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Is she a bad OC?

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Author Topic: Jasmine Levesque. (Feedback appreciated! Updating accordingly~)  (Read 12119 times)

ChaoticIdeas

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Jasmine "Rouge." Levesque

Name: Jasmine Levesque.

Age: Nineteen. Born Zinnober 23rd
Species and Gender: Female Human.

Symbol:  A Jasmine Flower.

Occupation: First Year Student at Beacon Academy.

Appearance: A small framed, short, (5'2") skinny, girl, with big amber eyes, and purple pixie-cut hair, there's a couple of black streaks along with her hair. She has a clear complexion, and freckles. She also doesn't wear any makeup of any sort, she doesn't believe in it, and believes that it hides your true self.

FC.

Spoiler: ShowHide


Commission done by: http://rideovadio.deviantart.com/

Clothing Styles:

Casual/Personal outfit: The Necklace, with a pendant of a Jasmine Flower. That was inherited to her, by her mother. Along with two purple earrings. A pair of black, nerdy, square-framed glasses, a purple and black hoodie, with a white dove, interlocked with a Jasmine flower, the flower wrapping itself around the dove, on the back of the hoodie. Along with this she wears a black medium-length skirt. And lacey stockings. Along with a pair of combat boots.

School Uniform. The inherited necklace, her nerdy glasses, combined proper school attire, consisting of the brown jacket, the white blouse underneath, the pleated plaid skirt, along with long stockings.

History: Having tragedy strike at a young age. Jasmine Levesque was forced to be raised without a mother, and a abusive father. On days where she remembers the attack on her once peaceful, self-dependent village, comes the thought of a day clouded with confusion and rage.

From what Jasmine can remember, a large amount of Grimm attacked her village, and killed her mother, she may not remember a lot of the attack itself, but she remembers seeing her mother die in front of her, to a large, disturbing, Grimm.

Throughout the years of her childhood. Jasmine had a bunch of scuffles and arguments with her father, usually ending up with bruises. Eventually, her aunt and uncle decided that it would be wise to take Jasmine away from her father. Her father, of course, tried to convince her aunt and uncle that he wasn't what they took him to be, but they didn't believe him for a second, they knew that Jasmine wouldn't lie about his distasteful actions, and he was angry when she left, spending his days drinking more than he used to.

Her aunt, and uncle. Had three special items given to them, from Jasmine's mother. Before her death. She told them that one day, Jasmine would need these items, to become what her mother always sought her to be. The first item, was a coin, with a Jasmine flower on it. Another one of the items was a specialized metal briefcase. And lastly, the final item was a silver necklace, with a pendant, the shape of a Jasmine flower.

Her aunt and uncle didn't give them to her, until they believed it was time she was of age. At thirteen, Jasmine's life changed. She was going to become a huntress. Or so her aunt and uncle believed. At times Jasmine complained about being a huntress, and became stressed out during the first months of training, but her uncle always reminded her of how her mother was once a huntress, and a damn good one at that, and that it would only be right to carry on her mother's cut-short legacy.

Jasmine agreed to being a huntress, due to two main factors. One, being that the Grimm killed her mother, and Two, the fact that her mother's legacy as a fabled huntress was cut-short, and that she could bring it back, in spirit, and become a excellent huntress, herself. Her mother was simply known as Rouge, as a huntress. And so, her aunt and uncle thought it'd be only fitting, if, that, 'Rouge.' Was Jasmine's huntress nickname. As to carry on her mother's legacy.

Her aunt and uncle know so much about combat training, due to how they were once combat instructors at Syne Academy. They spent a long time honing many young hunters, and huntresses fighting skills, and taught them advanced fighting techniques. Although, her uncle was a specialist in teaching physical combat, her aunt was a specialist, in teaching combat with the practice of dust.

At first Jasmine thought the idea of being a huntress was scary. Because of that fateful day, when her mom died, in front of her very own eyes. But, Jasmine enjoyed the idea of getting revenge at the monsters she used to have nightmares about. Her aunt and uncle trained her, vigorously. Specifically in the art of swordsmanship, and marksmanship.

