary: Kol Augur ~ The Judicator of Atlas
Speaking: #5C5054 Thinking: #EAC117

Mistral: ShowHide
Huntress-in-Training: Aca Roth ~ Member of Team RWND
Speaking: #E05260 Thinking: #EA857F
Huntress-in-Training: Brook Pallas ~ Member of Team CNBR
Speaking: #4863A0 Thinking: #98AFC7
Council Member: Phaedo Katsaros ~ Figurehead for Faunus/Human relations
Speaking: #667C26 Thinking: #B6CC76

Vacuo: ShowHide
40th Vytal Tournament Champion: Zabar Aga ~ Member of Team DAWN
Speaking: #CD7F32 Thinking: #EE9A4D

Vale: ShowHide
Huntress: Malina Nahualli-Roth ~ Leader of Team MCCA
Speaking: #993A64 Thinking: #8B0C44
Beacon Professor: Titania Printemps ~ Assistant Headmistress of Beacon Academy
Speaking: #4AA02C Thinking: #E55B3C
Drop-out: Durian Ghede ~ Former leader of team DFDL
Speaking: #E1BD27 Thinking: #AF8B00

EdgeyReyes

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 345
  • Karma:
    +18/-0
  • Personal Text
    Die die die
    • View Profile
Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2017, 10:03:15 PM »
Changes that have been made
-took away shortsword weapons
-simplified main weapon
-Semblance changed
Went over history to hopefully get all changes
Modified combat behaviour
That should cover all the important changes, the rest would be unimportant.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2017, 10:05:40 PM by EdgeyReyes »
Atlas: ShowHide


Solaris Star - Atlesian Special Forces

Aegis Guard - First Year Atlas Student

Iris Ares - Fourth Year Atlas Student


Vale: ShowHide

Akeldama Blood-Heart - First Year Beacon Student

Linh Li "Mythos Laurenstine - Second year Beacon Student


Vision

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 402
  • Karma:
    +60/-1
  • Personal Text
    The Unofficial Official Keeper of Statistics
    • View Profile
Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2017, 08:38:21 AM »
Heya Edgey I'll take over for this one

Think most of the changes work great, a few things that could be gone over again.

First off I don't like the aura unlocked as a baby, we know its something that takes significant effort and most people never learn how. Here I think less is more,  just say something like "due to her early activated semblance" or something. Avoid any details: maybe that's just how passive semblances work, maybe that's something special with her semblance, maybe that's a rare but possible chance, etc etc. By not giving detail it can actually become a bit more believable.

You say that she was communication with her father via scroll messages? Would like it clarified how old she is at that point, from reading it I got the impression that this was right after the diagnosis but she would be way too young to read and write.

Would like some more detail about the mother's teammates training her, f.eks do all three of them drop everything for two years to train her?

Learning multiple forms (swords, guns, martial arts and scythe) is fine as long as you are aware that she will be weaker at them than someone who only does one or two.

Diana Levone - Beacon First year - Leader and Medic of team Digital (DGTL)
[color= #839CA5]""[/ color]
Bastet Nin - Haven First year - Blinking Glaive Skirmisher of team Rewind (RWND)
[color= #F2B233]""[/ color]

EdgeyReyes

  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 345
  • Karma:
    +18/-0
  • Personal Text
    Die die die
    • View Profile
Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #19 on: November 24, 2017, 07:03:30 PM »
So made her aura unlocked at the beginning of her training instead of at an early age.

So communication is now done by pictures, because they'd be easier to understand for children until she was old enough then words (that last part isn't mentioned but can be easily assumed)

Added more detail about training and ehat they did, not much but gets the point across because there is no need for immense detail and also I acknowledge the weapon part.
Atlas: ShowHide


Solaris Star - Atlesian Special Forces

Aegis Guard - First Year Atlas Student

Iris Ares - Fourth Year Atlas Student


Vale: ShowHide

Akeldama Blood-Heart - First Year Beacon Student

Linh Li "Mythos Laurenstine - Second year Beacon Student


Vision

  • Moderator
  • Full Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 402
  • Karma:
    +60/-1
  • Personal Text
    The Unofficial Official Keeper of Statistics
    • View Profile
Re: Akeldama Blood-Heart
« Reply #20 on: November 25, 2017, 07:37:11 PM »
All good.

Approved by JJB and Vision.

Diana Levone - Beacon First year - Leader and Medic of team Digital (DGTL)
[color= #839CA5]""[/ color]
Bastet Nin - Haven First year - Blinking Glaive Skirmisher of team Rewind (RWND)
[color= #F2B233]""[/ color]