They trained her to hone her reflexes, and steady her aim, taught her ways to parry, and dodge her opponents, constantly tested her speed, along with training in the code of honorable fighting, and engaging in duels, one of the main ways Jasmine trained, was through fencing. She also endured a vigorous workout regimen, some say it was a brutal way to train, but Jasmine never gave up on it. It may be unrealistic, for her age. But she was more than capable.

She was a strong-willed, and determined kid. And this determination, and the six long years of training, got her accepted into Beacon Academy. The finest academy in Vale. Currently it's her first year of Beacon. She knew that she would receive combat training at beacon, even if going through a long period of training, already, she's the kind of person who believes you can never train too much.

A short while after being accepted into Beacon, Jasmine got a letter from her father, seeking forgiveness for what he did to her, when she was younger. She threw the letter in a fireplace, and that's the last contact she's ever had with her father, and the last contact she'll ever want.

Personality: She's like something you'd see out of The Twilight Zone, intriguing, strange, and cunning. She's also a reserved introvert. Her father's neglect and abuse lead to her generally distrusting the people she would meet. If she were to ever open up to someone, she'd be stoic, and sarcastic, but, she does have a happier side of her, most people just don't see it. She has poor social skills and prefers to work alone. Jasmine usually ignores questions about her past, and if someone persists about it, she simply states "I don't want to talk about it." If a person were to continue persisting, she'd just act as if they weren't there. She also carries herself in a way, that seems refined, and well-mannered, she doesn't slouch, she has a formal way of speaking, and she always delivers manners, even in a causal setting. It's something her aunt taught her. Even though she acts all well-mannered and refined, most people don't take her seriously cause of her high pitched voice.

Likes: Rock music, sleeping, and bass guitar.

Dislikes: Self sacrifice, makeup, and racial discrimination.

Hobbies: Sleeping, playing bass guitar, listening to music, being alone in a peaceful area, such as a park or meadow, training, reading and studying about the world of Remnant.

Aura and Semblance:

Aura:
Aura Type: Speed.
Aura Color: Color.
Aura Strength: Weak. She can't take too many hits.

Semblance:
Jasmine can control two factors of the weather, for a short period of time, before she has to stop. The two factors are Rain, and Fog. These can prove useful in a assortment of situations.

Combat Behavior:  Graceful, and athletic, she attempts to outwit, and outmaneuver her opponents, with speed, and quick reflexes. She also plans out each strike, and has backups if it fails. She always has a backup plan in case things go wrong. She fights like a duelist, quick strikes, but they aren't that strong, it usually takes a lot of hits to get her opponent down and out, her agility is useful for dodging attacks, but if she happened to be hit, she isn't that sturdy. And could be knocked out right away. A fatal flaw of her fighting style, is that she believes in fighting with honor. And would never cheat, even if someone fought in a dirty strategy. She would still attempt to fight them honestly. If someone surrendered to her, Jasmine would uphold it, but if that same person tricked her, and surprise attacked her, she'd definitely be defeated.

WEAPON

Name: 'Jasminae.'

Primary Form: A black and white metal briefcase, with a Jasmine flower on the front, Inside is a series of springs, gears, and pulleys, allowing for customization, and transformation, to two weapon types. A special feature of the case itself, is that it can be used as a shield in case of incoming fire. The material used to make the case, is as strong as the material used to make the blade inside.

Secondary Form: Upon opening the briefcase, the gears inside whir up to create a specialized steel katana, with an engraving of her mothers name, on the blade. The katana, though once red, is now purple, stylized for Jasmine, it has a black leather sheath, although, not normally used, cause of the briefcase, can be used in the case of needing the blade to be at the ready.

Tertiary Form: (Working on it.)

Dust Functions: None.

Weapon History: The weapon itself was specially designed for Jasmine's mother, when during the prime of her years as a huntress. Levesque family trade secrets have been kept hidden. And the weapon's specialized design cannot be copied. Also due to the masterwork manufacturing on the weapon, in it's secondary form, the weapon's durability, is extremely tough.

Sample of Roleplay.


RP Sample: ShowHide
"Jasmine! Can you keep that darn music down?!" Her uncle yelled to her, from the bottom of the stairway, Jasmine, of course, pretending to not hear him, continued jamming out to her blaring vintage rock n' roll album, she knew what today was, today was the day, where she would finally leave home, and head to Beacon academy. She honestly didn't know what to feel more. From all the emotions running in her head, the two most important ones were fear, and excitement. She wondered of all the new, wonderful, things she'd learn, and of all the ways to become a huntress. She soon shut off her music, and went downstairs to great her smiling aunt. "Oh Jasmine, I'm so proud!" She said, sounding happy for her. Jasmine scoffed. "Don't be too proud yet, I can still mess this up." She said in a stoic tone. Her uncle soon came into the room, with a frown on his face. "We wouldn't put you through all that training, and hard work, just for you to not put your best effort into Beacon. We want you to do your best. And work hard in there. We want the best for you, and this was the best we could do." Jasmine stared at her aunt and uncle, and finally said. "Thank you... Both of you, you've done a lot for me that I don't think my father ever would. I'm glad I get to go to Beacon." They exchanged a few more words, then their goodbyes, and Jasmine went off on her way to Beacon.







« Last Edit: June 09, 2017, 10:49:28 AM by ChaoticIdeas »
-J

nathan67003

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2017, 07:46:11 PM »
Roight. I know this is, as is mentioned, an extreme WiP, so I'll suggest you post a message when you've read all the rule posts threads thingies and have also updated the profile accordingly.  :)
Characters: ShowHide
Nathan Eau, De Facto Jetpack Guy and Leader of Team INKK
Camelia Sol, Miss Magnetic Personality and Leader of Team CAST
Anna Fall, Insightful Visionary of Team ASTC
Brock Greenwood, Human Titan of Team DGTL
Helena Chlophyll, Ray of Sunshine of Team CHES
Scarlett/Corinth,Korynn,etc. Briggart/Topaz (In the works)
Max (mp)
Chloe (mp)
Maena Nadir, Coherent Beam of Team SSMR
Europa/Encela(dus)/Io/Callisto/Calypso (In the works)
Hannah Glass
Mark Cassini
Carlson Ferram
"Some goddamn bullshit, Invictus Omega"
"The Ferryman"
"GREEEEEEEN"
"I swear it's not my fault"
"HOT HOT HOT"
"s m o l"
"Alastair Reynolds"
"Living Weapon"
"Glm"
"Librarian"
"Vibin'"
Cole McWrath
AAAA (a.k.a. AMAA)
AMCAA

ChaoticIdeas

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2017, 07:49:12 PM »
Roight. I know this is, as is mentioned, an extreme WiP, so I'll suggest you post a message when you've read all the rule posts threads thingies and have also updated the profile accordingly.  :)

I don't think it's so bad so far. Heh.. Well.. Meh.
-J

Kingnoname1

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2017, 08:01:32 PM »
Welcome to the board, I understand you are changing stuff but I'd like to say three things regardless.

1). With the expection of the schnees everyone's semblance does one thing; speed, clones, etc. So I'd limit it to one aspect of nature; weather or plants.

2). Try to think of some combat weaknesses for your character for the combat behaviour section. Not 'can't work in a team' but flaws in her personal style.

3). I normally dont mention grammar this early but you aren't using 'hence' correctly. It should be 'because,' currently you are saying Jasmines fear caused the death of her mother not the otherway round.

Lastly check out the approved characters board just so you can see what the mods are going to want from you.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

ChaoticIdeas

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2017, 08:04:37 PM »
Welcome to the board, I understand you are changing stuff but I'd like to say three things regardless.

1). With the expection of the schnees everyone's semblance does one thing; speed, clones, etc. So I'd limit it to one aspect of nature; weather or plants.

2). Try to think of some combat weaknesses for your character for the combat behaviour section. Not 'can't work in a team' but flaws in her personal style.

3). I normally dont mention grammar this early but you aren't using 'hence' correctly. It should be 'because,' currently you are saying Jasmines fear caused the death of her mother not the otherway round.

Lastly check out the approved characters board just so you can see what the mods are going to want from you.

Thank you for the input!
-J

ChaoticIdeas

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2017, 08:08:59 PM »
Welcome to the board, I understand you are changing stuff but I'd like to say three things regardless.

1). With the expection of the schnees everyone's semblance does one thing; speed, clones, etc. So I'd limit it to one aspect of nature; weather or plants.

2). Try to think of some combat weaknesses for your character for the combat behaviour section. Not 'can't work in a team' but flaws in her personal style.

3). I normally dont mention grammar this early but you aren't using 'hence' correctly. It should be 'because,' currently you are saying Jasmines fear caused the death of her mother not the otherway round.

Lastly check out the approved characters board just so you can see what the mods are going to want from you.

I tried implementing your changes to the best of my ability. Let me know what you think!
-J

Vision

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2017, 08:30:00 PM »
First off welcome to the site Chaotic :D
It can be a bit work to get a character done but there are some really talented people here that will help out ^^. Until they get here I'll just give some quick comments on what I think is missing at the moment.

(EDIT: Your changes in response to King hadn't been done when I started so all comments are based on how it was before then.)

What year is she in?

Where does "Rouge" come from, is that a middle name or a nickname?

Would love an expansion on the appearance, two things are specifically missing (How short is she? How does she dress?) But you can also think about some other aspects, anything that can help others see your character the way you do (How does she hold herself (posture, mannerisms) how would you describe her speech? that sorta thing.)

The history is missing a bit (just to be clear that's totally okay in WiP :) just giving some tips for you to improve it). I would recommend expanding on what happened to her mother earlier as at the moment it's a bit unclear. How did the father react to her leaving? And why did the uncle and aunt think she should become a huntress?

Semblances are tricky to balance so I'll just leave that to someone else, the main concern here is that it may do too many different things.

In the combat behavior it's important to consider her weaknesses, this can often be as defining as her strengths. 

More generally you use a lot of very short sentences, something I've been guilty of myself. However It may be worth trying to combine some of them to make the words flow better.

Hopefully this doesn't come off as too critical as you have a fine first draft. Give some thought to these pointers as well as the character guide, I'd also recommend having a look at some approved characters.

Again welcome to the site ^^.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2017, 08:34:15 PM by Vision »

Diana Levone - Beacon First year - Leader and Medic of team Digital (DGTL)
[color= #839CA5]""[/ color]
Bastet Nin - Haven First year - Blinking Glaive Skirmisher of team Rewind (RWND)
[color= #F2B233]""[/ color]

ChaoticIdeas

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2017, 08:34:20 PM »
First off welcome to the site Chaotic :D
It can be a bit work to get a character done but there are some really talented people here that will help out ^^. Until they get here I'll just give some quick comments on what I think is missing at the moment.

What year is she in?

Where does "Rouge" come from, is that a middle name or a nickname?

Would love an expansion on the appearance, two things are specifically missing (How short is she? How does she dress?) But you can also think about some other aspects, anything that can help others see your character the way you do (How does she hold herself (posture, mannerisms) how would you describe her speech? that sorta thing.)

The history is missing a bit (just to be clear that's totally okay in WiP :) just giving some tips for you to improve it). I would recommend expanding on what happened to her mother earlier as at the moment it's a bit unclear. How did the father react to her leaving? And why did the uncle and aunt think she should become a huntress?

Semblances are tricky to balance so I'll just leave that to someone else, the main concern here is that it may do too many different things.

In the combat behavior it's important to consider her weaknesses, this can often be as defining as her strengths. 

More generally you use a lot of very short sentences, something I've been guilty of myself. However It may be worth trying to combine some of them to make the words flow better.

Hopefully this doesn't come off as too critical as you have a fine first draft. Give some thought to these pointers as well as the character guide, I'd also recommend having a look at some approved characters.

Again welcome to the site ^^.

EDIT: Your changes in response to King hadn't been done when I started so all comments are based on how it was before then.

Thanks for the input! I enjoy all the input I receive. Heheh. XD Semblance is the hardest thing for me right now. To be honest.

EDIT: I've updated the character, to your input. Check it out, and tell me what you think!
« Last Edit: June 05, 2017, 08:46:17 PM by ChaoticIdeas »
-J

Kingnoname1

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2017, 09:01:59 PM »
So plans not working if the plan fails isn't really a weakness. That's just how plans work. Neither is 'if you are better than me at my strengths i lose' because again that goes without saying. Instead think about the logical opposites of her strengths. If she is graceful maybe she can't take to many hits, if she is fast maybe she isn't that strong ect ect
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

ChaoticIdeas

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2017, 09:07:55 PM »
So plans not working if the plan fails isn't really a weakness. That's just how plans work. Neither is 'if you are better than me at my strengths i lose' because again that goes without saying. Instead think about the logical opposites of her strengths. If she is graceful maybe she can't take to many hits, if she is fast maybe she isn't that strong ect ect

I made it so she isn't that strong, and isn't as durable as other hunters and huntresses. I still feel like it's missing something, though.
-J

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2017, 11:11:13 PM »
Prehaps working on her personality might help you get a better feel for the character. Does she have any hobbies? Likes/dislikes?(not dislike grimm or likes killing grimm or whatever. Normal people likes and dislikes like what kind of music does she like, favourite food, ect) How does she do academically? What kind of lies does she tell about her past? Views on Faunus? What is her current relationship with her father? Has he tried to make amends? What is her current relationship with her aunt and uncle? What is their training which they passed on to Jasmine?

Other than that, like Vision said, thinking about why she wants to become a huntress is important. It looks like she initially doesn't want to but her aunt and uncle convince her otherwise. Maybe going deeper into that conversation will help you get a better grasp of who Jasmine is as a person.
No criticism is too harsh so hit me with your best shot.

Calen Shrike - ASTC - First Year Beacon.

Saffron de Cortez - SALT - Third Year Atlas.

Amarant Lovis - (formerly of)ACCE - Headmaster of Atlas Academy

Ramalia - RASB - First Year Shade

ChaoticIdeas

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2017, 11:39:37 PM »
Prehaps working on her personality might help you get a better feel for the character. Does she have any hobbies? Likes/dislikes?(not dislike grimm or likes killing grimm or whatever. Normal people likes and dislikes like what kind of music does she like, favourite food, ect) How does she do academically? What kind of lies does she tell about her past? Views on Faunus? What is her current relationship with her father? Has he tried to make amends? What is her current relationship with her aunt and uncle? What is their training which they passed on to Jasmine?

Other than that, like Vision said, thinking about why she wants to become a huntress is important. It looks like she initially doesn't want to but her aunt and uncle convince her otherwise. Maybe going deeper into that conversation will help you get a better grasp of who Jasmine is as a person.

I'm gonna make the changes tomorrow, cause I'm tired as fuck XD Thank you though!
-J

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Extreme WIP.) (Site Format, instead of mine.)
« Reply #12 on: June 06, 2017, 12:23:43 AM »
Jasmine "Rouge." Levesque

Name: Jasmine Levesque.

Age: Nineteen.

Species and Gender: Female Human.

Symbol:  A Jasmine Flower.

Occupation: Student at Beacon Academy.

Affiliation: Beacon Academy.

Appearance: A small framed, short, (5,2,) skinny, girl, with big amber eyes, and purple pixie-cut hair, there's a couple of black streaks along with her hair. She has a clear complexion, and freckles. She also doesn't wear any makeup of any sort, she doesn't believe in it, and believes that it hides your true self.

Clothing Style: The Necklace her mother gave her. Along with two purple earrings. A pair of black, nerdy, square-framed glasses, a purple and black hoodie, with a white dove, interlocked with a Jasmine flower, the flower wrapping itself around the dove. Along with this she wears a black medium-length skirt. And lacey stockings. Along with a pair of combat boots. (This is subject to change.)


History: Having tragedy strike at a young age. Jasmine Levesque was forced to be raised without a mother, and a abusive father. On days where she remembers the attack on her once peaceful, self-dependent village, comes the thought of a day clouded with confusion and rage. From what Jasmine can remember, a large amount of Grimm attacked her village, and killed her mother, she may not remember a lot of the attack itself, but she remembers seeing her mother die in front of her, to a large, disturbing, abnormal Grimm. Throughout the years of her childhood. Jasmine had a bunch of scuffles and arguments with her father, usually ending up with bruises. Eventually, her aunt and uncle decided that it would be wise to take Jasmine away from her father. Her father, of course, tried to convince her aunt and uncle that he wasn't what they took him to be, but they didn't believe him for a second, they knew that Jasmine wouldn't lie about his distasteful actions, and he was angry when she left, spending his days drinking more than he used to. Her aunt, and uncle. Had three special items given to them, from Jasmine's mother. Before her death. She told them that one day, Jasmine would need these items, to become what she was always destined to be. One of them was a Jasmine Flower. Another one of the items was a specialized metal briefcase. And lastly, the final item was a silver necklace, with a pendant, the shape of a Jasmine flower. Her aunt and uncle didn't give them to her, until they believed it was time she was of age. At thirteen, Jasmine's life changed. She was going to become a huntress. Or so her aunt and uncle believed. At times Jasmine complained about being a huntress, and became stressed out during the first months of training, but her uncle always reminded her of how her mother was once a huntress, and a damn good one at that, and that it would only be right to carry on her mother's cut-short legacy. Jasmine agreed to being a huntress, due to two main factors. One, being that the Grimm killed her mother, and Two, the fact that her mother's legacy as a legendary hunter was cut-short, and that she could bring it back, in spirit, and become a legendary hunter, herself. Her mother was simply known as Rouge, as a huntress. And so, her aunt and uncle thought it'd be only fitting, if, that, 'Rouge.' Was Jasmine's huntress nickname. As to carry on her mother's legacy. At first Jasmine thought the idea of being a huntress was scary. Because of that fateful day, when her mom died, in front of her very own eyes. But, Jasmine enjoyed the idea of getting revenge at the monsters she used to have nightmares about. Her aunt and uncle trained her, vigorously. Specifically in the art of swordsmanship, and marksmanship. They trained her to hone her reflexes, and steady her aim, taught her ways to parry, and dodge her opponents, constantly tested her speed, along with training in the code of honorable fighting, and engaging in duels, one of the main ways Jasmine trained, was through fencing. She also endured a vigorous workout regimen, some say it was a brutal way to train, but Jasmine never gave up on it. It may be unrealistic, for her age. But she was more than capable. She was a strong-willed, and determined kid. And this determination, and the six long years of training, got her accepted into Beacon Academy. The finest academy in Vale. Currently it's first year of Beacon. A short while after being accepted into Beacon, Jasmine got a letter from her father, seeking forgiveness for what he did to her, when she was younger. She threw the letter in a fireplace, and that's the last contact she's ever had with her father, and the last contact she'll ever want. (This has to be worked on. I know.)

Personality: She's mysterious, and cunning. Due to her mother's demise, Jasmine has always been shy, and she pushes people away, hence she's afraid of losing them. Her father's neglect and abuse didn't help that either. As she generally distrusts the people she meets. If she were to ever open up to someone, she'd be stoic, and sarcastic, but, she does have a happier side of her, most people just don't see it. She has poor social skills and prefers to work alone. (She'll have to get used to working with a team.) Jasmine lies a lot about her past, most of the lies she says, are about her mother and father. Usually saying her mom left her at a young age, and that her father was just as about okay, as anyone, not revealing his abusive side. She constantly attempts to dodge anything asked about her, that's personal. She doesn't open up to people quickly, and it takes a long time for her to trust people. She also carries herself in a way, that seems refined, and well-mannered, she doesn't slouch, she has a formal way of speaking, and she always delivers manners, even in a causal setting. It's something her aunt taught her. Even though she acts all well-mannered and refined, most people don't take her seriously cause of her high pitched voice.

Likes: Jasmine likes Rock music, Bass guitar, fighting Grimm, Beacon academy, training, sleeping, doing parkour, Faunus's in general, her mother, her aunt and uncle, and especially the things left to her by her mother. The necklace, the flower, and the briefcase.

Dislikes: Self sacrifice, she always believes there's a way to solve something, without going on a suicidal rampage, even if it means to save friends. She has a general dislike of people, not that she hates them, but she just doesn't trust easy. And distances herself to the best of her ability. She hates people who discriminate against Faunus's, and lastly, she dislikes her father.

Hates:: Grimm.

Hobbies: Sleeping, playing bass guitar, listening to music, being alone in a peaceful area, such as a park or meadow, training, reading and studying about the world of Remnant.

Aura and Semblance: Aura: Purple (This is a severe work in progress.) Jasmine can control basic aspects of the weather, but to such a extent. She can't do it all the time, and as long as she wants, as that would tire her out, immensely, and she cannot create heavy storms, earthquakes, and or tornadoes. But she can make fog, or rain. (I'm know creation is a risky topic, and so, as a nerf, she can't keep rain and or anything that she does, going for too long. And it fades away, when she can't continue doing it.)

Combat Behavior:  Graceful, and athletic, she attempts to outwit, and outmaneuver her opponents, with speed, and quick reflexes. She also plans out each strike, and has backups if it fails. She always has a backup plan in case things go wrong. She fights like a duelist, quick strikes, but they aren't that strong, it usually takes a lot of hits to get her opponent down and out, her agility is useful for dodging attacks, but if she happened to be hit, she isn't that sturdy. And could be knocked out right away, her aura can help her with this, but her aura isn't that durable. A fatal flaw of her fighting style, is that she believes in fighting with honor. And would never cheat, even if someone fought in a dirty strategy. She would still attempt to fight them honestly. If someone surrendered to her, Jasmine would uphold it, but if that same person tricked her, and surprise attacked her, she'd definitely be defeated.

WEAPON

Name: 'Jasmineae.'

Primary Form: A black and white metal briefcase, with a Jasmine flower on the front, Inside is a series of springs, gears, and pulleys, allowing for customization, and transformation, to two weapon types. A special feature of the case itself, is that it can be used as a shield in case of incoming fire. The material used to make the case, is as strong as the material used to make the blade inside.

Secondary Form: Upon opening the briefcase, the gears inside weir up to create a specialized steel katana, with an engraving of her mothers name, on the blade. The katana, though once red, is now purple, stylized for Jasmine, it has a black leather sheath, although, not normally used, cause of the briefcase, can be used in the case of needing the blade to be at the ready.

Tertiary Form: Due to the specialized design of the blade, upon a small button being pushed along the bottom of the hilt, the blade would split in two, the blade being vertically in half, and a repeater crossbow would pop out of where the blades split, an ample way to surprise enemies and take them out accordingly.

Dust Functions: (I might add dust functions, to improve the crossbow, so it fires specialized bolts, instead of boring ol' crossbow bolts. I'm not entirely sure yet.)

Weapon History: The weapon itself was specially designed for Jasmine's mother, when during the prime of her years as a huntress. Levesque family trade secrets have been kept hidden. And the weapon's specialized design cannot be copied. Also due to the masterwork manufacturing on the weapon, in it's secondary form, the weapon's durability, is almost unbreakable. (I need help with the weapon.. It sounds too weak, and boring, to me.)

PS. It will be longer.

This isn't the final version. But I'd just like to say thank you to everyone whose given me feedback so far! I feel like I really like the progress I'm making, and can't wait to have a finalized product, even if it takes a long time, I'm always willing for feedback!
-J

Vision

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Need final feedback before review!)
« Reply #13 on: June 06, 2017, 08:46:49 PM »
First off awesome improvements since last time, went to bed after posting my pointers last and haven't had a chance to look until now. Have some minor pointers now, though I'll still avoid commenting about the full story line or semblances as I don't have anywhere near enough experience on the matter.

In occupation you should just mention that she's in first year. Basically just to make it more obvious when giving the profile a cursory look.

The comment about the makeup in the appearance is a great addition as it describes her looks as well as an aspect of her personality.

Story:
  • The abusive father is far more believable the way you have it written now.
  • Is the Jasmin flower they received a real flower that would die after a while or is it perceived/figure etc. (This may be fine the way it is now I just didn't get it)
  • You might want to consider breaking the story section up into two or three paragraphs (again everything I say at this point is optional, just something to consider)
Dislike for self-sacrifice fits perfectly and could lead to some interesting discussions as a lot of young hunters probably value it highly, nicely done.

I don't have any issues with combat behavior or weapon, but that is very much up to your point of view. If you aren't happy with the weapon than what are some things that you can change?

Lastly just wanted to give an example of how you might be using too many commas and periods. More than anything else I've commented on here this will naturally be dependent on your writing style and you can certainly disagree, just have a look at the two spoiler boxes bellow.
Normal: ShowHide
Her aunt, and uncle. Had three special items given to them, from Jasmine's mother. Before her death. She told them that one day, Jasmine would need these items, to become what she was always destined to be.
Fewer: ShowHide
Her aunt and uncle had three special items given to them from Jasmine's mother. Before her death she told them that one day Jasmine would need these items, to become what she was always destined to be.


Again really nice improvements made across the board.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2017, 08:49:25 PM by Vision »

Diana Levone - Beacon First year - Leader and Medic of team Digital (DGTL)
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Bastet Nin - Haven First year - Blinking Glaive Skirmisher of team Rewind (RWND)
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ChaoticIdeas

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Re: Jasmine Levesque. (Need final feedback before review!)
« Reply #14 on: June 06, 2017, 08:55:37 PM »
First off awesome improvements since last time, went to bed after posting my pointers last and haven't had a chance to look until now. Have some minor pointers now, though I'll still avoid commenting about the full story line or semblances as I don't have anywhere near enough experience on the matter.

In occupation you should just mention that she's in first year. Basically just to make it more obvious when giving the profile a cursory look.

The comment about the makeup in the appearance is a great addition as it describes her looks as well as an aspect of her personality.

Story:
  • The abusive father is far more believable the way you have it written now.
  • Is the Jasmin flower they received a real flower that would die after a while or is it perceived/figure etc. (This may be fine the way it is now I just didn't get it)
  • You might want to consider breaking the story section up into two or three paragraphs (again everything I say at this point is optional, just something to consider)
Dislike for self-sacrifice fits perfectly and could lead to some interesting discussions as a lot of young hunters probably value it highly, nicely done.

I don't have any issues with combat behavior or weapon, but that is very much up to your point of view. If you aren't happy with the weapon than what are some things that you can change?

Lastly just wanted to give an example of how you might be using too many commas and periods. More than anything else I've commented on here this will naturally be dependent on your writing style and you can certainly disagree, just have a look at the two spoiler boxes bellow.
Normal: ShowHide
Her aunt, and uncle. Had three special items given to them, from Jasmine's mother. Before her death. She told them that one day, Jasmine would need these items, to become what she was always destined to be.
Fewer: ShowHide
Her aunt and uncle had three special items given to them from Jasmine's mother. Before her death she told them that one day Jasmine would need these items, to become what she was always destined to be.


Again really nice improvements made across the board.

Thank you so much! I've tried really really hard on this OC, and I'm gonna keep at it.

I've made three changes based off your feedback. Small changes, but changes nonetheless.

-Changed Student, to first year student.
-Made the history section less headache inducing, and added paragraph spacing.
-Added a lil' tidbit about the flower.

And I dunno about the weapon. I want to be more detailed about it, I'm just unsure of how to add more detail. I'm okay with everything else right now.. Well, maybe more detail on her outfit, and maybe some other outfits, along with her general appearance, but I think everything is a lot better than what it once was!
-J